Masterbating dh. Over-reacting?

[Roundandroundwegoandgo]

Nc for obvious reasons.

Found out today that dh masterbates almost every other day, sometimes more. I don't mind, it's normal and healthy; I certainly do it myself.

What has upset me is that since we've been together we've had different libidos, his being low. He can have trouble getting hard and/or ejaculating when we have sex. We hardly ever have sex 2 days in a row and I always thought he needed a long recovery time. I have often felt unfulfilled because of my higher sex drive.

It seems perhaps all these things hAve occurred because of his regular masterbating. I dunno, I'm not male. I know he also used to watch a lot of porn.

Anyway, I feel upset and betrayed. All this time I thought he had low sex drive and it turns out he's actually just a massive wanker. Am I overreacting? I feel I can't get over this at the moment and things are a bit frosty between us. I feel he should cut down on the wanking so we can have an active sex life together as a married couple.

Thanks for any replies.

Difficult one. How often are you having sex generally, though?

Are his problems with getting hard due to performance anxiety, which of course wouldn't be an issue when he's on his own?

Have you asked him if he thinks he would have sex with you more often if he wasn't wanking as well?

I know he also used to watch a lot of porn
What makes you think he's given that up?

Sounds to me like he's using too much porn. That, or imagining porny stuff to turn himself on. I think overindulgence in porn can eventually end up meaning you find it difficult to become aroused by anything other than your chosen pornographic image or practice. Does he prefer you to do certain things when you have sex?

Porn porn porn... Always it's the cause. Well on Mumsnet anyway. I wonder what sex therapists could blame problems on before the internet.

How about this... The atmosphere is frosty. That's not sexy, nor would it make me feel like trying to make some amorous moves. I'd be far more inclined to believe that it's less likely to lead to a row if I just sorted myself out when I got the urge.

Masturbating for a guy is like a quick fix. There is no pressure. It's escapism. Maybe it's him being lazy because a quick one is easier than the "effort" of making love to his wife.

Maybe better communication between you both is what's needed. And a thaw of that frosty atmos. Have a grown up conversation. Maybe offer to help him out with masturbating IF he reciprocates etc... Problems in the sex life are most often a symptom of something else being wrong. Maybe he's not as happy with an aspect of it as you are.

For example. I would class myself as having a high sex drive for a guy my age. I once had a girlfriend who could not do vanilla sex. Every time we got physical she had to get dressed up in latex, I had to get restraints and rope out, toys etc... She could not enjoy it any other way. No morning quickies, no frantic lovemaking because the urge took us, no long slow wonderful evenings of intimacy. I ended up resenting that and not enjoying sex like I should have. I used to masturbate then because I really couldn't face the palaver... ( and trust me, I NEVER thought I'd feel that way about sex ). I hope that makes sense. His masturbation is likely a symptom, not the root cause.

Good luck in sorting this out... I mean that sincerely. A good, fulfilling sex life is very important in making a relationship work long term.

RLD.

Have a Google for "your brain on porn" or "your brain rebalanced", and you'll find lots of similar stories and support groups.

RLD is right. There's a lot of pressure on men to take the lead and put most (if not all) of the effort in for sex. I never thought I'd actually want to masturbate instead of have sex, but I'm so tired of both of our orgasms being my sole responsibility that it's usually easier to concentrate on my own.

Porn is just an aide.