not confident with sex

[littleraysofsunshine]

I've been with my dp for ten years, my only sexual intercourse partner (few friends before but not sex) were expecting our fourth baby in 2016, all under 5 and I just feel so out of sorts. We literally have the awkward quicky every month if that... He's got a high sex drive and I haven't anymore. I have no self confidence, I don't know how to do foreplay anymore, initiate, flirt - anything. I feel like a twat doing it despite we had a great time before kids and in between having our kids we had good spells. I just feel inexperienced all over again.... I'm always tired, no spontaneity. He jokes about things we should do an I feel like a kid. Not an adult. I've never done kinky stuff, my friends said I'm mad not to. I just literally have no confidence, or idea anymore How do you keep the balance of parent yet also let go to remain yourself?

Four under 5, wow. I'm amazed you've got time to write on MN! Seriously though, go easy on yourself. You shouldn't feel under any pressure, either to do 'kinky stuff' or have sex at all. When my DCs were small, sex almost completely disappeared, it only ever happened in the middle of the night as a sort of knackered nod to instinct, maybe once in a blue moon. And even when it began to surface again, very often not PIV, much quicker stuff took over owing to lack of time/energy/roaming little ones at all hours. If you don't feel you can let go, if your body feels it's been taken over by babies, I think your dp needs to accept that and maybe sort himself out sometimes! How come he's still got the energy, anyway? Work him harder.

Have you ever considered one of the salons that Coco De Mer hosts? Have a look and Google it.

Do you do yoga or breathing exercises? Do you masturbate?

How about date night, getting a babysitter?

What oneeyedbloke said, go easy on yourself. You have done one he'll of a job giving life to 4 little ones in such a short space of time.

Trust me it does come back. Do not let your relationship fall completely by the wayside. Cook a meal, put kids to bed and enjoy each others company. Sex is only a small albeit important part. But it is very important that you reconnect and listen to each other, cuddle and kiss.

It sounds as if you've put yourself in "mum" mode, which is unsurprising given the amazing job you're doing parenting 3 LOs and one due as well!

Do the two of you ever get time to yourself to be a couple? I think it's so hard to just switch your mindset from being cuddled and touched all day by your kids, to all of a sudden voom, I'm a sexual being with wants and needs.

Do the LOs ever have sleepovers at grandparents or anything? Just so you can have time with your H to reconnect as adults rather than parents.

And I suppose "you must try kinky stuff" depends on your friends' definition of kinky. If they mean oral sex, or playing strip poker, or doing it in a position other than missionary, then yeah they have a point. If they mean dressing up in a gimp suit and being whipped, they can do one

We don't get hardly any child free time. We try and do a date once a month.. But need to more. Life is just so busy all the time!

Do you children go to bed late? I would make an effort to put a film on and have a bit of wine once they're in bed.

I only have the one and find that hard so you are incredible and need to give yourself credit. We rely on our evenings though even though wr aren't out. We have gone through patches of not being affectionate at all within eachother.

You both need to make a joint effort to just chill together. No phones, ipads etc. Just you two and a film. Start by just putting your legs on him or renting your hand on his arm etc. Anything. It doesn't mean you have to have sex. Just start by enjoying being intimately and gradually you'll reconnect and your sex drive may increase.

I find my partner can have sex whenever whatever. Whereas Iike to feel connected to want to and I feel connected just by simple conversation and general intimacy.

My comment is longer than intended and may be useless but just stop pressuring yourself, try and put aside a couple of hour's when the kids in bed when you can and start reconnecting slowly.

P.s. sorry for typos! My comment is probably a bit of a struggling to read!!

Give yourself a break. You are in the thick of it. It gets better.

Justonesherry- I understand. I'm the same, need more of a connection. I sometimes feel the with DP intimacy has to always lead to sex, not just a cuddle and talk and enjoying company. It is manic and I know our kids are still so small and I'm pregnant! Just feel like I'm a little lost with feeling like it's still part of our life.

They go to bed usually 7-7:30 but not always so easily!

We went through of period of around two years with no sex, but what we did maintain was communication and intimacy. The sex, and the drive, will come back in time. You're doing a wonderful job.