probably done to death but...

[NotAMamaYet]

I have never had an orgasm.

I'm relatively experienced I'd say, been with current partner 18months and a few long ish term relationships before that.

And I don't even think I've ever come close. I enjoy sex but there's never any sort of conclusion to it, other than other half .. Ahem, finishing.

a handful of times I've felt something that I imagine is the beginnings of it but nothing mind blowing as it's always described

Ive tried to just forget about it and just accept that it will happen when it happens but can't help but feel boyfriend finds it off putting/annoying/an insult (?) that I don't.

Obviously we've discussed it..

Just hoping for some miraculous stories of it just happening to someone and desperately hoping I'm not one of these people that just can't!

Rax and congratulations to you. I had a similar revelation and my H could not have been happier about it.

It is a win/win situation in a healthy relationship (or it should be)

I have a similar story to Rax; I had also thought masturbation was pointless.

Looking back afterwards I realise how extensively I was shamed and humiliated for masturbating as a child (my mum used to literally demand to smell my fingers.) In hindsight it's obvious the impact it had but I never realised at the time.

I recommend starting with a rabbit. The full size magic wand is very powerful and can be really overwhelming. I have a mini wand and I find even that is too powerful sometimes - and I've now been a total wanker for years

If I had a partner who didn't orgasm I'd be desperate to make sure she did. I'd probably bankrupt myself buying toys for her. My own orgasm is quite closely tied to my partners. I can only relax when I know she's come. I know this is tied to my own insecurities and my need to please but I can't help it.

Talk to him, tell him you never come and ask for his help, if his reaction is negative then dtb and buy yourself something buzzy and work on it.

My parents made me feel that sex was dirty and disgusting. If my Dad even went near my Mum, she hissed at him to stop "pawing at her" or called him disgusting. I never saw them hold hands or kiss and at around 10 years old, heard an argument through the wall with my Dad saying having sex for eight years just isn't normal in a marriage. I'm entirely sure that they haven't had sex in the last 25 years either. They despise each other yet remain married.

I was always very frightened of losing control or seeking pleasure. I still don't initiate physical contact of any sort and I still have a lot of hang ups. I can orgasm on my own though. Nearly there with DH but still working on it.

My DH is the most supportive and attentive partner in every way and is patient, encouraging and keen to help in any way possible, even if the way to help is leave me to it and let me discover my own dormant sexuality. He only wants me to be happy.

I suppose I can just about, at a push, understand a man worrying that he can't satisfy a woman and being disappointed that she is seeking sexual pleasure from toys and he's concerned he isn't doing enough to help. However, that's very different to being 'against' toys and preventing your partner from having sexual autonomy.

Bite the bullet and buy a bullet! Nothing to do with your bf, it's your private business!

Thanks for all the messages.

I think maybe me saying him not allowing me wasn't the right wording. I think maybe he would feel threatened by it

He did once say he'd personally like to be the thing that did eventually make me orgasm and so maybe his reluctance to get a toy or the sort stems from that

I think I'll speak to him about it tonight and if he is against it again, I'll take things into my own hands and buy something!!

I am also concerned that he thinks I'm sex obsessed. He seems to think it's an immaturity thing when I have spoken about maybe getting a sex toy

Our sex drives are quite different which I struggled with the begin with and it caused a lot of friction. I worry that me bringing this up will stir it all up again

Not sure.

Look love, if you can't talk to him comfortably about this then you really shouldn't be in a sexual relationship with him

It sounds like you have a relationship stuck at the teenage level

Lack of communication, assuming he will react in a certain way, him being possibly "jealous" of an inanimate object

It sounds a bit crap, and he sounds a lot crap

Magic wand is great for back massages (what it was originally intended for) and is for external use (just in case that's what your face was for)! It can be used on him too and is probably much less threatening than something 'anatomically correct' (I think for some men it's a 'size' worry).

I haven't had one either, a vibrators don't seem to do the trick

My DH is so wonderful about it, he's tried it all (so did my last few partners) but it's always like I'm on the edge forever but never quite there. I have almost given up trying. Almost

If he thinks wanting a sex toy in order to have more pleasure in bed is immature he has an odd view of immaturity - when I was immature I wanted to read the Beano and go to the flicks to see The Goonies

Is it the 'toy' word? Would he prefer it if you called it a sex tool?

OK if I'm ABSOLUTELY honest I suppose I might find it a bit upsetting if my dh could literally only come in a Fleshlight instead of me. So I will cut him a little slack. But I hope I would come round to it, if dh didn't literally rub my face in it.

How about a sex spanner ?

Oh no, my mistake. The spanner here is him

Have you tried the shower head OP? I have a vibrator and still have a go with the shower head occasionally so I'm not suggesting it as an alternative. I can only orgasm during penetration if I play with my clit at the same time. I do love the feel of penetration but as you've said, there's no conclusion.

I used to be married to a prat. If I ever tried to give myself a helping hand during sex he'd slap my hands away like I was a toddler fiddling with a plug socket.

"To call it underwhelming would be an insult to whelms" - that's got me laughing like a drain

What an arsehole rabbit

'Men who are great in bed get the most pleasure from your pleasure.'

Couldn't agree more, AnyFucker. OP, it doesn't sound to me like he's really happy with you finding your own way to orgasm. More talking is definitely needed. Somewhere in that talk, you need to remind him how most people start experiencing orgasm - i.e. in adolescence by masturbating. Ask him how HE first orgasmed; it's a pound to a penny he did it all by himself and had hundreds, no, thousands of opportunities to perfect his technique, both physically and mentally, until he could make himself come within a minute or two just by using his imagination to think certain thoughts and stimulating himself in just the right way. It's a self-education thing; for one reason or another you haven't yet travelled that long & blissful road and he's got no right to feel bad about you wanting to travel it. Every reason to feel brilliant about it, in fact. Do you live together? I hope not, because then you have lots more opportunity to use your time alone to experiment & practise. For goodness' sake, buy toys, call 'em whatever you like. Find out which ones give you sensations you like. But don't forget, also exercise your imagination: sex begins in your head. You need a 'wank bank'!! - a store of arousing mental images and fantasies that can fuel your orgasms. Your partner should feel PRIVILEGED to share in any of this process, not 'betrayed'. Do you feel you've somehow 'lied' to him? - faked enjoyment, or orgasm, perhaps? If you have, don't feel ashamed, you've done it in the service of your relationship. And now it's time you took equal pleasure. Have fun

pocketsaviour I'm really sorry your mother used to do that. That's really disturbing, toxic behaviour. :(

I haven't had an orgasm from PIV ever, but clitoral stimulation does it for me. Mostly oral is best for me but I agree with others, get a bullet or something (I went for a big ol' rabbit but TBH I only use one bit of it so I may as well have got something smaller!) and fuck what your boyfriend thinks, frankly.

I agree with AnyFucker (no change there then) about the best lovers prioritising their partner's pleasure.

Yes I had an ex who was threatened by my vibe. Wouldn't tolerate using it with me. Couldn't find a clitoris with a fucking arrow pointing at it.
That's why he's an ex
My new partner definitely prioritises me. For him its all about me. And he loves toys.

Do you feel turned on and Horny Op?

I'd recommend some quite time, a glass of wine to relax, a bit of lube and getting busy on your clit with your fingers. Start slowly and keep doing what feels good. Have you tried something like that? If not I'd recommend giving it a go by yourself.

I need the clit involved most of the time to have an orgasim. PIV feels great but I need the other stimulation to cum. I don't think that's unusual.

I've also been much more inclined to have multiple O since I've had children.

It seems I'm much more vaginally sensitive now.