Anyone come out as poly to family before?

[polykinkyquirky]

Hi all.

Hoping some of you can share some stories with me. I think I know the answer to my own dilemma really, but I am just keen to find out that I am not alone.

I am bisexual, very active in the kink community and have a primary male partner plus a girlfriend, who we both have a casual but intimate relationship with.

My parents found out about my kink side about 12 years ago. My mother was quite vicious about it, told me I needed to "see someone" and I essentially ended up agreeing it was "just a phase". It wasn't.

After that experience I didn't feel comfortable coming out as bisexual. Or poly.

However, now that a few friends know I am poly, and because I anticipate that the situation will continue for a while, I wonder whether I should tell them about my other relationship. They (well, my mother) wouldn't understand, and I don't really think it would do any good. However, I don't like secrets so I feel conflicted. Plus, what if they find out some other way? If that happens, they will be angry at both the revelation and also that other people knew and they didn't (close friends).

This is definitely part of a bigger issue with my mother - who is lovely so long as I comply to what she believes and wants for me. As a result I am guarded and limit time spent talking about any issues that might cause disagreement.

Can anyone relate?

I can relate on the kink and family side certainly. I met my partner through a kink site and as a relationship it is developing on all fronts. My family have no idea of how we met other than it was the Internet. They are all highly suspicious of him because it is a long distance thing. I can't tell them why I couldn't find someone closer but I just try to ignore all of the digs and questions.

At the end of the day, it's my business and whilst they care about me I am not quite prepared to tell them all that I like to be tied up and beaten till I bruise as they already have suspicions as to my sanity.

How much can you get away without talking about? Alternatively, just declare it as a part of your life that is out of bounds for discussion.

Sorry, that was a bit epic....

Thanks for the reply.

The kink thing isn't an issue really. I can easily package that as being my sex life and nothing to do with anyone.

However my current relationship is different. It's developed so that if we have a wedding to go to....well I have 2 plus ones!

I think ultimately I won't come clean. It just isn't worth it. But equally I hate keeping someone who is now important to me a secret.

"Meph, darling, facebook says that you and your girlfriend have an open relationship."

"Yep. It's something we're exploring."

"Oh. Ok dear."

Pretty much verbatim.

Surely if you have a wedding to go to you will only be able to take one person?

You said you're only casual with one and in a more serious with the other? So it's not equal?

If invited to a wedding, take the most important person or go alone. You've stated the male partner is your primary partner so take him. Your sex life is your business and not something you need to share with your family.

Out to everyone, here.

I've found it helps to pre-emptively have an answer to 'why are you telling me this?'. So in your case, exactly what you've said here: 'mum, I wanted to talk to you about my relationships; I actually have two people in my life with whom I'm now in a long-standing and loving relationship. It wouldn't work for everyone but it really works for us. I wouldn't have told you, but a number of our friends already know about this, and you're important enough to me that I didn't want you to hear about this second-hand or as gossip. Plus, I really don't like secrets, and keeping this information from you - when it's something that's very mundane but brings me great happiness - felt like it was putting a wall between us. I've always been grateful that you want me to be happy, and although I know this isn't the path you'd choose for me, it really does make me happy. I'm happy to answer any questions you have, or we don't have to talk about this; it's up to you'

I know some of that won't work quite in those words but I'm on a phone and can't be as eloquent as I'd like!

Thanks all.

Oh Meph, if only my conversation would go like that!

I wasn't very clear in my first post. It's not actually that casual with my other partner - I guess it's more just new and developing.

Starspread - that is well put and exactly how I feel. However, I think I am resolute on not telling. I just need to work out a way to feel comfortable with that.

I've found it helps to pre-emptively have an answer to 'why are you telling me this?'.

I think it's possible that people say that because they don't really care or mind what your private life is about. They only want the relationship with you that they already have, and don't want to know about the relationship you might have with other people.

Also it puts them in a position where they feel they're not sure how to respond; if they don't approve, should they say so? Or not? They have the dilemma of wanting to 'protect' you from your choices, as they see them, yet not wanting to intrude on your privacy - but as you have now told them, it isn't private any more so they might feel like if they don't express their fears and disapproval, it's their fault by default if you get hurt.

iyswim
I would just keep it to yourself if you think they won't approve. I doubt they are deliberately trying to piss you off by not approving; they are probably just afraid of the unknown.

TBH every 'open' relationship I have ever witnessed has been a disaster. And I hate the inequity of it.
And I wouldn't want to know about someone else's private life.

I think it's possible that people say that because they don't really care or mind what your private life is about

I should have clarified - I don't mean because people always say that (nobody's ever said it to me), but as a tool for getting your own thoughts in order. For example, if your honest reason is 'because I want you to be impressed/shocked/amazed', then it might not be time to tell that person yet, but if it's 'because I don't want you to find out from someone else', that's not only a pretty good reason, but could also be valuable to share.

I'm sorry that you've only ever seen open relationships end in disaster and inequality. I know I'm only a stranger on the internet, but it's not always like that.

Your sex life is your business, why on earth would you want your family to know about it?

Tbh I think it's a step too far to expect family to accept your poly status. It's not like being gay/straight/bisexual which obviously everyone would want their family to accept, poly is a lifestyle choice, and while personally I couldn't care what people do in the privacy of their own homes/relationships as all adults are consenting, I certainly wouldn't be wanting to explain to my children that e.g. Auntie x was coming to stay this week with partner y, and next month with partner z, and the month after with partner y again, and they'll all be seen at the wedding/christening/family occasion of choice> together.

I'm curious, do any of these open relationships have children in the midst of them?

Thanks for a considered reply to my post, Starspread.

I do wonder how inequality/inequity is avoided. Surely a 'poly' relationship is necessarily one where one person is 'shared' between two or more others? Or do I understand it wrong?

To me, each of the people sharing the person is in an unenviable position. And the idea of a couple both having a relationship with one woman whom they sort of (for want of a better word) 'use' when they feel like it, sits very badly indeed with me. I have been in such a position, not by choice, and only briefly, before I realised what was happening and got the hell out of there, and it was vile.

And the idea of a couple both having a relationship with one woman whom they sort of (for want of a better word) 'use' when they feel like it, sits very badly indeed with me.

That is really really not how it works.

What you've just described is more like a couple who sometimes go swinging and have threesomes.

The key bit in the word "polyamory" is the "amory" bit. It means "love".

Sorry you had such a shitty experience. Decent people don't behave like that with their partners.

My sister has been in a poly relationship for going on about 6 years now. She is married and has another male partner. That partner also has another female partner. She in turn has another male partner. The circle isn't "closed" for them as they don't all have sex with each other. But they are all very good friends, they socialise together a lot. I have been out with them and there is no awkwardness or anything. It did take some work at the beginning to make sure everybody was getting their needs met. There were some speedbumps and potholes in the road. But now it works very well. I think the main reason is that they all genuinely like and respect each other. They have created their own little family.

None of them have children. I have had no problem explaining to my son that Aunty Mary is married to Uncle Fred but also has another partner, and Uncle Fred is absolutely fine with that.

Our family of origin are all aware that my sis is poly, although she's stopped going to most family events anyway as most of our kin are very traditional, "what will the neighbours think" curtain-twitchers, sadly.

Ok - I clearly misrepresented my relationship in my opening post.

To clarify: The three of us are in an equal partnership. My female partner is "newer" and as such the emotional connection is not as developed yet. However, no one is being shared. It's not like a casual FB set up. We socialise together (and in pairs), support each other, and communicate openly and honestly, all the time, to ensure we are each having our needs met.

I am not sure on where I sit on the "lifestyle" choice label. It is a choice, yes, just as monogamy is....however it feels as natural and as ingrained in me as being able to form relationships with either gender.

I agree totally that my sex life is none of my parents' business. But this isn't just about my sex life. This is about my life and domestic set up. And, as the the three of us are equal in this set up, it doesn't sit well with me to keep the nature of my relationship with my female partner secret. Keeping quiet is what I have to do though, as it would not be accepted or understood.

As long as all of you are genuinely happy then I don't think I have a problem with it - it's just the lack of good examples (in a personal sense - I've never experienced a set up involving more than one partner that 'worked' iyswim') that makes me wonder if it can possibly be alright.

Perhaps a lot of people struggle with it for this reason. Just like many people still struggle with same sex relationships but there are far more people 'out' these days which makes it easier to see how it can work really well.

I wish you all the best.

polykinkyquirky, best of luck to you. I have friends and former partners (this is not why they're exes, I hasten to add!) who can't be out to their families for all sorts of good reasons. Everyone makes it work as best they can, and I don't want to be that annoying person who petsonally Had very little to lose and so assumes everyone else would have the same easy ride! If the risks to you and your partners are greater than the possible benefits right now, it makes sense not to say anything - that may change in future and it may not.
Gudrun, for what it's worth, I've been openly poly for a good few years now, and this "a couple both having a relationship with one woman whom they sort of (for want of a better word) 'use' when they feel like it" makes my skin crawl. So, you're absolutely right to see that as unequal, unpleasant and generally shitty!

Thanks starspread. I was just curious about other people's stories too, so it's nice to hear that being open about being poly works for you!

If I have children in the future I may have to reconsider but for now I am just going to stay quiet about it. If for any reason they hear about it I will answer any questions but try to avoid being drawn into being judged.