Sex and erectile dysfunction

[TheOtherSideofTheMoon]

DP and I have been together 3 years. Took a while for PIV sex to be successful - him getting erect first didn't happen and then needed a lot of manual stimulation and penetration would cause it to deflate, although he could orgasm manually whilst either of us was providing the stimulation. As time went by and he (a) felt more secure in the relationship and (b) made the decision to stop using porn (totally his decision) things improved although he is never going to be the sort with an instantly rock-hard penis.

Things seem to go in cycles I guess and there will be a while where the only way for him to get erect will involve me manually stimulating him and its pot luck whether or not this can be transferred into my vagina. Generally one way or another he will
come but for me I need either PIV or I can masturbate and bring myself to orgasm pretty quickly but if I do start to do that whilst he is there, he would feel that's what he should be doing. And I am better at masturbating me than he is, although I think I do a pretty good job on him

We seem to be in a time of his penis not working. We have talked about it (and I suspect recent talking has had an impact as I mentioned how I don't always get enough (for me) out of sex which I feel has scared him and his penis off a bit). I feel put off talking much more especially as this morning he said something about I could be more sympathetic (can't remember precise wording) and honestly I am very sympathetic and nice about it all.

He said if he knew it would be like this (his penis) long term he'd go to the doctor but feels we can generally ride out the storm so to speak. Only problem is that I don't know I can.

He loves giving me oral sex and I like it but it doesn't give more orgasms. He says he wants me to enjoy myself too but at the moment I feel it is rather centred on what he likes plus he will generally get to have orgasms and I don't.

So my questions:

1. do cock rings do anything useful? He will get hard but it generally doesn't last
2. would Viagra be any use here?
3. what else could seeing a doctor achieve?
4. am I just being selfish?

We're both in our early 40s so hopefully not over the hill quite yet. But at the moment I feel I'm there to just rub his cock rather a lot which is a bit rubbish.

Well that was short wasn't it?

I wouldn't stay if he won't get help. It's destroying your sex life. That should matter to him.

A cockring might work temporarily, but it's more of an addition to sex to spice things up than something that will make him functional, if you see what I mean. He might find the sensation helps him stay hard, or it might not work - he'd need to be hard to put it on.

Viagra might help, depending on what the issue is - that's why he needs to see a doctor. It could be a health thing, it could be psychological, but either way he needs to explore it and get treatment so you can both have a fulfilling sex life.

If he won't, I'd be concerned that there will be longer and longer periods of him not being able to have sex, and you'll end up resenting him for the effort that you have to put in for next to no reward.

I'd 100% stand by him if he'd seek help, but if he's refusing, he isn't leaving you many options.

Go see your GP together, or him go. Honestly, we use a prescription drug now (not Viagra as that didn't work for us, but a different brand) and it has made the world of difference. DP has ED from type 1 diabetes, and the drugs have meant we don't play roulette like you guys are currently (we had same scenarios as you) and everyone was a bit happier. The drugs come with their own emotional issues, but if you can talk to each other you will be fine.

We tried cock rings, a bit meh to be honest!

Ps you are not selfish. At all.

Thank you both - I do feel a bit selfish but writing all that down makes me feel more that I'm not. I suspect there is more of a psychological aspect to it than physical although whatever way I look at it it's a bit rubbish for both of us and for me in particular.

At the moment I don't feel that much like talking about it but we will do (we're generally pretty good at talking to each other about all sorts of things).

I'm not really feeling inclined to leave him over it - IMO there's a lot more to our relationship than sex although I wouldn't complain if it were better

You're not being selfish at all.
It is definitely worth a trip to the Dr to see what they can suggest.
I don't think a cock ring would help. If he is having difficulty getting erect in the first place, it won't help at all. It might help a bit once he gets hard, but I suspect the problem is a bit more complex than that.

My DH of 14 years has ED too, plus a heart complaint. He doesn't like giving oral, but is good at manual.

Thank you again everyone. We went away over the weekend and did talk about sex. He realises now rather more about how I am feeling about it and is happy (ish I suppose) to see a doctor/sexual health clinic about it. I have said I would go along as well. I think he favours the idea of getting Viagra (on the Internet although through lloyds pharmacies I think rather than somewhere more dubious) although I am still more keen on him seeing a doctor.
Sex did happen last night with satisfactory erection and maintenance of it culminating in successful PIV sex which is good . Although I think I probably need to make sure that this doesn't make it seem as if it's all fine as its more the consistency (or lack of it) which affects me.
I have found out this was a problem during his previous marriage as well so I do know now it's a long standing thing rather than being to do with me specifically, which does make me feel a bit better.,

Ask for a full blood test and make sure you get his testosterone checked out. Normal range is from 8 to 30 and ideally need to be in the middle and not below 12.

I ended up on TRT from a dodgy vasectomy and further corrective surgery. If Testosterone is low he will have ED.

Also it can be an indicator of health issues so well worth a GP checkup. Is he on any meds ? as these can cause ED.

I've mentioned to him about blood tests and also possibility of low testosterone levels (didn't exactly feel great suggesting that but he took it well )

He's in general good health - takes medication for indigestion sometimes but nothing long term. I think given the length of time it seems it has been going on that there is something driving it although whether physical or not is something to find out I suppose.