The sex has become boring

[RosieRustbucket]

Not sure if this is the correct place to post but i need help!

The sex in my marriage has become boring and functional. That's it, in a nutshell. My husband is pissed off, and now so am i.

We have been married for 9 years, and have two young kids. We have a lovely home, we both work on and off, and generally have a very nice life.

But the problem keeps rearing it's ugly head. He is not getting it enough, or with enough variety. My drive appears less than his, but i still do like to have sex. We try to talk about it, the sex improves marginally for a short time and then we slip back into the same old habits. On average we have sex once or twice a week, and usually both reach orgasm. Just recently we have have stopped intamacy completely due to this current lull, it's been about 6 weeks without any affection at all. I am very upset and concerned this time as i feel it's come to a point where unless something changes this could slowly be the end of us.

I don't know how to resolve it. Should I/we see a sex therapist?

I don't want to throw the whole marriage away and nor does he, but i just don't know how or where to start to make it better.

I'm sure there must be others who are in the same boat? Any advice would be really helpful!

We try to talk about it, the sex improves marginally for a short time and then we slip back into the same old habits.

Why do you think this happens? If you both want to improve things (which it sounds like you do) then what is preventing you both from doing so?

Or is it that you want different things?

How is your relationship otherwise? It could be that you need to work on other areas of your relationship first. Do you go out much as a couple? How often do you get a break from the kids?

If your kids are still quite young, I would say this is pretty normal by the way. It's hard to have a decent sex life when the kids are preschool age.

Are you on the pill? I ask as I found I was very uninterested in sex when I was on the pill and the ever present concern about getting pregnant again.

pocketsaviour, we are both not good at discussing the sex element of our relationship. I'm not really sure why right now, but this is how it has become. I am quite a shy, nervous person when it comes to trying to be confident in the bedroom. I think it probably goes back to growing up and having parents that didn't install me with much confidence in the first place. Therefore, i really struggle to talk openly about sex. I'd even go as far to say that i'm not even sure what makes me tick anymore.

We do go out without the kids,maybe once every couple of months, but its usually with other couples. The kids are 7 and almost 5, so both will be at school soon. They are pretty wearing at the moment and i don't think that helps.

I came off the pill about a year ago as i wanted to stop putting the drug in my system.
Using a condom is a bit of a passion killer, neither of us like it but i am reluctant to go back on the pill. Really i would like DH to have the snip, but he's not keen. I was the product of a coil gone wrong so i don't really want to go down that route either.

I'd say our relationship is pretty good, we like lots of the same things, we make a great team. It's just the sex that is suffering. All he wants is for me to feel confident about myself and what i like sexually, and be able to show that in how we act with one another physically. I just find it really difficult to let my inhibitions go, i seem to have lost my way over time.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I am now divorced (sex wasn't the reason) and it was only once he had the snip I really started to take an interest in sex I think as it felt liberating not to use contraception at all. I did buy some books before that about helping the shy woman in the bedroom or something like that. I found it helped. I did try some of the things out. It made me feel more confident.
What about trying to suggest being more spontaneous and maybe moving it out of the bedroom? Take a bath together? Just getting the intimacy started again sounds like a really important part of it too. Spend time lying naked together with no expectations of sex but just kissing and touching?

Maybe order some nice underwear? I've recently ordered things from lovehoney which have some very tasteful things. I would never have done that 3 or 4 years ago.

Hope you can work it out

I must admit, DH having the snip did wonders for our sex life. It is a different league to before and the improvement has lasted 10 years so far.

Work on increasing the affection - it takes effort when you have slipped into bad habit. More touching and kissing - non sexual and provocative.

Both of you write down things you'd like to do or try - doesn't have to be anything drastic, could just be sex with the lights on or oral sex in the shower. Exchange ideas. Writing it down can be an easier way to open up communication if you find talking a bit awkward.

Make a commitment to do something different every time you have sex. Again nothing drastic - could be a different location or position, involve toys, oral, watch each other masturbate - anything that stops it from being the same as the last time. If you increase the range of ways you have sex, it gets more interesting.

Have a look at Lovehoney together - see if there's anything that takes your fancy.

Some good suggestions there, thanks ladies. Some of them i've tried (baths, underwear, moving it out the bedroom) in fairness my husband has been up for all of this and more so it's been his suggestion.
This is what i mean by 'the sex improves marginally for a short time and then we slip back into the same old habits.'

We cant' seem to sustain these things and i don't understand why. I admit i'm not that adventurous but shouldn't he be trying to do something different too?

Perhaps writing things down is a good idea. I think one of the main problems for me is i'm not really sure what i like or want and don't know how to go about working the answer out. I wondered if it would be a good idea to go and talk to a sex therapist to help me. Although i feel awkward talking about stuff maybe someone who is not close to me and who has experience of this might be able to suggest a way forward.

Has anyone else ever tried a therapist?

I had sex therapy for a few weeks. Couldn't make it work for longer, the time was too difficult to organise (working hours only). Which probably says something in itself. I only ever managed to go alone, DH never made it.

It was quite liberating, though it didn't lead to my original goal (orgasm with a partner). The best single thing she did was just show me a whole pack of photos of naked people! They were young college students (pictures taken in the 70s I think but it didn't really show) and the thing was their bodies were just so variable and normal. I literally don't think I had seen any non-model naked people for decades, if ever, and certainly not in a setting where I felt able to really look at them - people have been naked around me but I never looked, and I don't think I'd realised how many hardly-dressed perfect/ Photoshopped bodies there are around us all the time. It genuinely reset something in my brain and I was less shy afterwards.

You say you're not really sure what you would like or want. Perhaps have a look at some online erotic fiction. Literotica is a good site