Am I gay or just bored?

[Curiouslyconfused]

I've name changed for this as my DD looks on here.

I'm a 50 year old woman, married(mostly happily) to a man for over 20 years and have recently become interested, for want of a better word, in lesbian relationships/sex.

I had a couple of very brief relationships with women in my teens but since then have been totally hetero or so I thought.

Only ever orgasmed through oral or use of toys and never been thrilled by penetrative sex. Over the past few months I have been thinking more and more about relationships with women.

I have become very good friends with two gay women but they are in a very happy relationship and I actually don't fancy them although I am very fond of them but I do wonder if they are the catalyst for my present confusion.

Is it likely that I'm gay, bisexual or just not very fulfilled in my sex life? I'm not contemplating an affair (and really wouldn't know how to go about it anyway) but do wonder if I will look back in years to come and wish that I'd had the courage to move/ explore.

I think we're all (okay the vast majority of us) bisexual to a degree, and id you've had flings with women in the past but also enjoyed sex with men then it seems you'd fit neatly into the "bi" label, no?

Would your H consider the two of you looking for a threesome with a woman, so you could explore this some more?

Sounds like a combination of everything you've mentioned in your post.

I expect the thing to really think on is whether you are looking to move on with a female relationship, where your husband sits in that dynamic or whether you are just reminiscing or longing for another sexual experience with a woman. And if that's the case where does your husband again fit in the equation.

If it's a relationship then the options are to separate or discuss an open marriage.

If it's sexual then yes as Pocket says you need to speak to your husband and ascertain how secure your relationship is to allow you to have a separate sexual relationship with a woman, or for a woman to be involved with you both in some way.

Obviously the latter can be more complicated - you'd have to meet someone also bicurious who found your husband physically attractive and then the rules about sexual contact with your DH would need to be defined. Would you be happy to bring a woman into the bedroom and share your husband with her, would he watch etc etc

The former option, I think is dependant on the male in the partnership, some men don't see women as a threat to monogamy for some reason and can live with a private bicurious "habit" for want of a better word.

I suppose I am classified as bisexual/bicurious. However my experiences were always as a single woman, playing with single people. I've no wish to settle with a woman, and have a day to day relationship with her, but I do from time to time crave the taste and feel of women.

When we first met my partner was ok with me having a separate sex life it's a female (I didn't because I still felt it unfaithful) now that his feelings are deeper for me he can't think on it.

I am happy for him to be with me, but I'm not sure if want him deeply participating with another woman. I'm totally selfish and she'd be mine to pleasure. I'd be happy for him to do some things though. Same for me if he wanted another guy.

So it's a complicated dynamic. We haven't worked it out yet. We enjoy taking about it though and he wants me to feel fulfilled.

However I am very wary from previous experience of forming a relationship in this scenario, for me it's a ONS experience.

I think the only way forward might be to visit a Swingers Club and then if a connection is made, use a private room.

Sorry pocket saviour but I doubt that's true! I can't speak for everyone else but me personally not a chance. I also think it's strong assumption to make as I know plenty of gays and lesbian's that have zero attraction for the oposite sex.

Sorry op for chiming in with that on your thread. Do you find women attractive on an emotional level. Or is it purely sexual? If it's just sexual then maybe you and your husband could come to an arrangement. If however you long for emotional intimacy and connection with a female then I think you need to have a good think about things. Hope everything works out om for you :)

Moopy I probably phrased it wrongly - I didn't mean that most people would fall somewhere in the middle between "gay" and "straight" - just that I think a lot of people have, say, ~99% attraction to opposite sex and ~1% same sex.

Mind you I do live in Brighton and have a large amount of friends who happily have a foot on both banks, so my survey sample may be skewed

It's ok :)

I'm a pretty Indecisive person however one think I've never been more sure of is my sexuality so I guess I was a bit defensive

i would never want a threesome and don't think DH would ever be interested. I think I'm almost certainly bisexual with, these days, a bias towards women. I do feel sad that I may never have a relationship with a woman but I don't feel I can rock my DH's world by leaving him. I guess if I met a woman who I really wanted to be with that would make up my mind but that's unlikely to happen unless I actively look for it which I won't.

Well, I wouldn't know what to call myself tbh. Used to identify as straight, with the odd girl crush. Was in a long term relationship and before that had a few boyfriends, but nothing serious. I'm now with a woman and have been for a few years. I don't think it's as simple as saying I must be bi, because I've enjoyed sex with both.

Yes, that's true, but sexuality isn't only about sex. It's much deeper. For example, for me, I am much more emotionally connected to a woman and yes, as time goes on, I'm realising that sexually, I'm more compatible too. But I did enjoy sex with men. It didn't mean that I'm generally sexually attracted to men though, as I'm slowly understanding. That might sound incredibly confusing, but I can have sexual enjoyment on my own,completely alone, or with a toy. Am I sexually attracted to myself?? Or a piece of vibrating plastic?? Erm, no. So what I'm saying is, just because someone enjoys sex with someone, it doesn't actually mean they're sexually attracted to them. If someone presses the right buttons at the right time, lovely things can happen but it Imo, it actually says vey little about your sexual preference.

I really don't quite know what I am, growing up in a small village in the 1970s with deeply conservative parents I didn't really know much about gay women. my couple of flings were very secret and I didn't know any women who were openly gay so I do wonder if I veered into relationships with men simply because it was the norm. The prevailing image of gay women was the unwashed, hairy type which I wasn't attracted to.

Added to that was the fact that I always knew I wanted children and tbh my upbringing never allowed for the possibility that this was available to women in a same sex relationship.

I do hanker after the tenderness and sheer knowledge of what makes me tick that I get from women. They seem to just 'get' me and although I have good male friends and enjoy the company of men (having never been a girly girl) I am happiest in the company of, mainly gay, women.

I wouldn't worry about labelling yourself OP. Labels are for food ????

Ok, I'll forget about a label but a signpost would be good. I'd really like to know which basic direction to follow. If sexuality was like a map I'd be the one following sat nav and getting stuck under a low bridge!

How are things OP?

I agree with the others that labels are not really important but I know some people (like me) feel they need to define who they are. It sounds from your last post that there is more than just boredom going on. I was married had children no inclination I was anything other than straight then things started to change, I realised I had probably only ended up in that life because that's what is expected. I could likely have continued in that marriage forever for an easy life, ignore the attraction to women, until I realised actually it went way beyond sex. Long story short I left, now have a girlfriend of almost a year and the difference is huge, the feeling I get from even doing just the mundane things with her like shopping or washing up just being in her company is a contentment I could never have had with a man. I totally relate to not wanting to destroy your DH and the life you have built together but we all deserve more in life than just going through the motions

I think I'm going to try and make a real effort with DH and give it a year then I will feel I've given it my best shot. I'm just getting settled in a new career so I shall concentrate on that and improving my social life whilst trying to improve my sex life. Then make a final decision in a years time.

Best of luck OP, I hope it all works out for you either whatever you decide in the future :)

Thank you Glass I'm really not convinced it's going to work but feel I have to give my DH my best shot, also I don't know (lack of experience) if being with a woman would work for me and, selfishly, I don't want to burn my boats so to speak.
I do love my DH but, at the moment, I don't fancy him. God, it's a minefield.