Bedroom help? Sorry for the long post

[blondebuddha]

So me and DH are very happy, have a 1 year old daughter and we are definitely 'that couple' that everyone hates because everything is so perfect and nicey nicey. No arguments in the years we've been together, pretty decent social life, nice house and garden etc etc. Everything is peachy until we get to the bedroom department.

We only ever have sex when HE wants to. Which is rarely. He's always too tired, too busy, been to work, has a headache (sorry for the slight sexism but I'm sure this is supposed to be a woman's excuse?!), his back hurts, his leg hurts, his hip hurts etc. I could go on but I won't. It's always been like this, having a baby didn't change anything.

I am not ashamed to admit I have a high sex drive. I'm an adult, I'm not embarrassed by my needs as a woman and have no problem trying new things. I also have no problem with asking him outright why he won't have sex with me. I've tried everything - naughty photos, texts, demanding, begging, asking, ignoring him until he decides to give me abit of attention. I can straddle him and kiss his neck and give his ear a little nibble and still. Nothing. I suggested toys / lube etc only to be met with an 'ugh'. I've even taken to refusing his advances and asking him how it feels, only to be met with a bottom lip and a grumpy 'I'm going to sleep then'.

What frustrates me the most is that he will very very often lie in bed with a boner. And tell me he has a boner, (because to a man, that is hilarious) And then he'll go to sleep. He will make no move at all to make the most of that moment. But if I make a move on him when that happens, then come the excuses.

I understand completely that he has a physical job and that yeah, he is gonna be tired alot. But me too. I have a physically demanding job too, I do the same amount (if not more) of housework as him. But I still have needs and he just does not seem to understand how he is making me feel; no matter how many times I tell him.

I've spoken to him so many times about this and it is the only time we ever come close to having an argument. I've told him that it makes me feel unattractive and unwanted, especially since that last little bit of baby weight will not disappear. I don't feel feminine, I don't feel sexy. It hurts me and makes me angry at the same time, reduces me to tears and this is happening nearly every single day.

It angers me that I have to ask him for sex. I really don't think I should have to, he should WANT to in the first place. Sending him a cheeky text is all well and good but abit of spontaneity on his part would be amazing. I just don't understand what more I can do.

I've even taken to refusing his advances Well than that's silly really & you are only spiting yourself. The tit for tat there is daft & childish & achieves nothing. Same with the begging, demanding & ignoring.

You cannot rely on sex to make you feel wanted, attractive and feminine. Same as men can't rely on sex to make them feel loved or attractive either.

If he refuses to talk about it, then perhaps you need to re-evaluate your relationship.

Blonde I just wanted to say I know how you feel as I'm in a similar position.
DP "lost" his libido a few years back.
We've had sex three times this year, last time was 6 weeks ago.
It's very hurtful, and to all those who think it's as simple as talking like adults about it... all he says is he doesn't know why. And gets very angry if I press on.
As for refusing when he wants it, in my situation it's not tit for tat. He only wants it in the mornings, not always a good time for me, and after waiting weeks/months for it I'd like the conditions to be right for me too....
Sorry, didn't intend to hijack your post. But you're not alone .

Have you told him you feel? - not the horny bit, the rejected, hurt, unattractive bit.
Have you asked him how he feels about your sex life? Is it just right for him? does he want more? less?
It could be that much as he loves you, he doesn't want more sex than he is having. Is he willing to have more? If he is willing to have more, is he willing to initiate it, or will that have to be down to you?
You would then need to decide if you want to stay in the relationship as it is, finding your own ways to deal with your sex drive, or leave.

The fact that he gleefully announces that he has an erection, then turns you down if you suggest having sex, makes me think there's more going on here than just loss of libido or tiredness.

Has he always been this withholding, or is it something that's happened since pregnancy/birth?

Is he controlling in other ways around the house or with parenting, is it "his way or the highway" sort of thing?

When you say rarely, how rarely do you mean?

I was going to say get to the doc to see if it's low testosterone but I agree with pp that if he's still getting erections it sounds like it's more of a mental than a physical issue...

Poor you sounds grim...

So has he always been like this? Or has something changed?

Has he always been like this or has his behaviour changed? If so, when did it happen?

I agree with Pocket, withholding was my first thought. I had years of emotional abuse from XH and he used sex against me to make me feel how you do now.

You really need to talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel. If it's unintentional he can stop it.

Are you confident enough to use a toy in bed?

I think I'd be tempted after rejection to just reach for the bedroom drawer and get myself off while he went to sleep with his boner.

Not being flippant, but if your sex drive is mismatched then you need to take care of your own needs. That's if there is plenty of affection and respect in the relationship but just differences in number of times.

Sorry an intimate questionbut has he ever given you oral?

If you feel able to, can you try using the vibrator together so he can see how you have an orgasm? My husband really enjoys this kind of thing and it has improved our sex life no end. He doesn't have the highest sex drive in the world but is understanding about my desires and he finds it such a turn on when he can see how much I am enjoying myself that it often leads to sex when he thought he wasn't necessarily up for it.

Also, Relate offers sexual counselling. We had it in the past (ages ago) and it was very helpful indeed.

differentnameforthis I found your post quite upsetting. I don't think it's necessary to focus solely on that specific part of what I said. You seem to have completely disregarded everything else in my post and zoned in on something you can try and patronise me for. I asked for advice not petty comments.

Thankyou to everyone else that has got back to me, I'm on my phone so I can't flick backwards and forwards to see what you've all put as I write but I am taking all your advice. We've had a good chat where I told him exactly how I feel and what I want to happen. He was pretty upset to be honest as he didn't realise how much it was getting to me and I am awful for bottling things up. We've spoken about spicing things up abit and so far so good! I think he's just got abit of a low sex drive and I have a high one so we're going to meet in the middle and see what happens.

ok!! Not meant to patronise you at all, but it us petty to refuse someone's initiationsfor sexwhen you are complainly about THEM refusing your own advances.

you post on this site you will get all sorts of comments, you cannot control what people focus on. if it upsets you, perhaps you need to think about why that is.

I did suggest that if he refuses to talk about it, you need to reevaluate you relationship.

I'm glad you've been able to talk it through properly.
I hope you manage to find the balance that works for both of you.