Reframing sex as nothing to be ashamed of

[ladygaga1980]

I'm possibly going to be seeing someone new and want to be less inhibited by a sense of shame that I feel about sex. this shame isn't on an intellectual level but deeper.

If you have fewer hangups than me and are more liberated, can you tell me how you view sex as not being shameful (and even a more positive reframing)?

I think I may be uncomfortable with feeling happy in general (thinking something bad is going to happen if I am too happy) and the aspect of sex purely for pleasure seems indulgent/wrong. Help!

It's good exercise and raises your endorphin levels for a start!

have you ever considered getting some psychotherapy about it?

It is seen holistically by the medical profession as part of your heathy well being.

Yes I might try therapy. Not sure if I'll be able to get an appointment before I meet my guy at the weekend though

Ooh I like the health angle...

What about a spiritual aspect as well? Sorry I look for this in everything I do...

It is good for your heart as well as flooding your body with endorphins. .. your body and your mind are supposed / evolved to feel good from sex.
Sex should always be enjoyed by both parties. In that respect it's not self indulgent. It is generally satisfying to see you've contributed to someone's pleasure and hopefully a shared pleasure.
Sex for recreation is entirely natural for humans.
If you struggle to let yourself be happy have you looked up some courses or counselling?

Why do you feel it is shameful OP?

Spiritual? Well sex is an act which floods the body and brain with endorphins. So you can feel very connected to your body and of course someone else.

I have always associated sex with shame. Thinking back, my dad used sex as a way of shaming my mother (accusing her of affairs etc.) The way he spoke was disgusting. Sex makes me think of my father maybe? Not good eh? PS this is just a theory! Also I went to a Catholic school!

Start your pelvic floor exercises now and look forward to reaping the rewards, both in bed and out of it.

you want to have longstanding issues about sex quickly sorted before your date this weekend?? good luck ;)

If you want to lose your inhibitions, I recommend wine.

Wine is good yes!

I have always believed in equality regarding sex.... If it is ok for a single man to act upon his sexual desires, why not a single woman? In my youth I had no qualms about having sex with someone if that was what be both wanted, I hate game playing and refused to buy into the theory that sex should be witheld as some sort of bargaining tool at the start of a relationship.

What is your attitude towards single men who have recreational sex?

From a spiritual perspective, the closeness I feel to a partner (however casual) at the point of orgasm is a profoundly spiritual experience.

It will probably take you some work to overcome the messages from your childhood that sex is dirty/shameful/sinful.

Nothing wrong with starting that counselling process now, and reaping the rewards further down the line.

Also if you are sleeping with a new partner I would just let him know: "I'm not very confident in bed, I was brought up in Catholic school" (no need to get into stuff about your parents at this stage!)

If he is a decent chap then he will be understanding and hopefully be able to show you by example that your body's natural response to sexual pleasure is nothing shameful and to be celebrated and enjoyed!

(If on the other hand he says "Woah, how about some priest/nun roleplay then" you know he's a dickhead and can kick him into touch before investing too much time in the relationship...)

Yes to wine, but go steady, just enough to loosen up, don't go getting legless. Sober sex is way better IMHO.

How is your self-confidence OP? Are you comfortable with your body?

I've just come out of a 15 year marriage, 4 DCs and an XH who used sex as a weapon against me (you're repulsive etc). I'm mid-forties, a bit heavy, but took the view that my body is amazing, I mean, it produced actual human beings! And if my partner wanted to shag someone with pert tits and arse, bloody good luck to them.

But I found a lover who just loves having sex with me. He's had a difficult time, we were both sexless for years and have taken the view that life is just too short for crap sex. We have both come into it with open minds, and because we have the same approach, neither of us are inhibited.

It is entirely possible to change your mindset and feel good about it. Reinvent and reawaken.

Goodbetterbest awesome post, I am in exactly the same position. Could've written that myself.

Am very happy for you!

It's an intimate way of showing love.
It establishes closeness and trust in a healthy relationship.
A good partner will get pleasure in pleasing their partner.
A loving partner enjoys making you feel good.
I read somewhere that regular PIV can help men prevent heart attacks.
As an adult you deserve a mutually fulfilling sex life.
If he is respectful and cares for you he will love all of your wobbles and hang ups.
It's what we are here for!
My partner makes me feel amazing, confident, sexy and alive.
I never put that much emphasis on it, and my needs previously, but I find myself ...wobbling and wailing with all my bits out and nothing makes him happier than satisfying me, and me him.

Neither of us would grace a catwalk but we both find each other "phwoarrr" and that's what matters.

When he makes me orgasm his face is a picture all day. Grinning like he has a coat hanger in his mouth.

Sex is something you do with someone not to them or have done to you. (This is my mantra for good sex).

If you are only meeting him for first time at weekend then you could easily have several weeks before it gets to the bedroom.

Do it when you want because you want to

Just read this OP. It might help themindunleashed.org/2014/03/sex-treated-spiritual-practice.html

goodbetterbest that is lovely to hear. And you go I love that article! Second para:

Pure sexual energy is as unstable as dynamite and just as explosive. It can transport us to sublime states of bliss and delight, or cast us into the darkest pits of anguish, terror, and depravity. The volatile and wild nature of sexual energy convinced some religious traditions to view it as an impediment to spiritual development, and to some degree this belief still continues to perpetuate in the popular imagination because of the confusion, heartache, and pain that sexual intimacy can cause.

It is, like most things, a paradox?

Orgasms are very good for you. Also laughter is very good for you, and I find sex funny as well as fun. Perhaps it's the way I'm doing it though!

I second the laughter. Sex is fun, so don't treat it seriously.

And it's free and legal! (Well I think mine is...can't speak for all! )