Is our relationship based on sex? Is that a bad thing if it is?

[ApignamedJasper]

DP and I have been together a couple of years and are getting to the stage where we are talking about marriage/being together long term.

Our sex life is, in all honesty, totally wonderful (no stealth boasting!). He is the only man who has ever been able to keep up with me sex drive-wise, and is the only man I've ever been able to enjoy oral with. We have done stuff together sexually that I've always wanted to try but never did with my exes. So on that side of things we are really really compatible.

Only problem is now we are getting to the long term stage I'm worried that our relationship is mainly based on sex. We don't really share many interests; he is massively into cars and mechanical things wheras I am into nature and travelling, I am an avid reader, he never reads books, I am fairly highly educated, he left school very early etc.

We like the same movies, tv programmes and music but that's about it and I'm worried now that our relationship wouldn't last if the sex died down, which is inevitably does as you get older.

I was in a previous marriage for nearly 10yrs and our sex life remained fairly constant through that time although it wasn't as good as I would have liked but we had a lot of similar interests and things we could talk about whereas with DP not so much.

Am I over thinking things? I just really don't want to get into another relationship that may fail 10 years down the line because what initially brought us together has faded.

Help!

Never mind the on-paper comparison of what you have in common. Do you like his company when you have your clothes on? Enjoy hanging out with him? If so, you're fine.

Meanwhile kudos on the shagathon, you lucky so and so

I don't want to be a Cassandra, but it sounds a lot like my last LTR. In bed we were amazing. We did enjoy each other's company out of bed as well, and had a lot of lively debates and conversations because we had different viewpoints on a lot of stuff.

However, ultimately we had very different values and I think that's the bottom line on why the relationship failed.

I suppose the question you have to ask yourself is are you looking for someone to settle down and have kids with, or are you happy just trundling along? If you want kids (or more kids) then it has to be with someone whose parenting values you share, IME.

Thanks tiny

I do enjoy his company when we are not having sex, I like hanging out with him and he makes me happy. But I do find that sometimes we sort of run out of things to talk about because some of the stuff I'm interesting in talking about he isn't and visa versa. But then I'm a very chatty person who hates silence and likes to be talking a lot of the time so if there's isn't anything to talk about I will find something to talk about whereas he is quite happy to sit and be quiet sometimes.

We both have children from previous relationships and we generally share the same values parenting wise but neither of us want any more children so we won't have any together. I definately do want to settle down and have something serious though, I think he does too hence the talking about marriage.

It sounds awful but I wonder if we did split if I would ever find someone who satisfies me sexually as much as he does again. Sex is really important to me so would be a big part of any relationship I have!

You dont have to marry him or settle down. You could just enjoy things the way they are and see how it goes?

IF it is only based on sex, it will probably run it's course.

I don't think it's enough.

My parents are aged 91/85 and still really love each other and enjoy each other's company. Think of yourself when you're retired - will you enjoy being together but having a lot less sex? I worry that you are running out of things to talk about and particularly that your educational levels are so different, which has a knock on effect on your interests.

I'd make the most of it but not make plans, I think.

I agree with Branleuse - ask yourself why you want to marry and live together? Presumably you both have your own homes and want time with your own children/relatives/friends/hobbies so you don't need to be together 24/7?

Sounds like you have a pretty good arrangement already - why bother to 'settle down' and have to deal with all the petty irritations of married life ?

It really comes down to how good the relationship is outside of sex.
Sex is really important to me in my marriage - we've had a lot of great sex over the years, however, health reasons have meant that we don't have sex as much as we used to, sometimes going for several weeks without any. Our marriage will be fine because we get on really well the rest of the time. We try to maintain the affection in the difficult times. If we couldn't have sex any more, that would be tragic but manageable.

Sounds perfect to me Its not as though you have to spend all your time together. You need to have outside interests and friends. I don't see why sex would dry up completely past a certain age either. I used to be friends with a lady in her early eighties who told me how exhausting it was keeping up with her husband...he was nearly 90! He sat at home reading, she was always out with friends, days out, cards, WI, charity fund raising, and shopping or getting her hair done. At the end of the day, as long as there is respect, love, an ability to laugh, support each other, and real affection I can't see why having few shared interests should be a problem. Friends, family, colleagues are all people you can share interests with and talk to, but not people you can have sex with. Anyway talking is very over rated. If and when I retire the last thing I would want is to have to twitter all day, I would rather read a book.

I disagree, you don't need to think how you will be at 91 and incontinent.

You could get hit by a bus, that asteroid could wipe us all out, whatever - carpe diem.

And if you both liked exactly the same things, had the same opinions, same political views, food, clothes and so on, where is the conversation, the debate?

This is true Eekaman, no one knows exactly how their relationship will be in the future so to an extent all I can do is hope for the best!

We do already live together and are together most of the time outside work etc so in a way it's like we are already married just not with the official paperwork.

I suppose, and this is just my own personal issue, but I just like to feel secure in a relationship. I don't want to feel like the other person could just take off at any moment and when I was married before I felt totally secure. There were lots of other issues but I never felt like he would/could leave me. With DP it's not that I think he will leave me if the sex goes but I guess I'm just not sure and I feel like marriage would help give me that sense of security that if he is that commited to me to marry me he will stick around no matter what. But I could be totally wrong! Arrg, I probably am overthinking this aren't I?

I think you are overthinking it. This is coming from someone who overthinks everything.

I think you sound happy so just be. Be happy and enjoy it.