Desperately seeking my libido

[shattered77]

Where's it gone? I just can't find it and it's becoming a big problem. I've been off my ADs for two months now and it's still not come back. Do I fake it til I make it? I'm not sure I could cope with pretending though, I haven't got the energy.

I was always really into sex, but since the dc I'm not interested. I'm now the complete cliché.

There were some resentments in the relationship but they have been ironed out, the kids still drive us mad, but these days do actually sleep. Contraception no longer an issue. I do feel like I'm a big fat frumpy fishwife mum, is this the reason? I'm trying to address it.

I've just read the sexless marriage thread, that will be my dh soon. How do we get shagging again???

I don't normally read this section and very rarely post a reply so my advice may not be as good or helpful as others' but I thought I'd try to answer anyway.

I'm in a similar situation in that, although our dc sleep well, they are still very young and most of our lives at the moment revolve around meeting their needs: cooking, cleaning, washing, tidying etc as well as of course looking after them and this sometimes means that there is very little time left over for us.

When the dc go to bed we generally end up flopping down in separate corners of the settee, heads in our phones with the TV on as background noise. I admit that enjoy this time as I'm not being touched or climbed on or slobbered all over (I often feel that, when the dc are up, my body is not my own and is instead merely a playground for them if that makes sense).

All this leads to a sense of 'disconnection' (if that's a word?) between me and dh; a feeling that we're drifting apart and that we're more like mates than partners; and this makes me feel like I don't want to be physically intimate with him and as a result our sex life, and my libido, has gone down the pan.

I think the answer is to find a way of reconnecting. Small instances of intimacy such as a smile, a hug/cuddle, a quiet meal enjoyed together, a night or even a weekend alone together (or even a day where the dc are still at their usual childcare) to just chat about anything and everything without constant interruptions.

Another thing could be to take up a hobby, or a fitness class or something that's just yours: time alone, time away from the general day-to-day drudgery of looking after young children, that helps you find yourself again as well as helping you get back to your pre-children body shape.

I wouldn't suggest trying to 'force' yourself to have sex with him; I think that would just feel like another chore that you have to get out of the way and might lead to resentment and more backing away. Bring the intimacy and fun back into your relationship in other ways and you might find that your libido returns on its own.

A very long winded answer, sorry!

Thanks for replying, mumofboyo. You have hit the nail on the head. All day I'm kissing and cuddling and responding to needs and demands, I just want to be alone at night and not be touched, but this really upsets dh, and he's right to be upset.

I've started the exercise, and it feels great!

We do the hobbies, and try and build intimacy in small ways, but it's still not leading to sex. Can you just get out of the habbit? And make yourself get back in the habbit?

I meant to ask, are there supplements you can take? How long post-antidepressants would libido normally return?

Me too! Definitely identify with wanting my own personal space when the DTs are in bed, and the 'heads in phones' thing. Maybe I'll suggest Tech Free Tuesday tomorrow (not in tonight) and see if we can watch a film without any distractions, and just talk. Saying that though it's my ToM so it'd be Sod's law that it'd actually work!

Shattered - you don't mention how old your youngest is, but don't underestimate the effects of hormones. My libido vanished completely for 4 1/2 years after giving birth. It can take a long time to come back. Also, what age are you now? I'm perimenopausal, and find that without enough oestrogen (currently on HRT, just had to get dosage adjusted) my libido disappears.

The other thing I'd suggest is talking to your husband - get a babysitter, go out for a meal in relaxed (not posh) surroundings, and tell him what you've posted here. Having been in relationships where it was the man's libido that was the problem, I can tell you there's a world of difference between being with a partner with a low libido who says "I know this is a problem, and I want to fix it, and can we work on strategies together?" and one where the partner with the low libido simply sticks their fingers in their ears and goes "la la la, can't hear you..." But totally agree that "forcing yourself" is not the way forward.

Good luck with it.

had similar problem here, children now 4 and 3. Solution that worked for me was 1. making more time for myself, sending other half out for a couple of hours with kids at weekend, or walking dog at bedtime and otherhalf doing bedtime. 2. learning again how to pleasure myself by myself. 3. reading a bit of erotica to get my mind going. 4. actually talking to my husband in the evening instead of doing the sit of separate sofas with heads in ipads thing. we still do it but we do try and make an effort some evenings.

Not easy I know. Hope you find a solution for you. x

Thanks for your replies. I'm 37 and youngest not 2 yet. My dh is young, sexy and patient , but we have had a big argument over it. I said there's not much I can do without a libido. I just don't fancy it. He said he will stop mentioning it, but can't not have sex forever.

I'm wondering if it's hormones turned psychological, or the ads. I do still come by myself, but I only do that out of habit.

Getting some exercise and time for you is a good start.

What's your husband doing to shoulder some of the burden of childcare and domestic stuff?

Is youtr gp helpful? Coul you talk to him/her about this? ADs can really impact on libido but they may have other suggestions that could help.

Is there something you could do together with your partner? I appreciate that might be difficult with children to look after but I was thinking of exercising together, yoga class, dance class? Doing something physical together that's not about sex might help reacquaint you in a physical sense.

Excercise, good diet etc...

But also get a good check up at the docs. A dodgy thyroid or anaemia can wipe out your libido too.

It can take a while to get back on an even keel after stopping Ads as well. Again, talk to your GP.

I think he's read the mn guide to getting sex, cos he has really ticked everything on the list to relieve burdens of stress, children, home. That's why it came to a head, cos he can't actually do any more. I put loss of libido down to the tablets but it's been two months now and no return. Had my bloods done, nothing amiss there.

I reckon I'm going to try going through the motions, and see if it reignites something. And get some 1970s porn .

In same boat here and I think it's brilliant you OP (and all the rest of us) are trying to tackle it. I went to the contraception n sexual health clinic the other day to get a painful coil out and I mentioned my lack of libido and her advice was (1) to give oral sex to make sure DH doesn't get too upset (2) erotica. But she couldn't recommend anything (can anyone? Fifty shades was dire). I think 2 months post ads is probably quite soon - I'm on them too and it's like the main reason isn't it for lack of libido. Talk to gp or go to cash - the nurse I saw was very helpful to chat to about this. I also agree that sport makes me feel like I could be up for it - but by 10pm....too tired. Me n DH are going to try for an 'intimate' night: we've got a 'horny cow' candle from cowshed, we will have quick early supper, get some great chocolate dessert, possibly get some porn and see what happens on bed. Good luck gals!

Mine disapeared after dd, but is back now. I made excuses, I avoided the situation and we drifted apart (due to other reasons too).

We gave things another try and made it a priority, along with spending more quality time together. we try really hard not to let there be a long gap when we don't now, and it stops it from becoming an issue.

I think the thought is more Daunting than the reality. You just need to give it a go, and then keep at it! Stop making excuses, the more you have, the more you Want, the easier and more natural it becomes.

we go for walks together with dd in the buggy as it gives us time to talk and connect, we spend more quality time together as a family rather than just muddling through the chores and jobs.

I don't think there is a quick fix, and you need to connect with him on an emotional level again. It's worth the work.

I have to say I have done a bit of faking it until I make it at times and have surprised myself that I can really enjoy it. Ours ex life is far from great but we are getting better. If you are going to do this pay attention to your cycle, it is easier for me ( if still a bit of work ) to get turned on during my fertile phase. I also find reading a bit of erotic fiction before we go to bed can help. Although I struggle to find stuff I like - if any posters have any suggestions I would be grateful.

One thing my husband now does is just ask me out right about sex which I prefer to a physical advance because that just causes me to shut down and freeze. I now stop and think and having that time to make the decision helps.

My husband hates me saying maybe tomorrow or similar as I have then gone on to let him down in the past so he just wants to now about right now. If I say no there is no pressure which is nice.

Another vote for a bit of reading material! I think a big part of my return to form was the discovery of fanfic (that's over the fact that it was fanfic, rather than the content!).

This is a subject that gets emotional very quickly. But if you told me, as a woman, that basically sex was off the menu for 4 years I would be less than impressed.

If you take sex out of a relationship you also take out a lot of the closeness and the most important way of making an emotional connection.

You subject your partner to a lot of distress - equal to yours. You destroy their confidence too.
I'm afraid the damage done is often irreparable sadly. You just have to read the anguish in the no sex threads here.

Personally I think faking it until you make it is ok. I expect to be flamed for that though.

Saying no becomes a habit. I've been there and done it. So I now make myself a promise. I really don't say no because I know that if I say no today it's twice as hard to yes tomorrow.

I'm a big advocate of faking it till you make it. My libido took years to come back after having DS and now I think I'm pre-menopausal and it's all gone haywire again... But faking it till you make it and having 'sex dates' (I know that sounds beyond ick but needs must...) does help. I understand why people may want to flame that advice, but what's the alternative? Wait for things to sort themselves out? I want to have more sex but I rarely feel like having sex, so ignore the second point and concentrate on the first, tbh.

I was on ADs for 7years and finally came off them last December. I had absolutely zero libido on ADs but recently it's come back with a vengeance. I'm delighted (and so is DH). It took just under 6 months for my libido to return so maybe you need to just give it a bit more time.

at regular blow jobs to keep him happy! I do definitely think that erotica works, as it starts feeding into your brain. It's hard to identify with the sexual person I was before dc, when all I do is clean up poo and wash pants.

However, whatever the reasons, I'm gonna go for it. It's also given me hope that in another few months libido could return. I know it's been a while cos I haven't had a uti in years .

Thanks for your help. Good luck to you all :-). Also I would like any recommendations for couples porn, stuff with erections and non-plastic bodies .

Hi all,

With the very kind permission of the OP - we are going to move this thread over to our brand new Sex topic.

Just to let you know, that this topic will only be available to those who have been members for at least 90 days.

Thanks!

oooh, that's good :)

For those in search of erotic literature, I heartily recommend literotica.com. It's free, there are different categories and I love it.

OP, I do think that sometimes you have to fake it til you make it. You start off thinking "I can't be bothered" but then it's really good and at the end you think "Well I'm glad I did bother."

Porn-wise I'd recommend trying out some of the following:
www.abbywinters.com/ (Various girls, all natural)
pornographiclove.com/ (One real life couple and occasionally some friends, I think she has had a boob job but not a real obvious one)
www.lustcinema.com/ (different full length films by various female directors)
www.nubilefilms.com/ (most girls have natural boobs, most are fully shaven)
www.danejones.com/ (most girls are natural, the sex is (or fakes being) passionate)

The latter two you can get plenty of free previews through YouPorn, etc.

My personal favourite is wolfhudsonisbad.com/ - he's an excellent performer who shows respect and passion for the people he's in the scene with. Some of his stuff is a bit kinky (there's one which is a roleplay of him breaking into someone's house and then "raping" her - could be triggering for sexual assault survivors) and some of the vids are a little cheesy. His partners are very varied from all natural full-body-hair types like Jiz Lee, to the full on silicon implant type, but there are more natural girls than not.

Also if you do want a bit of kinky stuff, I'd recommend kink.com. They have several different "labels" with different types of content - I like their Divine Bitches output - but what's great is you get a little 5-10 min interview with the performers before the actual scene. So you know you're watching two healthy, fully consenting adults doing what they enjoy and being fairly paid.

Hope that helps :)