Advice needed re possible bullying..

[LittleMisscantbewrong]

My ds (11) has been quiet and subdued for the last few weeks. He's not been sleeping well and not really wanted to play out. He's been saying everything's fine but I've been worried. Last night he burst into tears and it all came out:

Since 1/2 term 2 boys (his friends from primary)have been teasing and undermining him loudly in front of other children. They have been ridiculing his hair, clothes, music taste, hobbies, ability at said hobbies and academic ability. When they have teased him to the point where his lip is wobbling (this is a usually happy year 7 boy, not one for crying) they mock him for the expression on his face. When he's tried to walk away they point and laugh loudly.

He's been staying inside at breaks to avoid them. He's stopped attending clubs/social activities he enjoys to avoid them.

He says it's been happening 2-4 times a week. Other days they act friendly so he has been confused but now he thinks they're doing it to gather info to tease him about.

He has some good friends but is worried they will stop hanging around with him because these other 2 boys are 'popular'.

I have made an appointment to speak to the head of year later but need some advice.

1. Should I go in and say he is being bullied or is this heavy handed as nothing physical has happened? I want to be taken seriously.

1. Do I speak to the parents? Am friendly with both mum's but one in particular (am meeting her tomorrow!) My ds doesnot want me to tell their parents as thinks this will make it worse.

1. How shall I advise my ds to deal with it?

Thanks if you've made it this far. I am so upset and angry. He asked me to cuddle him until he fell asleep last night and I just cried when he had drifted off.

It is emotional bullying, which is just as bad, often worse than physically bullying.

The head of year needs to take action and ask them what they are going to do to safeguard your child. Also ensure you have the name of someone & somewhere private your child can go to in break times etc if they are worried or there is an incident.

I'm not sure about telling the other parents, it rather depends on how you think they'll react.
I would say if it was my child doing that I would want to know so I could deal with it. School are unlikely to inform them at this stage, so probably they won't hear about it that way.

I have spoken to a couple of people re issues my own ds has had and their reaction is it's just teasing you have to get used to it. But then others understand perfectly and wouldn't be happy if this happened to their own child.

If they are friends from primary then presumably you know the parents quite well and can approach to discuss without it becoming confrontational between you?

Thank you. I am trying to collect my thoughts so I can be prepared for the meeting. Having someone and somewhere to go sounds like a good idea.

He's quite robust and can cope with a bit of banter/teasing but I think the fact it's susatined has worn him down. He says he doesn't want to be friends with them, just wants them to leave him alone.

I'm not worried about it being confrontational (I know both sets of parents would be horrified, they both really like my ds). My ds is worried about the fact that the parents will speak to the boys and they will tease him for me stepping in.

DS had the same problems in year 7 with some boys from his primary, although a lot of it was on the way to and from school on the train. Parents were good friends of mine as well and it did put a strain on our friendship.
I firstly explain to your DS they have gone from being sharks in a little pond to little monnows in an ocean. Unfortunately some children can't handle it and end up picking on others to make them feel better about themselves.It is them that have the problem not him.Also they are only "popular" because everyone is too scared not to be their friend.

Have you spoken to his form tutor as well, just to let him know that DS is unhappy.

DS did withdraw into himself, he told me he didn't want any friends (sad) but he is year 9 now and has lots of friends (including these two boys) and his very happy. The boys ended year7 by getting into serious trouble for cyber bullying. The boy they bullied has just been made head boy of middle school.

It's not easy I know and sorry I can't be more help.

Thanks bruffin - it's good to know there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Bump for any more tips before the meeting

Ask what their procedure is for dealing with bullying. At our secondary, the offender(s) is spoken to and if necessary the school speak to the parents. I wouldn't go to the parents direct, best leave to the school.

My DD carries a notebook they gave her to record any instances no matter how small. For us the formal intervention by the school brought it to a complete halt (so far). With DD it was emotional bullying as well, which I think is worse as it really undermines their self esteem.

Keep it easy going during the meeting as if they are not helpful, then you have the opportunity to ramp it up.

From what you've described I'd say definately bullying, not teasing. It is happening repeatedly by the same offenders and damaging your son.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Thanks sdr. I'm typing out what has happened now so I can give the teacher a copy in case I get a bit flustered (basically am worried about crying, I feel so sorry for my ds).

How old is your dd? I hope she's feeling happier now. How long has it been stopped for?

You sound like me, I find it hard not to get emotional when one of the DC's are threatened. My DD has just turned 13 and it has been going on and off for the whole year. She tried very hard to stop it herself but about 2 months ago we asked the school to intervene and since then no problems. Hopefully in the new school year won't restart, but there are now written records at school, which interestingly was the first thing they looked at when I said I was coming in - to see if there were any recorded incidents.

DD is much happier now and goes off to school smiling .

So pleased for her (and you!). It's all you want isn't it for them to be happy - it doesn't matter if they are the most poular as long as they can have a good day with their friends.

Am going to send a copy to the headmaster as well as head of year. Tragically an older pupil killed themselves earlier in the year and bullying has been mentioned so they had better take me seriously.

Hope it goes well - sounds like with what has happened at the school, they should now have very strict procedures in place.

Definately write down the points you need to get across - the last time I had to speak to my daughters deputy head I ended up sobbing my way through the conversation.

I'm going through a very similar situ at the moment with my 12yr old (which is why I've just joined this forum tonight!)

I hope the school are supportive of you tomorrow x

If they're not ask to see their policy on bullying, and if you're not happy with it include the school governors in the process.

cals - what's happening with your dc?

It went well - the head of year was very calm and reassuring. He asked my ds what had been happening and he told him ( I was very proud of him, he did so well although it was obvious he was upset). Then he told my ds he had done the right thing speaking to us and that he will talk to them tomorrow. If anything else happens ds is to go to him and he will then come down on them like a ton of bricks (I hope!)

Most importantly ds is happy tonight and says he feels so much better now he has actually done something.

Fingers crossed it all goes well. I am not going to talk to my friend as hopefully this talk will nip it in the bud.

Thanks all for advice