16 year old refusing to go to school

[MrsDarko]

Sorry I have posted this in 2 subjects.

My daughter is 16 and has always tried to get off school when she can. On average her attendance since she started school at the age of 5 has hovered between 70 and 80%. I admit I was soft on her and didn't put up much of a fight in the earlier years because I honestly thought she would grow out of it.

Anyway since she started secondary her attendance has become much worse. She has full weeks off here and there and when I do make her go, she goes to to medical room and pleads illness until they send her home.

We have had a few letters about her attendance but more so since she started year 11 because obviously its GCSE and coursework etc.

Anyway since christmas she has constantly stopped off school. She'll go for the monday for instance and then have the rest of the week off or she'll go a couple of days and then plead illness. There is nothing wrong with her. She just can't be arsed to go. She's already way behind target for maths and english and is supposed to be attending catch up sessions but obviously when she misses school, she misses these too.

She has applied for college to do graphic design but everyone is telling me she won't get on the course with her poor attendance and her exam results will be crap because she's missing all the coursework. Even if she does get on it, will she be able to cope having to go every single day? someone said to me this morning that they think she will go for the first few weeks and then fall into old habits of stopping off every 5 minutes and then get chucked off the course.

Will it affect her college applications and exams etc? Has anyone any experience of 16 year olds refusing school?

(its not like she hanging around with mates instead, she has no friends and just stays in her room all day.

She was off school all last week apart from Monday and has not been this week either and doesn't intend to go for the rest of the week. Her excuse is that she is ahead with course work anyway but how can she be when she's never there?

Yu say in the early years you were soft her which implies now you are not soft on her. What action have you taken since christmas to make sure she goes to school each day?

So you have, on average, let her stay off one day a week since age five??

What do you do to stop her doing this?

TBH I am a bit shocked that you have let this go on so long.

I don't blame her for trying to wag off school to be honest. You have let her do so since she was 5. She is just carrying on parentally sanctioned behaviour. The problem is not with your daughter, it is with you.

You need to be utterly strict and zero tolerance with it now, however this will be difficult to enforce as you have let this carry on so long.

If I were you I would ask for a meeting with the year head/tutor at school and the education welfare officer to stress how important school attendance is. The EWOs aren't monsters, they are in the main very supportive if they know they have parental support.

And you dd needs to go to school even if she is ill. headaches, sickness, all the other low level 'illness' she has had, she will have to just put up with it. Arrange with the school that she cannot go and hang round the medical room. If she says she is ill, arrange a doctors appointment, go, let the doctor tell her there is nowt wrong with her, and take her back to school.

Do you work? If not take her to school and collect her, to make sure she goes.

Homework - sit with her if necessary for an hour every night and make sure she does her coursework/revision.

If she starts skiving school, take away privileges. Ground her, confiscate laptop/mobile, whatever she would most hate.

You NEED to turn this around. This is not just about school - this is about the rest of her life. How is she going to get on in the workplace if she doesn't turn up? You need to help fix the problem you have caused. It is not too late but you need to be very strict and no nonsense to help turn it around.

Tell her if she wants to live with you that she has to go to school - that school is her 'work' and that you will not support her in lying around the house.

You should have tackled this a long time ago and I'm aghast at your parenting tbh - which makes me think there is more of a back story here - are you or her depressed?

I was also going to ask if you think she could be depressed?

oh its too late now you have both fucked up any chances of her getting gcses - i mean its fuccking april ffs, they only have 6 weeks left - fucking pointless.

just tell her to apply to the nearest college for kids who didnt get qualifications and let her do a course in something bollocks like photography or some shit.

make her get a saturday job ffs.

get her a cv at connections and tell her to and i quote @ get your fucking arse into town and get a job@

i would fucking be depressed if - i thought oooh i will stay off school with mummy

go into school - no friends cos friends like to know that they have friends they can depend on to actually be there at break , dinner and extra curricular activities.

catch 22 - spend more time off school

has no friends

the kid probably is depressed, shes a loner aged 16 with no qualifications and no social life - ID BE DEPRESSED.

get her onto a bollocks course and get her some mates at least - you have totally failed her

Oh she is not bloody depressed.

She has been allowed to skive school for 11 years. She just doesn't want to go to school as, in her view, it is optional.

She is screwed re her work ethic I think. She has no idea that work = attendance, and that you have to go to work/school even when you feel like shit/can't be arsed/want to stay in bed because that, my dear, is how the bloody world works.

I would say try all the above things in my first post, but bloody hell it is going to be an uphill struggle.

OP - you have got to try and fix it as you are responsible for her having less prospects than other kids her age, frankly.

Totally agree Custardo.

Feel sorry for teh kid.

OP - my dd has had moments of saying 'oh mum I feel sick, mum I have got a bad head' insert other crap excuses here.

My remit has always been tough shit. You have to be at death's door to get a day off here because (a) she has got to learn that when she is older she has to go to work with a headache and (b) I have got to go to work as well and cannot take time off every five minutes to care for a child who is not ill nd just wants to watch daytime telly.

Message withdrawn

I agree about loss of any work ethic and that absence leads to lack of friends at school.
Very sad.

Where is OP?

ITS EASIER TO SEND KIDS TO SCHOOL have some timefor yourself - i have a mate whodoes this - i totally dont get it

OP is replying on thread in Teenagers where concensus is depression and possible aspergers ......

Oh for crying out loud. Forgot there were two threads.

WHY did the OP not see this in active convos.

getorf

read both threads and then chose which one you would clutch to your bossoom if you were op..

Glad you are back to your proper name

Lol - too true.

Oh well I have linked to this one now.

This is the thread I'm clutching to my bosom. Am memorising that thing about self esteem for the next time ds says he cba to do something.

Its like good cop bad cop with these two threads

Have a friend with ds who has never attended regularly since nursery because he doesn't like to get up in the morning.
He is now 15 and hasn't attended for two years and CAMHS are investigating agoraphobia and school phobia because friend can avoid prosecution if she can convince LEA he has a genuine reason for absence.
She hasn't bothered to mention ds doesn't get up til lunchtime but manages a pretty good social life out of the house each evening
Maybe OP is being advised by others who know the get out clauses too

Probably this has solved itself. Just to say she probably can get into college to do graphic design, since chances are she'll get her 5 GCSE's, and I'm sad about the slightly judgmental element of earlier posts. Depression is a very real possibility...
I hope things have sorted themselves out. So often teens loathe school, but thrive in a college atmosphere when they are only doing one - usually craetive - subject. I hope this is the case for you and your daughter.

Interesting you think she'll probably get in if she gets 5 GCSEs. Locally our Arts subjects are really, really competitve. My daughter is applying for one and is having to apply to three colleges to cover her chances. One of them, last year, turned away 2/3 of the applications.

One of the things (in addition to GCSEs, enthusiam and a quality portfolio) they said they looked for was committment.

Does your DD have any interests or hobbies? Some children really don't like school but manage to do well once they find something they enjoy.

Is she actually interested in graphic design or will it just be something to do to keep her off job seekers allowance? It might be more beneficial for her to learn a trade such as hairdressing or beauty, at least she will then have a chance of earning a living whether she gains 5 GCSEs or not.