DD1's school report is awful - help me handle this right

[SendReceive]

She is in Y8, and all through school has been near the top of the class, able and hard-working. But since January she has got in with the wrong crowd, her grades have plummeted and we've had some pretty dodgy behaviour both at home and at school.

We have just received her school report for this term and it isn't pretty. Normally we would be confronting her with it and asking for answers. BUT this situation first came to light quite a while ago in a series of crises, so both she and we were expecting this sort of report (though tbh it's pretty grim seeing it all written down), and we have since been addressing the behaviour and schoolwork issues. She has acknowledged that she needs to knuckle down and things have started to improve. The threat of having to redo the year, or not get the options she wants in a couple of years bothers her.

So do we go in all guns blazing anyway (because we are both REALLY disappointed, we can't pretend that we aren't) to make sure the message that this can't go on is properly hammered home?

Or just leave the report out for her to read in the hope that less will be more, and risk her thinking that we aren't that bothered?

It needs to be addressed, but maybe not with the all guns blazing approach. I wouldn't let her think you are not bothered, though.

Do you have a previuos report that you could look at alongside this one and let her see where she is going wrong.

You say she has acknowledged she needs to fix it and are already making progress in this area. Right now would be a great time for you to sit down together and see what's working for you all and what's not.

It is fine to let ehr see your disappointment, especially if she feels disappointment too. Just take it as an opportunity to reiterate that you know what she can be like, and you know she wants to do this, and that you are going to do whatever you need to do to help her, so that she never has to see unpleasant stuff written about her again.

Good luck.

Sounds like Year 8 dip, a well known phenomenon, especially with boys. Been there, done that last year.

OK, what we did was to go to school and see the HoY, after we had spoken to ds about what we planned. I arranged for him to go on monitoring for about a month. This meant for each lesson he had a chit signed and commented on by the teacher about classwork being done to a satisfactory standard and enough of it done, homework being recorded, completed and handed in on time, (I sorted that at home), him concentrating and being focussed in class. It worked, and I only have to threaten it now and the grades whoosh back up.

What I would also do is to talk to her about the crowd she is in with. As a teacher I was often asked to seat people apart, and rather than the child or the parent being blamed, I would reseat everyone, keeping the 'troublemakers' well apart. She may want you to ask for that to happen. Contact the school and ask what they see as the way forward as well. Her tutor and HoY should be well aware of the problems and be willing to work with you to resolve it.

Good luck!

As you say you have already started to address the issue, this report isn't exactly a surprise so there is no point going off at your DD.

OTOH you need to show that you do care about it - so having a sit down chat, as Prosecco says, is still a good idea but make it a constructive one e.g.:
"Well, we were expecting something like this, weren't we, DD, but the thing is to put it behind you because you have already started to change it around - so let's draw a line under this one and the next one will be better"

Acknowledge the disappointing results but also point her towards the positive of the situation. CHances are she's already pretty embarrassed by how bad it is, so getting cross isn't going to help.

Prosecco - good idea, I will get out previous reports for her to read, the contrast is staggering.

Scary - yes her HoY mentioned the Y8 dip, he also said it was the year when they are the silliest and naughtiest. Check.

With her report was a letter inviting us to a meeting with the HoY + a couple of other teachers, so we will ask for her to be reseated in all her lessons (some teachers have done it spontaneously, others haven't).

I will also ask about a monitoring system (not sure they have one). TBH I think deep down she'd appreciate it as she is caught between wanting to look cool (ie not do any work) and privately wanting to do well, so if the obligation came from outside it would be easier to handle with her mates. The other thing is that she is basically lazy so if something doesn't come easily she has no perseverence and gives up. She needs study techniques.

Her form tutor said they would be splitting the troublesome group up next year, fingers crossed that helps sort the problem.

I thought the dip was in Yr 9.

thumbwitch - you are right, getting cross would probably be pointless, we've done a lot of that lately

We will have to count on her being as disappointed as us for the basis of a calm conversation...

I don't want to appear too soft though because she will think she's getting away with it.

She's not likelt to show that she's as disappointed as you, if she's trying to be "cool" - she's more likely to be a bit "whateva", isn't she? To your faces anyway. Doesn't mean she's not embarrassed inside.

Be positive in encouraging her changes, say that you know she'll turn it around for the next report (do you get reports termly/half yearly/annually?) BUT also drop a hint of warning that you aren't going to take it lightly if the next report doesn't show significant improvement.

I.e. you've had your chance, lady, don't mess it up. Just couched in less combative terms!

The dip is year 8; the year from hell is normally year 9, when they are in between lower and upper school.

Odds are they will have a monitoring system - they may call it being on report - semantics really. It is a piece of paper with what is being targeted on it, divided into however many lessons and week and the teacher has to sign and comment on it each lesson. I saw ds's each day, as I was being very strict, but where I taught the HoY used to see those with reports every morning in registration, and if any of my tutor group had one, they had to see me each break.

I would not, and do not give rewards for improvement, as I feel very strongly that this is for the benefit of the child, and they should be working because it is their future it impacts on. It is down to the individual parent however. An improved report in my house tends to be 'you've escaped boarding school for another term then'! I do praise, but don't tend to link it to monetary reward as some do.

Well... I didn't see her read her report but this evening she said she only had one thing to say and that was that the next one would be much better.

No need to get cross, she is rattled and she has got the message. She is coming to the meeting with her teachers - it looks like she has work to do to convince them she is keen to improve.

We aren't planning any particular reward for improvement, as it will only return her to where she should be. But we will have to think of a strategy if the next report isn't much better...

We too emphasise that all this is for her own benefit and I think she has got that message too. We use the boarding school line too!

that's great, SendReceive - first signs of maturity peeping through there from your DD?

This might be of use to you: here is an example of the motivational test for whether you are a "carrot" or a "stick" person. If your DD does this test, it will help both of you to work out ways to help her achieve improvement.

HTH!

I hope so, Thumbwitch, I really do!

Thanks for the link, v useful