DD Year 7 Friendship Problems

[stellsie]

My DD goes to a middle school (Years 5 - 8) then moves up to upper school in Year 9. She settled in fairly well after a few little blips in Year 5. Towards the end of Year 6 she got herself into a initially nice little group of about 7 girls and up until Jan this year everything was fine. During January she had an argument with 1 of the girls whilst on MSN and for a couple of days they didnt talk (on MSN or at school), which made things difficult for DD as the other 5 or 6 girls spoke to her, but clearly 'sided' with the other girl. After a few days the girl said sorry to DD, and DD apologised back, and for a few weeks things settled down again.

Until half-term when 1 of the girls announced her birthday sleepover and was "really sorry but could only have 5 of the group", so my DD and 1 other girl were left out - so I asked my DD if she would like the other girl round for a sleepover/swimming instead - she said yes and they had a great time. However, since then another birthday sleepover has been announced - and this time my DD is the only one left out. She was upset and angry about this - I am just grateful that she came home from school and wants to tell me how she feels - apparently the girl said to DD "i feel really guilty not asking you but my mum says I can't have everybody". DD still very hurt and clearly is being left out. Then to top it all, on Friday during a drama lesson the teacher asked them to get into groups of 3 - the 3 girls by DD prefers in the group quickly said they were going together, so it left my DD with the other 2, so they all went together. They couldnt agree on which play to rehearse and act out, my DD wanted to do one and one other girl wanted to do a different one, eventually my DD backed down and the other girl got her choice. Then they couldnt agree on who was being which part, my DD stood her ground but 1 of the other girls said "oh god XXXX, just let XXXXXX be that part so we can get on with it". In the end DD said she was so upset/angry she had to fight back tears. Teacher asked her at the end of the lesson what had been wrong and when DD told her, she said it's so difficult all you girls bla bla. DD came home fed up and i think drained from feeling left out all the time.

I got home from work earlier today and had a look on her MSN (i have the password - we got her a laptop for Christmas and she understands that we can access it). She had a conversation with one of the girls in the group last night - DD had put "do any of you actually really like me?" "None of you want to partner me in PE, and when we go to lunch I'm always trailing along behind". The other girl replied "yes we do like you". DD said that it didnt feel like it and that she was fed up being left out.

She said to this girl that she has always hated being at the school, since year 5, and would like to leave and go to another school. This made me feel so sad for her - what on earth do i do? We have one other middle school on the other side of town, but both middle schools go up to the same upper school. She does well in her subjects, had a recent parent's evening and teachers pleased with her.

She has tried to make different friends (on my suggestion as I told her it was best to have a wider circle of friends if the others can be so bitchy).

I dont want to make the big decision of moving her, when i know it could all blow over and tomorrow things could be fine again. However, I dont want her to be unhappy either.

Please help!

By the way, I should mention that she is incredibly hormonal too at the moment! - almost 12 and skin/figure changes all over the place, I am expecting periods about to start. Could this be making every little thing that goes wrong seem much worse than it really is?

Thanks again,

Mum to 4 girls here, aged 12 - 18 (+one boy) Year 6 and 7 is just a minefield of hormonal, bitchy, horrible girls trying to sort out who they are in life and struggling with loads of friendship issues.
ALL of mine have had varying degrees of friendship issues. DD1 and DD3 have certainly gone down the route of wanting to change schools and nagged us relentlessly to let them move. We never did, as I felt that any issue should be dealt with and if they changed schools, not only would the problems just re-emerge at the next school at some point, but also I wanted them to learn how to deal with difficult situations in life.

From experience, it WILL blow over and in a few days/weeks your DD will either have other friends, or the group will have moved on to leaving one of the other's out. This does seem to be a large group of girls, which may split into two groups at some point.

When I have discussed any issues with experienced teachers of year 6/7 they have all said that these years are a nightmare and they spend an awful lot of their time sorting out girls friendship problems. I would be careful about speaking with any parents of these girls as i have found this quite unsuccessful in the past. I have ended up not friends with one parent who would not accept that here was ANY wrong on her daughter's part.

Sorry, a lot of waffle and probably not a lot of help. This time will pass, but it is HORRIBLE. Just be there to pick up the pieces and boost DDs confidence in any way you can.

Good luck

Thank you both for your replies. Very helpful - if only to know DD (and me!) are not alone in this bitchy stage of her life. I dont actually think it is bullying as such that she is going through, as she is not 'weak' and I am pretty sure she will give back too (the argument over who was having what part in drama is a good example of that). I do tend to agree with PositiveAttitude that wherever she goes she will face some sort of argument etc over friendships, i know that if she stays where she is until the end of Year 8 (she is already half way through Year 7, so only a year and a bit to go!!), when they move up to the upper school 2 or 3 of the girls are going to a different upper school, in a different town. That could be a good thing.

I have just picked her & a friend up from school (she walks to school with the same friend she has known since they were 3 - they dont hang around much at school but are good friends out of school, so that is nice), and she seems in a much happier mood today. She has a club that she goes to on wednesdays so is looking forward to that.

I know this is immature of me, but i cant help myself - i hope that the ones leaving DD out at the moment get their turn of seeing what it feels like!

And yes I agree with regards approaching parent/s of said children, I tried a few weeks back to have chat with one of them and she (wait for it) suggested "that maybe these friends arent the ones for XXXXXX" and that she "should look at finding some others". It took all my strength not to tell her to get stuffed!