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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

DS at state comp, DD going to independent school, anyone in similar situation? Is it wrong?

17 replies

Katnkittens · 22/04/2009 10:20

I have a DS aged 13, he goes to the local state comp and is very happy there, there was never any question in his eyes that was where he was going, he wanted to go there, his mates were going there etc.... My DD1 is very different to DS, he is happy to blend in etc.. she is a very cofident girl who excels at performing, singing and dancing in particular and has been bullied throughout primary school because of it. Not really badly but enough for her to dread going to the same school as my DS as thats where these girls are going.

We decided to try her out for a scholorship at a local selective independent girls school, she was offered a place and a partial scholorship so she will be going there. My DS is happy for her and actually happy that she is not going to his school (lilttle sisters are SOO embarrassing!). We have explained to him why she is going and he is 100% happy.

Is it bad to send one and not another? Even when the one not going is happy? It's just a lot of people have commented on the fact that DS goes to state and is it fair sending DD1? I feel like I have to justify it to all and sundry! I am very proud of DD for getting into this school as it's quite difficult to pass the entrance exam, never mind getting the scholorship!

Anyone else in the same situation? Has it caused any resentment/issues between siblings? Interested to hear your views.

OP posts:

LotsOfLovelyShoes · 22/04/2009 10:24

Interesting - I wanted to do this but have decided against it....mostly for money reasons but if everyone is happy and the issue is not majored on within the family I don't see why it shouldn't work.

Especially as she has a scholarship then why not use it. Perhaps let your son know that he can have some advantages ( I am sure you will have thought of this) and can do the skiing trip etc

Original poster

Katnkittens · 22/04/2009 10:30

Yeah, my son gets everything he wants (within reason obv), he's a lovely child and to be honest doesn't ask for much, we got him an amazing PC for Christmas as that's his thing and he is generally happy with his lot

He would HATE the idea of going to a school where he didn't know anyone, he's happy in his comfort zone where he knows people.

We don't have loads of money as I had my kids when I was a teenager and I'm still at university, we will have to tighten our belts but this is just such an amazing opportunity, I feel we would regret it if we turned it down.

OP posts:

LotsOfLovelyShoes · 22/04/2009 10:36

absolutely , go for it! Our eldest DD was similar in that she went up to secondary with good mates and it's not a 'bad' school but felt that DD2 may benefit from more confidence, self esteem type of benefits from a private school. DD2 also has a rubbish bunch of mates who are not very bright or competitive, sorry if that is a dodgy thing to say!!

If your ds is happy now and understands the whole situation then I am sure everything will be fine. My only concern is what he will think as he gets older as I know that my DB and DS have something of a chip on their shoulder (still?) as they didn't pass 11plus and I did. They seem to think that I had it easy and life has followed on to be fairly easy for me...married well and have a large family, good job and no big issues. IYKWIM.

I suppose just make sure that he has all the social advantages too ie. sports clubs and plenty of encouragement to achieve...

thirtysomething · 22/04/2009 10:54

I am likely to be in same situation as you - my DS is going to private secondary in September for exactly the same reasons as your DD and it's been 100% his choice to do so. DD is far less academic, in a more balanced, friendly friendship group and just assumes she's going to the local state school when it's her turn. I would consider sending her to an independent school to avoid any resentment etc but a) there isn't one for her ability range (I can't go through the stress of entrance exams at selective schools with her as she really isn't that kind of academic level and would get v. stressed) and b) she would be horrified at the thought of leaving her friends.

Have given it a lot of thought and have concluded that as long as we (including DS/DD) can rationalise why they're in different school systems then it doesn't matter what anyone else says. If the child is part of the decision, they'll remember that part of it when they're older which is very important IMO.

AMumInScotland · 22/04/2009 11:05

I think if both your children are going to the schools that suit them best, and where they are/will be happy, then that has to be a good thing, and no-one should make you feel odd just because it's not the most usual arrangement. The important thing is that both children understand the decision and are fully-involved in it and genuinely think it's the right choice - which it really sounds like it is in your case.

It would be just stupid to move your ds out of the school where he is settled and happy, and equally bad to send your dd there when you know it's not the right place for her.

As long as they know you love and value them each for their own abilities and qualities, there's no reason for any resentment.

Sidge · 22/04/2009 11:14

I think that the most important thing is that your child is at a school that is right for them, regardless of whether it's state or private and regardless of what others may think.

We have DD1 at a private prep school as her needs weren't really being met in her state junior school, and our local secondary schools are very poor.

DD2 has complex SEN and is in reception at a state primary and doing well. Her needs are being well met there so I see no need to change her school.

I think you have to feel confident in the decisions you have made as you know why you have made them, and others don't know your children like you do!

Dottoressa · 22/04/2009 11:18

I'd second what MuminScotland says. And huge congratulations to your DD1 - she has done very well indeed!

Original poster

Katnkittens · 22/04/2009 11:19

Aw thanks guys for making me feel better. I guess I know my children better than anyone else and love them equally but you couldn't get 2 more different children!

Thirty your children sound like mine, DS isn't particularly academic, he's more into IT and he's computer mad! I've just enrolled him into karate classes (he's not amused), I want him to do SOMETHING!! It's hard as they get older, when he was little he had swimming lessons, gymnastics, trampolining etc... now he's just not interested... sry should be on the teen thread for that one

Just to complicate matters I have another DD, but there are 6 school years between DD1 and DD2 so I have a while to worry about where she is going at 11!

OP posts:

Galava · 22/04/2009 11:27

DH is one of 4.

The elder 2 went private, the younger 2 didnt due to lack of funds.

I think he found this a bit irritating as a child but found it really didnt make any difference in the end as he far outstripped his elder siblings in his choice of career and financial earnings.

In your case I think you are doing the right thing, your children are different and you know them best. Its them being happy that matters most.

Lilymaid · 22/04/2009 11:29

Yes - DS1 went to independent (one of the top academic schools) and DS2 went to local comprehensive as DS1's school would not have suited him at the time - and the state school seemed better at the time than the other independent options.
For Sixth Form, DS2 is now in an independent.
We couldn't afford to pay for two at the same time.

northernrefugee39 · 22/04/2009 11:31

I agree with what the others say.
You do what's best for each individual child at the time.
They know you love and value them for themselves, and what's right for one isn't necessarily right for another.

OrmIrian · 22/04/2009 11:32

I can't see anything wrong with it. As long as DS doesn't feel short-changed and both the schools are good and fit the children.

mimsum · 22/04/2009 19:03

we may be in the same situation in a couple of years' time

ds1 is in y7 at an academically selective independent boys' school which is very traditional, strong on discipline and sport - he's very bright, very sporty and can be very naughty so it suits him down to the ground - he loves it and was delighted to be going back to school this morning

ds2 is a completely different character -he's not at all sporty, is gifted in maths but has fine motor skills problems which make writing hard, is very dreamy and in a world of his own a lot of the time and would rather be eaten by crocodiles than misbehave in school - I'm really not sure that ds1's school will suit him at all - at the moment I'm veering towards the local partially selective state school where he would be in the top (highly academic) stream, it's just round the corner and lots of his friends will be going there

None of the other reasonably local private schools would suit him any better than ds1's school and I can't see the point of sending him private unless it's the right school for him - I do, however, worry that he may be resentful later on and just can't come to any kind of decision

larry5 · 23/04/2009 14:44

My eldest ds went to an independent school - he is very bright and it was what he needed, ds2 took the entrance exam and didn't get in so he went to a c of e high school which selected on church attendance and was the right school for him as it enabled him to use his abilities in sound and lighting for school productions. Ds1 is now a teacher and ds2 is a self-employed lighting designer and earning far more than ds1.

We did what we thought best for the two boys.

Dd 16 - who is 15 years younger than ds2 - is at the local state school and is doing brilliantly but by the time she was born we couldn't afford school fees and she didn't want to go to the all girls grammar school where we used to live so she didn't take the entrance exam.

LadyPenelope · 23/04/2009 15:02

My kids too young to have crossed this bridge yet, but it was something my parents had to deal with. Their approach was always right shcool for each child. Eldest 2 went to state primary and state secondary all the way through. My DB went to private primary school, then state secondary until 6th form when he went to local tech college. I went to state primary, state grammar and then private school for 6th form. We each got what we needed and it never occurred to any of us to question it. They were flexible to our needs and we were involved in the decision making when we were old enough.

nlondondad · 23/04/2009 15:08

if you have the money you could put the fees you are actually paying for one child in a fund for the other. Evens things out later!

risingstar · 23/04/2009 20:49

we are just starting this but for slightly different reasons. DD1 is academic and in Year 9, doing fine in the local comp and likely to get 11 Gcses with potential to get quite a few As, depending of course on the effort she puts in. DD2 in is middle school year 6, equally bright but dyslexic and going nowhere slowly. So we are sending her independant in Year 7, with the possibility that she will go to comp in year 9. I think, like OP it depends on your kids. DD1 is old enough to understand that we give the kids what they need, and DD2 needs a better education!

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