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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

which school to choose fro DS - state or private?

27 replies

cremeeggs · 09/02/2009 21:34

DS (10) has been accepted at a selective, academic secondary which does v. well in league tables etc. He is also likely to get a place at the local comp, which also does well in the league tables.
He prefers the private option, mostly because he wants to have a "new start" and make new friends, plus they have very good facilities, small classes and he loved it when he looked round.

The local comp is vast, with huge classes and very limited facilities, yet most of his year at school will go there.

I love the look of the private one, and we can just about afford it, but I'm a bit worried that six months in he'll see his old friends hanging around after school and feel excluded as the private one has a larger catchment area.

He's not having a good time at school at the moment - lots of small gangs and feels he doesn't fit in with any of them - but I sense this is just temporary as he's been fine up until now. What would you do?

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HecateQueenOfGhosts · 09/02/2009 21:35

Put him where he feels he'll be happiest.

Original poster

cremeeggs · 09/02/2009 21:43

Well at the moment that's the private one - I guess i'm just concerned he may change his mind if he misses his old crowd of friends who will all still be together....

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MaplePecanPlait · 09/02/2009 21:46

but hopefully he will have new mates by then?

Perhaps you have to be bold and make the decision to do the private thing. Wish I could but was far too fertile to budget for it!

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 09/02/2009 21:47

Well, if he starts at the private school, he still has the option to transfer, whereas I suspect it might be a bit harder the other way round - in terms of getting the place?

Original poster

cremeeggs · 09/02/2009 21:48

good point maple, i suppose it just feels like such a huge leap which is why I'm hesitating....

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Original poster

cremeeggs · 09/02/2009 21:50

Hecate round here once you give up a state school place you can't be guaranteed to get a place at your catchment school again unless there's a vacancy (unlikely as it's hugely oversubscribed) so once the place is gone, it's gone....which is why it seems like such a huge decision but I think deep down I do feel he'd suit the private school more...

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Original poster

cremeeggs · 09/02/2009 21:50

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MaplePecanPlait · 09/02/2009 21:52

I know and you are possibly a bit of a 'worrier' like me.

I worry so much for my DCs emotional needs when really they are quite tough. If your DS is keen to go to the private school then that is prob the best place. Also I am sure that there will be lots of kids in his position who didn't go to the private junior school so will be newbies too.

Just think of the opportunities he will have plus he will still be able to hang out with his old friends surely and it may be less concentrated so a little bit easier for him?

ScummyMummy · 09/02/2009 21:52

I'd try the state school first if it looks like it could be a good enough option. Much easier to move him to the private school if it doesn't work out than vice versa, I'd have thought. Any secondary will be an opportunity for new friends and a new start, even if his whole class accompany him.

Original poster

cremeeggs · 09/02/2009 21:54

mmmm scummy you have a point.....just find it so hard to make a decision once and for all - it seems like a huge thing to be deciding, and maple, you're right, I'm a real worrier!!

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MaplePecanPlait · 09/02/2009 22:04

Oh dear. I hate things like this and would wish someone else to make the decision.

I used to see an aromatherapist (stick with me) who advised me when I had a difficult decision to make to take a Bach flower remedy called Scleranthus (I think?) which helps clear your mind and is especially good for helping you choose between two options!!
Don't know if you go for that sort of thing but helped me decide on a course to take rather than not take kind of thing...

helprelocating · 10/02/2009 07:48

Hi Cremeeggs. I feel for you - it is tough making decisions about a child's future. Just a couple of points to hopefully take the pressure off. 1- most indie schools have an intake at 13+ from prep schools, so find out if yours does as this gives DS another access point. 2 - although your local school is oversubscribed you could start DS at the indie and put his name on the waiting list- waiting lists are generally done on straightforward distance and for our local schools places do come up and many parents don't move children to their first choice once they are settled at second choice, so lists can move quite quickly. As you would have to move his ASAP you would lose fees but you would be saving in the long run anyway. Remember too, that while you want him to settle, he does have a few years before starting GCSE options so your decision will not be set in stone.
I think I would be tempted to go Indie as your DS wants a fresh start, leaving friends behind can be a big step so he must really want to change schools.
Good luck

choosyfloosy · 10/02/2009 08:00

OK, personally I would listen very hard to what your ds is saying - he's not exactly giving you a mixed message here. The potential exclusion from his old friends probably has some reality, life being how it is, but he will have new friends. Where did his phrase 'new start' come from? It doesn't suggest he's been that happy with his existing friendship network, or is it a phrase his grandparents use or something?

why not think hard about an out of school activity he can do that a lot of his old friends do? a sports club, orchestra or similar? he doesn't have to do all his out of school activities at the private school.

choosyfloosy · 10/02/2009 08:03

sorry, another post - I would strongly advise against a move at 13+ as the friendship networks at the private school could be well-established by then - though [disclaimer] this is influenced by my dh whose move from private to grammar at 14 was traumatic and something he still literally has nightmares about.

Original poster

cremeeggs · 10/02/2009 09:51

thanks all, really appreciate the input!! Maple that sounds like a fab idea, I like complemetnary therapies, will def buy some of that!! helprelocating you make a v. good point about his wish to start again and I think Choosy I am now focusing on what he wants above all - you're right, he does have a strong desire to move on and leave his old school behind. he already does some out of school things with current friends and he'd continue those....on balance all is pointing to the Indie school now. Thanks everyone for helping me clarify!

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campion · 10/02/2009 16:48

Just wanted to add - don't rely on any places being available at a selective, academic independent school a year or two down the line. There often aren't any ( I teach in one ) and if there are then the child will have to prove that he's working at the same standard as the rest of the year group.
Most academic independents work at a faster pace and in more depth than most state schools. It can work but it's a bit of a risk.

thirtysomething · 10/02/2009 19:44

thanks Campion, that's useful to know- would you mind me asking (seeing as you teach in one...) if you would recommend that kind of environment for a motivated yet quite sensitive child? Thanks!

campion · 12/02/2009 16:25

Sorry for the delay, thirtysomething.Yes, I most definitely would and I have experience as both a teacher at such a place and as the mother of a bright, sensitive child who would have sunk without trace at the local comprehensive.
He went to an academic, selective school ( not mine, so no staff fee reduction ) and was treated as the individual he is.

MrsGrahamBell · 12/02/2009 17:43

I agree with Choosy - he is telling you he wants a chance to make new friends - I woulf go with that. If his old friends are local he will still see them - my DS still sees his old friends, but now alos has new ones. School is not the only place to see friends!

Original poster

cremeeggs · 12/02/2009 20:47

Good point mrsGraham, though at the moment his school friends are all calling him a "toff" for even considering private options, but hopefully this won't last! Is your DS happy at his school?

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jujumaman · 12/02/2009 20:59

Go for the private if you can afford it, it's what he wants.

ChampagneDahling · 12/02/2009 21:20

Why don't you go and visit both of the schools again and then go with your gut instinct.

Sounds to me like you have already decided for the private but are worried about the money maybe...? If you can afford it and your son is the sensitive type I would go for the private - those big comps can swallow a sensitive chap up if you're not careful.

Do you have any more DC to follow on? 2 lots ++ of school fees can be a killer...?

Dottoressa · 12/02/2009 21:23

I think your DS has answered your question for you!

Original poster

cremeeggs · 12/02/2009 21:43

I think I am convinced!! Private option it is then - it is feasible financially (but always a worry in these uncertain times!). i don't want to look at the comp again tbh - it frightened and saddened me the first time - gets great results but it was a gloomy, soul-less place and I wouldn't like to be a pupil there. made me shudder but it is objectively a fabulous school (top in the county and one of top 6th forms in country)

DD is problematic as she's nowhere near as academic and there aren't any non-academic private schools around here.....

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MrsGrahamBell · 13/02/2009 08:34

CE - my DS now MUCH happier in an environment where he can be enthusiastic, like the other children and not be ashamed to want to learn and enjoy it - he would shrivel up and inwardly die in a 'too cool for school' environment. Good luck!

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