ds in yr 7 says he has no friends at school and no one likes him.

[bigdonna]

my ds is frequently off school with illnesses dont know if these are due to stress of school but he is a very bright boy who finds it hard to make and keep friends he has a very short fuse and is refusing to go back to school any advice i want to go into school and taslk to teachers my dh says it wont help.

he also says everyone says he is gay and no one likes him

he also says everyone says he is gay and no one likes him

I would ring the school and explain and see what they say. You don't have to tell your DS in the first instance.

Most schools have strategies for dealing with this and will probably be very helpful. It certainly won't do any harm.

Does he have any friends that come home to your house? Is he part of any social activities? Is this a surprise to you or do you feel he does struggle with friendships?
My point is if you are going in to the school you need to have a sense of what the problem is?
Are you worried he is isolated or are you worried he is being bullied

It will help. School will want to know the issues behind your son's poor attendance, and working together with you in tackling them.

Did he find making and keeping friends easy at primary school? Or has he always struggled?

Do you talk to him about how to interact with other students? If children don't 'automatically' learn how to get on with others, about politeness and showing an interest, and body language etc.; they can be overtly taught these things using various strategies. Generally with great success.

thanks for all your replies he has always had friendship problems ,we have always invited other kids back to play.i have already been in once to school about this but i think we need more i think he needs counciling for his mood swings and problems with other kids .

Do you actually sit down and talk to him about friendships and what to do? Before 'events' like first day back at school or a party discuss strategies with him.

We were very worried about ds1 when he was in primary school, because although he just soaked up 'knowledge' like a sponge, he was just clueless wrt social interactions.

We had some advice from ASD specialists (ds1 does not have ASD), and learned how to overtly teach ds1 acceptable social behaviours, being polite, body language, pretending to be interested even if you're not, not boasting or bragging, etc.

He's miles better now, is popular and has lots of friends (he's in yr7). But the social stuff doesn't come easily to him and he has had to learn it.

But I don't think you have to go to a professionals/counsellors, or at least you certainly don't need to wait for a referral to them. You can start today talking to him about how to make friends and keep them.

we have tried talking to him about making friends and keeping them his answer is how can he make friends if everyone hates him and tell him to go away.he has really bad mood swings and can come off to other kids as aggressive but hes soft really.he has suffered with migraines since sixyrs old.and now has been on movical for constipation since last october.most of the schools in merton are crap so may have to look in anothe rborough.i am waiting for school to ring so i can arrange a meeting.i am not going to take my ds with me.he is staying in his room today with no consoles or tv.he said he would rather sit in an empty room than go to school.alot of kids have left this school too!!!

Roisin sorry for hijack but can you expand a bit on how you taught those things? Your ds sounds a bit like mine but when I try to sit him down and explain why these things matter and how he could improve he just clams up or gets really frustrated.

A key thing is to talk about possible scenarios in advance, at a time when the child is calm and not tired and willing to co-operate.

This is an approach that we have used extensively with some considerable success. It is time-consuming, but we've found it very effective:

This approach was developed by Oden (1986) identifying the following high-utility social skills concepts:

Participation
getting started
getting involved
paying attention to the activity
trying to do your best

Cooperation
taking turns
sharing the game or materials
repairing problems through making suggestions
providing an alternative in the event of disagreement

Communication
talking with another person
saying things about the game or self
asking a question about the game or person
listening attentively when another person talks
looking at the other person to see how s/he's doing

Friendly-fun-nice
giving attention to the other person
saying something nice when the other person does well
smiling appropriately
having fun
offering help or suggestions
giving encouragement

In teaching these concepts, Oden recommends the following sequence:

Step 1: Suggest concept (eg cooperation).
Step 2: Probe child's knowledge of the concept and request examples.
Step 3: Repeat and rephrase child's appropriate examles, and disconfirm and redirect inappropriate examples.
Step 4: Probe child's understanding of counter-concepts and examples.
Step 5: Repeat and rephrase child's examples and clarify that these are (or are not) counter-examples of the concept.
Step 6: Probe child's understanding and reasoning of different social consequences of the social behavioural examples and the counter-examples for each concept, from both his/her perspective and that of the other child/person.
Step 7: Check to see if child remembers one or two examples for each conept. Review each concept and suggest examples which were not mentioned or remembered.
Step 8: Suggest that child try out some of the instructed concepts in a session to follow immediately (i.e. apply this coaching method prior to a party, or other social situation).
Step 9: Discuss the ideas after the social situation, and review how successful they were.

The mood swings might be down to nutrition. I'm sure you don't feed him loads of junk but some people are more sensitive than others to things like 'white' carbs, sugar, additives etc. Or it could be some sort of intolerance, which may also explain the migraines.

Can't really help with where to go from here, as my GP dismissed this idea when I had IBS (I nearly said he poo-poo'd it!) so I saw a kinesiologist, which was a bit wacky but her recommendations worked and I'm now symptom free.

I suppose I would suggest seeing your gp in the first instance - he or she might be more amenable to investigating possible intolerances than mine was.

Not to discount the other sensible advice about other strategies - I just think that a chemical imbalance in the brain can really affect behaviour and mood.

thanks for that,non toxic and roisin ,he was on migraine medication which i chose to take him off it as the side effects wew anxiety and depression,he suffered with both of these.i went in to school today they said he can have a shortened timetable and he will see the anger management team and still waiting for the councilor to call back.he is at present just on movical,but when younger i had to be really careful what he ate and drank as made him hyper.thanks for advice though