DS has broken a kids nose

[Astro2000]

My DS started secondary school in September. It's not a great school but the best of a bad bunch. DS has always been quiet, sensible, work motivated and not easily led so we thought he'd do well at more or less any school.

Anyway a few weeks after he started we found out a couple of lads were picking on him. Calling him a geek, nerd, 4 eyes, gayboy etc. DS is kind of used to this as he got it at primary school, he's confident and happy with himself so it wasn't a massive issue and he told me he did not want me "Going in to school and making it worse".

Anyway the school phoned me at 10am this morning to say that DS had been in a fight and had bust a kids nose and almost knocked him out. I was to go and collect him and see the head.
I went. DS has been suspended for two days, the other kid, the one that has been bothering DS since september is free to go back to class.

I was fuming and asked DS what had happened. DS said they were calling him the usual names, his friend (a girl) told him to ignore them as they were obviously jealous of him and the lads heard her and called her a fat piece of shit and went on at her and made her cry before flicking a ruler at her which hit her in the face. DS them turned around and punched the ring-leader in the face, busting his nose and knocking him to the floor.

He is NOT a violent kid, I've never known him be in a proper fight before but he has been doing karate for 3 years so can handle himself.

What do I do now? I still don't think it was fair that DS got 100% of the blame. I have not told him off for punching the kid either. But I don't want the school to label him as a thug because he isnt.

Call or write to the Head and put DS's side of the story. Obviously the school can't be seen to be condoning violence whatever the provocation, but hearing your side might help with whatever goes on his school record. And while you're calling/writing, ask for a copy of their Bullying Policy.

I think after this, regardless of your DS not wanting you to make a fuss, the school needs to be told about every bullying incident - then if anything like this ever happens again, there is at least a body of evidence which will help your DS's case.

The poor kid - I'm very sorry.

So sorry.

It does sound like a bit less one-sided than the school says it is but sadly your DS was the one who finally snapped .

I would ask to see the head. And put the other side. Gives you an oppurtunity to point out the problems your DS has been having.

This is the down-side of school bullying policies. My friend is a secondary school teacher and this is just what she complains about - there is very little lee-way to take into account the fact that a child "responds" after long provocation. It used to drive her nuts.
So, you must itemise and log incidents. And it is probably worth going in and asking about how this is going to reported on his school record, just in case it has an impact on any future applications to sixth form colleges, university, whatever.

great, glad your lad did the right thing. and i do believe it was the right thing entirely. i also believe that whilst you can say you do not think that violence is the solution in most circumstances, that in this particular case you believe he was in the right - i hope very much you tell him that.

i would want to appeal against the schools decision, i would want to know what procedure to take, who to contact and i would follow the procedure diligently.

i did have a similar thing happen - i remember complaining to the school that my ds had been suspended for a day adn the other kid got nothing. the other kid got a weeks worth of detention when i had finished ocmplaining, it was some years ago. but both dh and i were very vocal regarding the inequality.

I wouldn't be surprised if teachers are aware that the others involved are generally provocative and some will probably think that the other boy got exactly what was coming to him. Obviously they will not show you that this is what they think!

If your ds is generally well behaved and works hard, I think it is very unlikely that the teachers will see him as a thug

As others have recommended, I would ensure your ds alerts teaching staff to incidence of bullying when they occur.

If you're in Scotland, expect the police at your door.

Something similar happened to my DS2 not long after he started fifth year/Lower Sixth and the wee fucker sadly deprived child he hit went to the police to lay a complaint of assault. The whole family were well-known to the police, and not because they were frequently attacked themselves. No further action was taken btw, but they did turn up to interview my son.

This happens all too often doesen't it?

My son was bullied a couple of years back. Same thing really. The child came from a large family and he was the oldest. His mother was aggressive and he did have a tough time at home. If i went into complian, they would tell me how XXXX had it had at home and becomes aggressive at school.

Anyway one day they had the cheek to call me in because my son had hit this child. I couldn't belive it.

It makes me mAD.

I would tell the head your DS's side of the story and then let it go.

My DS, who last year was in year 7, last year punched a kid who had called him a racial slur. He got in trouble, but in talking to the head of year, they couldn't condone the violence and thus had to give him a consequence, but let us know that they really didn't blame him and were (in a silent way) happy that he would stand up for himself. DH and I never told him off for it either, but let him accept the consequences.

I agree with Custardo. Don't just leave it, especially if it may be entered on his school record.
And I think you should particularly emphasise the homophobic nature of the taunting. Point out that it went beyond the schoolground argot of gay meaning broke or rubbish. Ask them what policies they have in place for dealing with incidents of homphobia, regardless of any child's actual or potential sexuality.
Point out that it was prcisely the homphobic nature of their low-level violent and verbal assaults that caused your son to react in a manner that might be interpreted and codified as "masculine".

But all incidences of the name-calling etc need to be reported otherwise the school can't know the extent of it. Your ds needs to do this, especially if he doesn't want you to go in.

It will be interesting to see if the bullying continues after today.

My first reaction was well done your DS, but I suppose violence isn't the answer but it does sounds like they got what was coming to them.

Umm write to school or better still visit the head (if you can stay calm) and explain to HT that the bullying has been going on for a while.

DS will have to accept a "punishment" from the school but he doesnt need to be punished at home iyswim.

A friend of mine was called into school urgently because after much provocation, he'd used the eff word and POSSIBLY said something racist. The head, who is usually a reasonable man said to the mum (whom he knows and respects) that if he had actual evidence that her son had used a racist term it would go on his school record and the Education Authority would have to be informed. Apparently it IS the same if homophobic taunts are used!

Now, as she pointed out her son would only have heard (and learned!) the eff word at school as it certainly wasn't used at home and she also wanted to know how the school had disciplined these reporting boys when they constantly taunted HER son for being overweight!

The head did step down at this point, but, my advice to you, apart from saying I think you're handling this as well as a furious mum can, is to remain CALM in the face of school but to write to them (they can't ignore letters) informing them that the next time your DS is faced with homophobic bullying you will be going to the Education Authority yourself! Calmly spell out what's happened, why your son retaliated and basically tell them that if THIS is the way the school responds, the gloves are off!

eg

"I hope that you understand that I have tried to be a responsible parent in teaching my son that he will have to learn how to get on with all different sorts of people in life, good and bad, and that he cannot go running telling tales over each and every instance; however, on this occasion, it would appear to me that the school is punishing my son for defending a girl who was being verbally and physically abused by these bullying children. It is also my belief that the school is aware of the behaviour of these particular children.

Whilst I understand that it is unacceptable for a child to resort to violence, I think you would agree that there are extenuating circumstances in this instance.

Sadly, henceforth, I feel we have no option but to report each and every instance of bullying, verbal and physical that occurs to my son as this would appear to be the only way in which I can document the incidents that lead to children finally lashing out and defending themselves and other children who are being bullied in this way.'

etc.

Good luck.

I think your son is completely in the wrong and a 2-day suspension is quite in order, and he/you should take it on the chin.

Being able to 'handle himself' may have helped his street-cred, but hitting someone hard enough to break their nose and nearly knock them out is an extremely serious, very violent act.

If he'd hit him that hard and he'd fallen and hit his head particularly awkwardly that child could have died.

Irrespective of any provocation your son was wrong to react in the way he did, and needs to learn alternative ways of resolving conflict.

If my son had done this I would be horrified. I am shocked that you write "I have not told him off for punching the kid either".

I agree with Roisin.

Your issues over name calling are a separate issue, and they too need to be addressed.

However your ds was out of order, 2 days suspension is not OTT.

remember if this had happened on the street it would have been seen as assault. Telling the other kid to fuck off would have been resoonding in kind. Your son escalated the situation.

MB - I need you here urgently Before he goes to bed!

Totally agree with Roisin and MB. Totally agree with the two day suspension. It will remain "on record" but is unlikely to be mentioned on a college reference, if it is a one-off offence.

I'm sorry to hear about the bullying, of course and he must have been feeling miserable to have reacted in this way but by not telling him off for punching this child, you are condoning your son being violent.

Has the bullying been reported before now? because if not, it may look rather like an "excuse" now, in the school's eyes. It's therefore really important that any further bullying that takes place is communicated by you or your son and logged by the school. That way you will know how (or if) the school is dealing with things before they may again escalate to this level.

I would also complain to the head about the bullying, and ask for the true facts to be inserted in his file.

Good on him I say. Obviously violence is never the best answer but I bet they leave him alone from now on.

I think it's very rare for any child to react - violently or otherwise - without provocation, and often severe provocation.

But it doesn't make the violence acceptable or defensible. I am really very, very shocked and saddened by the number of people on here saying this is OK.

On reflection, I think roisin may well be right about the violence. In the long term, I'm sure you neither want your son to be a victim NOR someone who responds with violence.
I took the OP at her word that the response was out of character.
I think what I responded to was the report of long-term provocation. And the possible bluntness of the school's response.
Still, I stick by my original advice re. logging incidents and talking to the school.

You need insist that the school addresses the bullying. It is their duty.

But the truth is that a violent response is not acceptable in our society, and children have to learn that.

If I get bullied in my workplace, I have various means of redress. But punching the boss is not one of them, and if I do try that, I will be taken away by policemen.

A much better idea would have been to have contacted the school when the bullying started and to have logged every single incident. This is what children should be taught; that you don't take justice into your own hands, but you do get help.

What Custy said.

Astro - sounds like your son only used violence, finally, after months of provocation, in defence of someone else.

Please let the school know the full details of the incident and the months of bullying beforehand, if you haven't already.

I think that these boys are full of hormones and a kid can only take so much my ds2 (a very nice kid but who has no messing)has been suspended twice for hitting the same boy,the first time the boy had to go to hospital(jawbone and nose) not right nd i cant justify my son hurting him so much

However I can well understand how it happened this boy continually made lewd sexual comments about me and pushed at ds2 ....the comments the male head would not repeat to me and had to fone my dh who was disgusted (school revealed this because ds1 is at same school and is a strapping 5th year and they were concerned all hell would break loose)

I myself rang LEA and neither suspension is on file!!

At the minute all is calm becuse ive begged ds2 not to fight but this boy continues to say this stuff and school continue to allow it to go on - and I think (well i know the head of year told dh ds2 was 'cock of the walk)so ds2 has got himself this rep unfortunately.

It's very difficult at 11 or 12 to have an 'adult' response to name calling...and names hurt more long term than being thumped at school.

The suspension will give things a chance to calm down and for the situation not to escalate before next week.

My lad was also verbally harassed and lashed out in year 7, and whilst I wished he hadn't, as I told his form tutor, it was inappropriate but understandable. However, in my case I had complained to the school before about the individual in question, so there was no come back.

Hopefully the bullying will now stop; but if not, you must report every incidence. Whilst it was inappropriate for your lad to lash out, I can understand why (and I'm a teacher); I also think it's better than your lad becoming unhappy and refusing school which I have known to happen as well. I hope that the head is taking into account that the bullies also physically attacked the lass your son was defending, and that they will get a suspension as well.