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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

School problem . . . What would you do ?????

16 replies

lydle3 · 17/10/2008 19:49

Hi, I am looking for any opinions or experience with this problem :

My dd1 started secondary school in Sept, where i live there are two equally good schools next to each other (used to be boys and girls) When picking schools i said to DD1, you chose, i would prefer you to go to school B, as i went there, no other reason, liked both at open days, but your choice as you will have to go there.

So for all the best reasons i.e. better cafe, they have sheep and so on she chose school A. Fine with me, as i said both good.

It was a fair split in primary year, with friends going to both schools.

no good friend in her tutor, but seemed happy with it.

She couldnt WAIT to start, v v v v v excited.

Then after a week or so HATES it, hadnt made any friends, old friends not really bothering with her, spent lunch times and breaks wandering around on her own. I spoke to school, told her early days. Tried to encourage her to chat to people, join clubs etc.

School arranged for some twins in her tutor, who were also struggling to meet her at breaks, she was a tiny bit happier. They are now leaving, going back to private school, as havent settled. She is distraught.

All she wants is to move to other school. I have said no, you havent given it long enough.

She went on a trip for two nights to outward bound place, shared room with twins, i had high hopes she would make new friends - nothing, hates it as much.

She doesnt wander on her own at lunch now, goes to library and reads a book.

Anyway you get general idea, i have tried everything, stern, kind and sympathetic, all of it. Dont know what to do. She used to love school. Should also mention, she has v sick sister, v stressful at home, just want her to be happy, same as everyone at school.

She is shy in new situations.

Should i leave her there and tell her to get on with it ?????? Or should i consider moving her to other school ??? What would you do ???? sorry long !!

OP posts:
roisin · 17/10/2008 20:06

It is really tough, and you have my sympathies, but I would say she needs longer. If she is struggling to make new friends then the likelihood is she will struggle anywhere and it is always much harder going in somewhere mid-term or mid-year.

I would set a date for reviewing it and certainly not before Christmas. (Maybe phone the school and have a chat with Head of Year and ask his advice on this). And tell her firmly that is what you are doing: no discussions about it until that time. She needs to get on with it and make the best of it.

I work at a secondary and most children settle very quickly, but a significant minority really are still lost souls until later in the term. Usually what happens is the different lost souls manage to hook up with each other and form a little group.

Also in a big secondary school it is hard to find the 'quiet places' you can go at break times and lunchtimes. We have a 'base' where children can go who really struggle with the hurly burly of breaks (most SEN but not all). But also many of these quieter children in our school get 'jobs' helping staff during lunchtimes: working in the reprographics unit, or helping in the library, or just being a 'runner' for a senior member of staff. Usually this happens when they are a bit older - maybe yr8 or so.

allhippiesareevil · 17/10/2008 20:07

We have had a similar dilemma after having just moved house.

I chose the local primary as it would have been 40 mile round trip each day if we had stayed at old one.

We have had many highs and lows, tears, sleepless nights talking with dh, very nearly phoning old school on many occasions as their places were still available, I also hadn't anticipated that I would lose my old support network overnight that I had built up at the school gates.

After 6 weeks both children are now settling, slowly making friends and doing much better academically.

I've said the above as it may just get better for her, a week is a very short time to give the school a chance but on the other hand I would listen to your daughter, it really sounds like her heart isn't in it and she has made her mind up. Mine are much younger and everyone is different... I would be inclined to investigate whether there is a place and take it from there. If there is a place you don't have to jump straight away, maybe give the other school another week then make your decision together.

SqueakyPop · 17/10/2008 20:11

Don't they have clubs at lunchtimes? Is it really only library (a non-sociable activity) or nothing?

If she could do organised activities with other children, she will soon make friends.

Rubyrubyruby · 17/10/2008 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lydle3 · 17/10/2008 20:53

Hi Ruby

This is what i have been thinking, and will kids at other school say why have you moved here ??? why didnt you have friends there ??

What if she hates other school more.

BUT, do feel that i cant ignore her. She is confiding in me and very, very upset !! Life is soo complicated elsewhere, i always knew she was happy at school.

there are tons of clubs squeakpop, we have chatted about this, at primary she was in netball team, loved it, here she wont go, says she doesnt like netball anymore ??? I even said (crossly ) you HAVE to go once, before you say you dont like it. She just got upset. I even went on school website and we looked through the clubs, she just said no to them all. Then i got even crosser, and said right your not making enough effort, you need to give it 110% otherwise i dont want to discuss, and if you dont try clubs you arent giving it 110%, she got upset again.

I just dont understand it, i would say she is a normal girl of her age, quite developed, likes normal things, she goes tap dancing, gets on with girls there, and to stage school outside of school and again gets on with girls there.

What I will say is there are a few girls in her tutor, one in particular who has a v strong, dominant character, she tends to rule the tutor, and DD1 and her dont really get on. Did think about maybe moving tutors ??

When i spoke to pastorial manager (I know)she promised to sort it all, it was her job to make sure she settles, she didnt think moving would help. DD1 has been to see her a few times and she says keep trying to talk to other girls and come back Wed is the latest. I think I will phone again Monday, said i wouldnt leave it much longer, as dont want her to lose all confidence and self esteem before i do something.

OP posts:
smartiejake · 18/10/2008 01:36

I really feel for you. Year 7 is just crap for lots of kids. My DD moved to a small independent from her state junior school where she know no one. She is a very sociable child though and at first things went well. SHe was then bullied by one nasty girl in her year and then things went rapidly down hill. SHe was very unhappy for a while although the school dealt with the bullying very efficiently. I put her name down for the local school where quite a few of her junior school friends went but no places came up.

I am so glad they didn't as she went on holiday with her school and the girls she didn't get on with stayed behind and she made new friends.

SHe is now half a term into year 8 and just LOVES school. Lots of the mums on here persuaded me to make her stick with it for a bit longer and I am so glad I took their advice.

Half a term is just not long enough.I really would persuade her to join lots of clubs so she has the opportunity to make new friends and not just from her year group.

I know it's hard and you just want her to be happy but with some kids it takes them a while to find their niche.

BodenGroupie · 18/10/2008 18:26

I'd second what Smartiejake says. My daughter detested secondary school with a passion in first term of year 7, thought it was a bit better in second term and now loves it so much that if she's naughty we threaten to send her back to her old school (Enid Blyton style private prep which she adored) - soon sorts her out!

I know how difficult it is to watch your children being unhappy, but you almost have to be unsympathetic (well, appear to be) so that they know they just have to get on with it.

barking · 18/10/2008 18:40

There is an article about this in todays Times, have tried to find the link online but for some reason I can't find it.
The article is called: 'It's a good school, but will he fit in?' by Lisa Freedman
There was one child mentioned in the article that had been miserable for 2 years! The upshot of the article was to try and resolve problems with the school concerned, but that legally you have the right to change schools at any time of year if that school has a place available, if not you can appeal.

Rubyrubyruby · 18/10/2008 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ashantai · 18/10/2008 22:31

Glad i'm not alone with this. My daughter has had the same group of friends since nursery and they are all very sociable wheras my daughter is a lot more shy and only really comfortable around them.

I've noticed that they now mention new friends they have made and my daughter hasnt really made the effort to make any new ones. I worry that they will drop her for the new ones and she will end up on her own.

I know its early days and i'm being a little pfb but its just a little niggle in the back of my head and i've been trying to encourage her to try to be a little more pro active in engaging new friends.

barking · 18/10/2008 22:43

Rubyrubyruby - my linking skills ain't what they use to be. How did you find it? I tried the title and the author as I have the paper version right next to me.

MaireDubh · 20/11/2008 10:11

Similar problems with my daughter. Think it's still early days though. No guarantee of a place at a different school and no certainty that everything would be wonderful there. Am waiting till after end of term - if things still not great may get on waiting list for another school

cory · 22/11/2008 10:02

The real difficulty for you of course is knowing how much is a problem with this particular school (are there for instance any signs that she may be bullied, by pupils or teachers?) and how much is her: having a stressful time at home, being at a very difficult age, finding it difficult to cope with the transition to secondary etc.

My dd who is the same age is getting very teenager-like. She has been in tears for days because we have decided not to emigrate; she seems to feel that all the uncomfortable emotions she is experiencing would be left behind if we moved. I have a strong hunch that her problems are her's and they'd come with her. But it is very difficult.

funtime · 01/12/2008 15:45

Hi,reading previous posts I can see Im experiencing a similar problem.My daughter has just moved into yr 7 from a state junior to an independent senior school. A big and expensive decision! So far she hasn't settled. She had started to make friends but one more dominant girl had started to instigate friendship problems for my daughter and a couple of other girls and now she feels isolated. There are lots of cliques depending on which schools they came from and my daughter says she has tried to make new friends but they aren't interested.I have spoken to the school about how unhappy she is but didnt go into details ie naming, and they seemed concerned as had been noticed she was quiter than usual. However what can they do really? Im now worried that my daughter has lost confidence and probably isn't helping herself to make new friends. Fortunately she dances which keeps her busy outside school and is happy there. Its so difficult to know what to do, stick with it for a year but risk her self esteem if it doesnt work out and then move her to a school where friendships are already established OR look to move her nxt term but risk her taking the unresolved issues with her and perhaps not settle there either..old friends moved on etc?

mumblechum · 01/12/2008 15:50

Funtime, my ds was in a similar position for the first term of Yr7, and what solved the problem was my inviting loads (prob. about 10 altogether) of the boys in his class round, one a week, most invites being reciprocated, and eventually he made a circle of about 4 good friends.

He didn't actually want me to be phoning all these boys' mums up to invite them, but left to his own devices it would have taken ages for him to get into a clique.

He now has loads of friends and is v happy at school.

funtime · 01/12/2008 17:58

Thanks for the advice my daughter seems so negative at the moment.. worth a try!

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