Coping with GCSE year with DC needing a lot of support you're not good at giving

[Echobelly]

DS has ADHD, in Y10. Doing OK in sciences, psychology and drama, hopefully getting back on track with maths after a wobble, although still needs to learn to revise more effectively for theses. DH can help with sci and maths where I'm no use at all, I am trying with history and English and at the moment, he can't even sit a test in them bc the essay/creative writing is just too much. I have got an English tutor recently, but he can probably only do so much.

I feel awful and selfish because I just cannot face an entire year. I felt sorry for oldest DC having to lock down for Y11, but this time it feels like DH and I will have to be locked down into revision the whole year too.

I can't do consistency, I won't be able to revise 1:1 with him for hours like some parents seem to be noble enough to do. I don't know how to explain things that I was just able to easily do myself, and there is just so much stuff I don't remember or understand how they do it now, it's totally ovewhelming and I'm worry that if I try he'll just pick up on my despair at it.

Are there any parents out there who are totally unsuited to this but managed somehow in Y11? I'm not asking for him to get top grades, just enough to get onto the next stage somewhere and this rate he won't have many choices.

I could have written your post a few years back. Honest advice? Yes he will pick up on your despair. Simply because he will be stressed himself and sensitive to the energy around him. So try and relax as much as you can. Not easy I know.

Secondly, it's not your exams so why on earth do you feel the need to know the entire curriculum?! Get him tutors where needed, nourish him with good food/snacks, listen to him if and when he needs to vent and that's it. Keeping his wellbeing in mind is your responsibility, doing his best in the exams is your son's.

The good news is he is in year 10 and not currently sitting them.

Advice on the internet is free so find something that makes sense to him. Youtube is great for English. Try either Mr Bruff or my personal favourite Mr Salles, make sure of the exam boards the school use, probably AQA but double check.

The narrative he will be expected to write, he can look ahead and have things prepared, not a story as that would be impossible but descriptive words for weather or places like a school playground, the woods, a back garden. Google good ways to describe a sunny day, in primary we call it magpie, you take the words you want. You could help with that.

History, if he is AQA then Gerard O'Toole on Youtube is great, lots of silly hats to help with memory, mine did a different exam board and I just watched him for fun because I love History.

The school also provided mine with WAGOLLs (what a good one looks like) that highlighted the AOs in different colours (assessment objectives, both English and History have these) firstly they will be in his school book, also the revision guides and helpfully on past paper mark schemes.

All these past papers are online, for all subjects. As an adult it is much easier for you to figure out what he needs to do. It literally lists out what answers they are looking for under each AO. Help walk him through an English paper, both lang and lit and look at the first question, then the answer. Next question, next answer. Don't do the whole thing first.

This isn't about hours of 1:1, this is teaching him the tools to know what gets you marks. Sadly, this is important. You don't need to know everything yourself. Depending on what fiction he is studying for English, find the film/play on youtube. The revision guides walk them through it.

He also has a whole 6 weeks of this summer to work on things. He will be awake for over 12 hours, committing to doing some work broken up over the day will help him tremendously. Reward him for his efforts, not his grades but if he gets back on track with maths he will never have to sit the exam again, that is usually a good motivator.

I feel sorry for him as its basically non stop exams from now. He'll have to retake the essay subjects he couldn't do this time at the start of term.

He's only got 3 and a bit weeks to study in hols- at residential camp for 2 weeks, so not much chance to study then. We have week and a half of holiday at other end when he'll provide have to take some revision with.

It's tough! Our oldest two (my DSC) have very different temperaments. The oldest breezed through exams while the next has ADHD and has a thinking/learning style that neither DH or I really seem to mesh with when it comes to explaining subject matter. Last year they were sitting A levels and GCSEs respectively and trying to figure out how to support no. 2 was stressful.

I ended up deciding to focus on helping with providing structure and executive function support - I have ADHD as well so I'm actually better at thinking through these tools than their naturally organized father. We figured out a manageable study schedule, worked out what sort of setup helped him most, and did parallel study sessions (I would work or read) where we'd set out a task list and break plan and help each other stick to it. I shared things that worked for me (ex. mini rewards like finish a page, eat a chocolate button, sandwiching most-dreaded tasks between two easy ones) and things I've learned don't (ex. studying in my bedroom or anywhere near a tv, trying to do a bunch of short sessions spread throughout the day). We did exam-conditions (no music, no devices, no food, no alternative seating) practice together too, with open acknowledgement that it's absolute rubbish but unfortunately necessary. DH and I generally left the subject-material help to his teachers and tutors; if he got stuck or had questions we encouraged him to take a stab at it and write down his question in a designated place, then move on to something else.

Everyone survived relatively untraumatized.

Can you afford to buy all the revision books/study guides/exercise books etc.? Would they work for him? Can he memorise stuff easily? Does he learn better by reading something, listening to it, watching it, writing it?

Depending on his preferred method, there normally is something out there (books, youtube vids, even tiktoks that can help).

Hey @Echobelly don’t feel bad about this.

It may seem from threads and chats on Mn and elsewhere that parents are endlessly sitting by their DC and revising with them, but I suspect that this is not the case. And in any case it is not needed.

For my DC I offered snacks, stationery, a space to work and any help they wanted – like, sitting with them and test them on history facts from flashcards if asked, or going for a walk and talking about this maths past paper.

What I am saying is, find a way to support, for sure, but the work needs to be your DS’s. You don’t need to be sitting for hours with him, and I genuinely cannot imagine many parents do that.

Yes, for the core subjects it’s best if he gets a grade 4+ and if that’s looking unlikely. Ask him how you can best help. Look at resources to help (there are lots) but really as @RobertBobsee says, you do not need to know the curriculum. Plenty of time still to work on exam technique and look at past papers to see what sorts of things will get him marks – that’s more important than anything tbh.

If he is struggling with some subjects, is it worth negotiating with school to drop some, or go to the lessons but not sit the exam? No one needs a GCSE in history if they are not planning to take it further, and it sounds as tho it may be too much of a challenge for him. He needs maths, English, science as the core ones so I would help him focus on those as far as possible.

Thanks. I know most people, even with kids with challenges, don't dedicate themselves up revision support. Doesn't stop me feeling a bit bad about not knowing how to help.

I'm trying out some revision websites for him but none of them is that intuitive but maybe it will help if we properly sit down and go through the most straightforward-seeming ones.

I'd really like to be able to track what he's doing somehow so we can motivate him somehow by rewarding effort.

Very very few parents are capable of sitting either their dc to do 1:1 revision and frankly even fewer want to. It’s not fun.

he’s presumably done or will do end of year 10 exams which will spit out the grade he got and the grade they hope he will get in year 11.

your focus then is to look at where he is compared to where he wants to be.

the first priority is usually passing English and maths because he’ll need to resit them if he doesn’t pass. Beyond that you (and he) really need to prioritise - what does he want to do after GCSEs and which GCSEs does he need for it?

no point spending ages working on French if he wants to do btec sport.

An app like Seneca maybe ?

Fortunately the school took him off French, as he was struggling. Put him on a Travel & Tourism Btech that he hasn't really taken to, but not too bothered about that. We've agreed English Lit is a low priority, maybe History will have to be added to that too.

At the moment he will have 0 in Lit, Language and History because he just can't start writing. 😥It's a shame as he's so good at Drama, he might even possibly manage a 7 on a good day, but I can't see him getting over a 4 in English Language, and I think he'd need a 5 minimum to study drama further. He's up for it at post 16+ although he's really interested in an animal-related Btech at Capel Manor, which fortunately won't need high grades, but he'd probably have to retake Eng Lang anyway, which he can do there.

School has Seneca - but as I said, science is actually OK, I think he'll manage a 5/5.

If you subscribe for it yourself, you can access other subjects, including English language and Lit and the exam board.

OP, I really feel for you. I know it’s not even slightly comparable, but my Year 7 DD who has ADHD and severe dyslexia is a nightmare when it comes to homework and revision and I’m already feeling so worried about GCSEs (we have family friends going through it, hence why it’s on my radar despite it being years away).

Her homework feels like my homework because if I didn’t initiate it, it just wouldn’t get done. She has end of year exams she needs to revise for and I’m struggling so much with getting her to focus; it’s a terrifying glimpse into the future.

Well done for being supportive and the fact you’re even posting shows how much you care.

Can you talk to the school about access arrangements? Would he be able to articulate what he wants to say via a scribe? Or can he not see how to start at all?

I am surprised that so much home input is becoming the norm. Where is the schools role in this? Are they supporting him properly?
This all seems a huge burden on both patents and child.
I do not think you need to feel that you should have expertise in either the subjects or teaching techniques, or tgat you are not good at supporting him. You are not a teacher, you are his mum.
He is probably fed up to the eyeballs of it all and needs you to just be his mum, which I am sure you are very good at! Feed him, hug him, chat to him, find nice things for him to do .... he can only take so much learning and needs to be able to chill with your blessing. Hope he enjoys his camp ... he must leave his work behind.

They've done that - he will have extra time, use a laptop, ability to take time out and they have offered text to speech, but he's not keen on it and at the moment, starting is still a problem.

@Mischance - I don't think it's the norm for parents to support but it's so much more memorising and many more papers than when we were kids that I think it's a lot for kids with SEN or even ones who are just young in the year. DS is August born, so he won't even be 16 when he finishes. And I think some kids, especially boys, just aren't ready for this much learning responsibility at this age. I was sceptical about keeping kids in education until 18 but I do see now that the system is quite good in that there are options to 'level up' for kids who might not have been ready for GCSEs

I'm glad he has camp so he gets a break, yes!

My AC give have a great deal of input into their children's homework and study ...far far more than I ever did. I just said "Have you got homework? - might be a good idea to do it now" and left them to get on with it. Answered questions if they came down and asked, but otherwise that was it.

I am conscious that everyone seems much more stressed about GCSEs now and that parents seem to take on a great deal. It is very burdensome on family life.

If your son is needing this level of input from home then I wonder if you need to be talking to the school - which you may already have done of course. I can't help wondering if he simply is not ready for GCSEs yet. If he has some SEN plus being an August child then they may simply be asking more of him than he has to give which is really tough on him.

I hope he has a lovely camp!

With adhd the problem with whole essentials is the executive function.

Mu ds has ASD and severe problems with executive function and English was his nemesis!

What helped him was his 1:1 (he had an echp) spent time teaching him the skills rather than the actual content.

Look at meteacognative learning skills.
also look at using mind maps.

My Ds got the foolscrapnfolders and opened them up. He was told to table each partition as a theme - eg characters. Then just focus on 1 character. Write some notes about that character. He eventually slowly built information about lots of things so when he was asked to write an essay on “X” he had been given the skills to break it down. Basically he was taught rote learning how to write an essay and substitute the information for the relevant info.

Would this work for your DS? I think what helped with my ds was he has a photographic memory and echolaic way of learning (he has a lot of gestalt language learning traits).

But whether that specific advice works or not the premise is the same. Find his learning style and rote teach how to respond to questions.

Oh and my ds is also August born so I feel your pain!

Mum of 2 ADHD children, they did their own revision, they need to have the skills in order to succeed in life, doing everything with them sets them up to fail.

I would really recommend Save My Exams. It’s amazing. Are you getting the papers back from the subjects he’s doing?

Why don’t you get into a routine where you do 20min together every evening of a different subject. Teenagers are normally good in the eve and it’s lovely bonding time spending that dedicated time together each day. GCSEs are interesting if you approach them with that mindset. 20 min a day will get them a massive headstart too

Sounds stressful. I am not in the UK but is there any sort of exam/ study coach that can help him to identify the approach that works best for him, and help him to put a timetable in place?
I have 2 ND teens, both very stubborn and resistant to offers of parental help. Oldest is finishing school this year and I wish I had insisted on a bit more outside support. He has a tutor for one subject and we signed up to a good study skills website but otherwise he is doing it himself.
Younger one is not doing exams this year, thankfully as he is struggling to attend school. I have come across a study coach that I hope to use when he (hopefully) is able to engage a bit more with his education.
All you can do is put support in place, try to help figure out what works for them.
Many kids will not want their parent sitting with them for hours, and many parents will not have the time or skills to do this properly.

He's got that, we're just starting to explore it and it seems pretty good. Want to look into quizlets as well.

@Skybluepinky - obviously, yes, don't want to do everything for him and he wouldn't want that either! But even the effort to scaffold like he needs feels like a lot. I'm trying to do things like but him folders for subjects and plan to get a 7 day planner whiteboard so he can use that next year and subsequently.

I helped DC with the ‘fact heavy’ subjects - history, biology, literature quotes etc. It was just me sitting on their floor going over and over stuff until it stuck. Very boring .. but it did go in. DC was of the opinion that regardless of exam techniques (which are very important of course), if you don’t know the facts you can’t write anything. We had post-it notes everywhere too with facts, formulae, words etc - on the fridge, cupboard doors etc. There was no skill involved on my part, just determination.

DS15 was in the same boat last year! He got Us for some of his Mocks.... But in true ADHD style (for him at least) the arrival of the actual GCSEs finally gave him the urgency he needed and he has worked his socks off for the last month, getting 9s and 8s in his past papers . He has found the Free Science Guy online who is brilliant (we bought all the workbooks which he loves) also Mr Everything English. Maths is his forte and DH has been helping but I'm sure there is someone online for that too. Lots of revision apps available like Seneca. DS has just started medication which also helps, and we've given him a cash incentive - £90 for a 9, £80 for an 8 etc.