How to deal with a stupid *rse of a headteacher

[Freckle]

DS1 started secondary school last September. He has rather long hair which is tied back neatly for school. Virtually since day 1 he has been the target for nasty comments and physical bullying because of his hair. I have been in constant contact with the head of Y7 about it, but nothing ever seems to be achieved from meetings, emails, etc.

DS2 has changed from a bright, bubbly boy eager to go to school and get involved, to one who often refuses to go (requiring me to actually walk him there) and says that he hates school.

The headteacher is also DS2's history teacher so we got to speak to him at parent/teacher consultations. When we explained that DS2 doesn't enjoy coming to school, he was all concerned and wanted to know why. When we explained that it was because of all the bullying about his hair, his reply was "Oh there's a simple answer to that. Get his hair cut." I won't repeat my response to that.

So the shit finally hit the fan yesterday when DS2 lost the plot and attacked a boy who has bullied him from the beginning, resulting in 6 other boys attacking DS2 to the point where he ran out of school and came home. We now have to deal with the fall-out. I know that the head's smug attitude will be that, if DS2 cut his hair, there wouldn't be a problem, so what advice do any of you wise ladies have for how I should deal with this - because, left to my own devices, I may well end up thumping him myself.

I do feel for you as I know what it is like to be in your situation DS1 is bullied (he has tourettes and so stands out).

I do think it is unfair to say your child should conform to the "norm", although I wish it were something as simple as a hair cut for DS1. However I think even if your son shaved his head now the damage is done.
The school needs to deal with the bullys not the fact your son wants to have a hair style that they do not like.
Ask for a meeting with the head, the year head and the parents of the trouble makers.

If all else fails try the local paper...bit of name and shame.

I am really sorry he is being bullied, and obviously the bullying needs to be tackled, hard, so you should probably ask for a copy of the school's bullying policy and write asking for it to be carried out. But I have to admit, I would also suggest he got his hair cut.

i would refuse to discuss the issue of his hair at all, that isnt the point. tackle it like any bullying situation, ask for the names and addresses of governers and lea to complain to at the beginning of the meeting so he knows you mean business. i would not send my son to school til it is sorted. he should not have to cut his hair, but he has to realise that he will always get comments if he chooses not to. comments are not the same as bullying tho.

I think it is highly unlikely that your DS is being bullied because of his hair - that is far too simplistic, I feel.

I think the hair thing might be a red herring - it is possibly being different that is attracting the bullies - is it just his hair that makes him stand out from the crowd?

I think you need to look beyond the hair thing before speaking to the Head, otherwise you run the risk of getting an overly simplistic response.

The bullying has to stop and getting rid of DS's hair won't make a blind bit of a difference - that is the message that you need to get over to the head.

agree with kimi. also about asking for their bullying policy. presumably your DSs' feel strongly that they want to keep their long hair?

I think DS2 now feels very strongly that he will not cut his hair. He absolutely refuses to be bullied into changing something which is a personal choice for him and which does not affect anyone else in any way.

There are other boys in the school with long hair (it's an all-boys school), but they are almost exclusively in the higher years. It's almost as though the bullies are affronted that a new Y7 boy should dare to be different. Certainly his hair makes him stand out and that will attract the attention of boys who are looking for someone to bully. I have told him that being different means that he will attract both negative and positive attention and he needs to be prepared for that.

Neither he nor I feel that the message he takes away from this is, if someone doesn't like something about you and attacks you because of that, that you the victim should change. Surely what should be happening is that the behaviour of the bullies is addressed, not place the burden of resolving the matter on the shoulders of the victim.

I wonder what would happen if a girl was being bullied for having short hair. Would people say that she should grow it longer?

I think that saying ds should have his hair cut is basically making out that he is responsible for the actions of the bullies. If he wants to keep his hair long then personally I would back him all the way.

The issue should be the bullying, not the hair. What, for example, would be the Head's response if the boy being bullied for having long hair was a Sikh?

You could ask the Head whether he would respond the same if your DS was being bullied about his religion, or his accent, or any other issue which he could in theory "change" to conform to the bullies requirements.

Bullying is bullying, whatever the justification (I won't dignify it by calling it a "reason") and the school should have systems in place for dealing with it, which they should be using.

I agree that there will always be comments about anything which causes an individual to stand out, and your DS will have to develop strategies to cope with that or ignore it, but that is not the same as being expected to accept bullying.

Freckle - do you have the school's anti-bullying policy? That's the first thing to do - get a copy from the school office. And make sure school are sticking to it. Your boy should absolutely not have to get his hair cut to appease the bullies. That's a lazy responses from the school.

It needs dealing with - being attacked by 6 boys is appalling. Have they been dealt with?

The attack only happened yesterday and I suspect the boys involved will insist that they were protecting the original bully as DS2 did attack first. However, it doesn't take 6 boys to protect one other, and there was another boy there who was getting very distressed and trying to make the boys stop.

According to the deputy head they are taking statements from the boys, although when DH called today to speak to someone, both the head and deputy head are not in school all day and the head of Y7 is teaching all day. We are currently trying to get hold of the head of lower school.

DS2 knows he was wrong to attack the other boy, but this has been the culmination of a whole year of nastiness - much of it unresolvable because it has involved boys from higher up the school who DS2 can't identify. The boys in his class that he can identify don't appear to have taken any notice of talks from the form tutor - mind you, I did hear the form tutor describe DS2 to another mother as "the boy with the extreme hairstyle", so perhaps whatever he said wasn't said with much conviction.

DH and I have been trying to speak to someone in authority all morning.

The head is out at a meeting; the deputy head and head of lower school are both out at a separate meeting; the head of Y7 is teaching and may have after-school activities which will prevent him from speaking to us.

Do you not think that a school, where a Y7 pupil has fled in deep distress and tears, would make some sort of effort to resolve the issue as quickly as possible? After all, DS2 now has the weekend to brood about this and I'm very concerned about trying to get him back into school on Monday.

I would have expected someone to call you TBH Freckle, rather than you doing all the running. They are obviously aware of the incident especially if they are 'taking statements'. Did he leave during school time - has he not gone in today?

He called me on his way home at 2pm yesterday. The school did contact me at that time but merely to confirm that he was safe and at home. The head of Y7 said that they are a member of staff short so he has been covering other lessons, but really I would have expected the school to be a little more proactive. DS2 is home today but I have arranged a meeting with the head of Y7 and head of lower school for first thing on Monday morning.

Thing is the school as an excellent reputation for pastoral care - it was one of the reasons we chose it because DS1 had been bullied at primary school. I suspect that there is more to it than what DS2 has told me. Apparently he had a mentoring session with his form tutor on Monday at which he was asked how the name calling, etc, was going andhe said it was fine. Sigh.

I've already checked the school's website and the anti-bullying policy is not featured on there.