Year 8 son, suspected ADHD/ODD, 3-year wait for assessment. He refused his first detention today — advice please.

[SweatyLama]

Hi everyone, I need some help with my Year 8 son. He has ADHD and has been on the specialist waiting list for over 3 years. The school is aware of his needs, although we don't have a formal diagnosis yet.
Last Friday, he was given his first-ever detention for lateness, scheduled for today (Monday). Last year, I managed to help him get to school on time, but this year he has started reacting aggressively to my help. Any reminders to get up, finish breakfast, or stop "staring into space" result in him shouting, calling names, and remaining in a trance-like state. This led to his 10th late arrival of the year, and I received a message that he had to attend a 30-minute detention today.
When I told him, he reacted extremely negatively. He said he wouldn’t go and said that he wished he could do bad things to the people who issued the detention. He has now come home and admitted that, as promised, he did not go to the detention.
He is currently very upset and crying, but still refuses to attend any makeup detention. I suspect his ADHD is complicated by ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), even though he’s had a clean behaviour record for all 8 years of school until now.
Which tactic should I choose?
Be my son’s "advocate": ask the school to cancel the punishment and provide support, considering these issues aren't his fault but a result of the lack of medical help?
Support my son in his decision not to go?
Are there any other options?
My arguments that it’s easier to just sit through the 30 minutes and try not to be late in the future are completely rejected. What would you do in my position?

Dear [Head of Year/SENCo/Teacher’s Name],
I’m writing regarding the detention issued to [Child’s Name] for lateness.
I completely understand the school’s behaviour policy and the importance of consistency. However, I wanted to share some context, as [Child’s Name] is currently on a long waiting list for an ADHD assessment, and the school is aware that he experiences significant difficulties with attention, time management, and transitions—particularly in the mornings.
Recently, mornings have become increasingly challenging. He can become overwhelmed and “freeze,” and repeated prompts often escalate him into a highly distressed state. This has led to a pattern of lateness which is not intentional defiance, but linked to these underlying difficulties.
When informed about the detention, he became extremely upset and dysregulated, and was unable to attend. This is very out of character given his previously positive behaviour record.
I am not asking for the consequence to be removed, but I would really appreciate some flexibility in how it is implemented so that he can successfully complete it. For example:

• A quieter or more supported setting
• Advance notice and clear expectations to reduce anxiety
• Pastoral support if needed

I would also welcome the opportunity to work with the school on strategies to better support him with punctuality, so that this does not become an ongoing issue. Thank you for your understanding and support. I’m keen to work collaboratively to ensure [Child’s Name] can meet expectations with the right support in place. Kind regards, [Your Name]

‘these issues aren't his fault but a result of the lack of medical help’

Everyone needs to play by the rules and turn up, love. It’s annoying, but there you are.

You’re not doing your son a favour prioritising a potential ND over an education.

Sadly, if he does have ADHD, he needs more school/adult input, not less.

Half an hour off his phone won’t kill him.

My first reply was a response to your initial post. This is a relatively common occurrence believe it or not so the template letter may be helpful to others in a similar situation . In response to your later update I’d perhaps advise that It sounds like things have actually moved in a really positive direction for you, even if it doesn’t feel like it yet.

The fact the school has already recognised his needs without a diagnosis and removed late detentions is a big win. A lot of parents have to fight much harder just to get that level of understanding.

It also sounds like they’re trying to do the right thing by asking for your input, even if it feels a bit like “shouldn’t you be telling me what works?”

From what you’ve described, this doesn’t sound like defiance in the typical sense. The “freezing”, staring into space, and escalating when prompted are very common with ADHD-type executive functioning difficulties. It’s not that he won’t do it, it’s that in that moment he genuinely can’t get started, and the more pressure he feels, the worse it gets.

In terms of the questionnaire, I’d keep it simple and focus on:

What actually happens in the mornings (freezing, slow to start, overwhelmed by prompts)What makes it worse (repeated instructions, time pressure, feeling pushed) awhat helps (low demand, calm approach, predictability)

And then suggest practical things like a softer start if he arrives late, avoiding public sanctions, and having a calm check-in rather than consequences straight away.

On DLA – yes, you can apply without a diagnosis. It’s based on the extra support he needs compared to other children his age, not the label. If mornings are taking significantly more input from you than they would for other Year 8s, that’s relevant.

I also think you’re right about school placement. If he’s doing well academically and this is mainly around executive function and mornings, then mainstream with the right support is absolutely the right place.

The waiting list situation in Wales is incredibly frustrating. The only things that sometimes help are chasing the neurodevelopmental team directly, asking about cancellation lists, and getting the school to back it up in writing – but unfortunately a lot of it is still just waiting.

You’re clearly advocating really well for him, and the fact he’s had 8 good years at school says a lot. This feels much more like a support/understanding issue than a “behaviour problem”.

You’re definitely not alone in this – lots of parents hit this stage around early teens when demands increase and coping strategies start to wobble. There are lots of parents with ND children on this forum who can provide real support and practical advice as they have experience of parenting ND children. My impression from some small interactions on something I posted myself is that they will be very happy to help and be supportive.

Why would you expect school to be giving you strategies? They aren't medics or diagnosers. Schools place is to educate. Schools provide reasonable adjustments based on need, but they aren't there to parent.

Yes, but what they already have set up to help others is part of the conversation surely, rather than every parent trying to re-invent the wheel. Which they mostly do by going and googling what adjustments other people have found to have helped at other schools.

OP has arranged to discuss with the right person, it sounds, so hopefully together they can find a way forward. In practice a lot of this stuff is managed tactically, at least to start with.

@Luxlumos
Thank you so much for sharing your experience — it really gives me hope that my son will outgrow this phase too.
Our school is only a 15-minute walk away, and I don't have a car, so unless I carry him on my back, I can't really drive him! 😂
I’m so relieved they’ve cancelled the late detentions. The extra stress from those punishments only creates more 'paralysis,' leading to even more lateness. At home, we all support him in the mornings; I still lay out his clothes in the order he needs to put them on, although this year he’s actually started managing that part himself. The same goes for his school bag — he packs it every evening now, sometimes without even being reminded. Last year, we always had to do that together.
Thank you all for the support. I truly needed it today.

@MJHLondon
Thank you so much for the structured advice and support.
I really appreciate your kind words about me being a good advocate for my son. He was actually very lucky in primary school; the support he received from his teachers and TAs was incredible. You could see how effective they were just by looking at his work: at the start of the year, he’d only manage to complete about 20% of a task, but by the end, he was successfully finishing even the bonus assignments for those who finish early.
Secondary school is a completely different world, of course. Not all teachers are as patient or willing to adapt. For example, once when he realised he was running late, he skipped his first Geography lesson entirely because he was so terrified of the teacher’s reaction.
I will definitely use your framework to fill out the questionnaire. It only has three questions:

1. What do you and others like and admire about your child?
2. What in your opinion is important to your child?
3. What kind of support and provision does your child need to learn well at school?

The points you mentioned about what helps him are spot on. Thank you again!

I appreciate the perspective. I’m still learning how the system works here, so I’m trying to understand the boundaries. My understanding was that the ALN (Additional Learning Needs) department’s role is to help bridge the gap when a child has barriers to learning, like executive dysfunction. If the school is asking me for strategies in their questionnaire, I assume it’s a collaborative process to find what works best in a classroom setting. I'm just looking for the best way to support his education

The right person I asked for a meeting or a call has only sent me the questionnaire so far.
At this stage, I’m not sure if I should insist on a proper meeting to discuss my son's difficulties in person, or if my detailed written answers will be enough for them to start taking action. What has been your experience with this — is it better to push for a face-to-face chat or wait until they’ve read my responses?

@SweatyLama I honestly don't know. My own experience is that relationship building has been an important part of the puzzle so I would say do it their way to start with. Being forceful is an important part of a SEN parent's toolkit but I'm not sure I would lead with it.

A meeting can be an efficient way to move forward - a meeting with an assistant SENCo was a turning point for us - but it might not have been so effective if we'd got to the meeting by refusing to fill in their paperwork and insisting on dragging her to a face to face meeting instead IYSWIM. SENCos are insanely busy people firefighting a lot of the time, and generally they do the job because their care about the kids.I think it helps to be cooperative where possible. Treat their time with respect. But if it becomes apparent that the form is just a time waster and nothing comes from it, then by all means get pushier.

It does also help to know the law and your child's rights and to convey that you know it. IPSEA is a good source on this especially around EHCPs.

When we have face to face meetings we try to write it up and email notes that evening. It is generally appreciated for saving them the job, and means we can ensure our main points get recorded.

Are you able to go down the right to choose pathway for a quicker assessment? My year 10 son was referred by our gp last week and I got forms and questionnaires emailed from our chosen clinic this morning. 12 week wait to be assessed. My DH has just been diagnosed with AuDHD after a 3 year wait with the NHS. Always been suspicious with our eldest but after having therapy, my DH noticed traits in our son and we started the ball rolling with school at the end of December so we could attempt to get support in place for his GCSEs. School assessments have been hard for him to fully complete despite being very capable and he had a meltdown at home over a supply teacher with a lisp and ended up hyper focusing and not being able to understand her. He was flying in geography and now he’s struggling to get back to where he was. He is unable to cope during school holidays. Puberty has made this so much more visible and we noticed a huge change, especially now the pressure is being applied at school. The change within just a year has been nothing short of shocking to be honest. The longest part so far has been getting in to see a gp with a month wait! See if you can go onto the right to choose pathway to get sorted.

Great piece of advice about IPSEA.

IPSEA focus on English SEN law. OP is in Wales, so should look at SNAPCymru instead.

Your input is important, but if the school doesn’t know how to support DS, they should be involving outside agencies.

I would push for a meeting. Then follow it up with an email so you have a paper trail as evidence should you require it.

@BooBooDoodle
Thank you for the advice. Yes, I’ve looked into the 'Right to Choose' scheme, but unfortunately, it isn't available here in Wales.
However, I’m planning to try another way to speed things up. My son has started having outbursts of aggression at home, and I'm going to report this to the GP. I'm concerned that these episodes are becoming a risk to us and his younger brother. If that doesn't help, we will have to find the funds somehow and go to a private clinic.

@Miskast Yes, absolutely. My first step will be to fill out the questionnaire as they've asked

ah thanks I missed that

@ChasingMoreSleep A friend actually recommended SNAP Cymru to me a year ago. A representative from the organisation even visited her son’s school to give advice to parents. I looked into it then, though I can't quite remember if I found anything specific at the time.
I also have mixed feelings about giving my own 'input'. It feels strange to be giving teachers advice on how they should interact with my son. In primary school, it was the other way around: they brought in a specialist who provided recommendations for both us and the teachers.
I previously mentioned that he doesn't have issues with academic performance, but that’s not entirely accurate. While he’s good at tests and structured tasks, open-ended writing assignments lead to a total 'freeze'. He gives up before even starting. At home, it takes me days of encouraging him just to sit down and begin. But once he finally starts and manages to write a couple of sentences with my help, he 'unblocks' and finishes the rest on his own.
Honestly, I have no idea how teachers are supposed to solve this problem in a busy classroom environment