Boy Friendships in year 7

[YourTealTiger]

My DS started secondary in sept and was placed in a form with his longstanding fried from primary
He reports talking to lots of people and may move between a few groups but seems to have struggled to make any deeper friendships
His primary mate has developed what seems to be quite an intense friendship with another boy, and to a lesser extent his friends. On the surface my DS and him are still mates but its like the friendships are very separate with a lack of mixing which is contrary to what ive assumed of male friendships. There’s been several times where DS has tried to meet up with his primary mate but he’s clearly stated he’s doing something with his other friends. DS struggles with this as if it was the other way round he would say come along
I just feel really sorry for him and I’m worried that these new friendships will be set in stone and will be left increasingly alone
he’s not great on his phone which I think doesn’t help but when he makes approaches he gets little back
Not sure what I’m wanting but any thoughts advice or experience welcome

Hi, I have no experience of this myself, but I read your post earlier and since no one has responded yet I just wanted to say that I am really sorry your child seems to be struggling a bit with making friends at the moment.

I know it is hard to witness this. Have you considered inviting other children for play dates and making a conscious effort to socialise and help broaden their circle of friendships? It is always difficult at this age with friendship dynamics.

One thing I encouraged my own child to do when going through something similar in primary school was to keep making new friends while also staying close to the ones who already mattered. I went out of my way with movie tickets, museum days out and fun activities to help build friendships around them. It worked well.

Now that my child is moving to secondary school, there is a good chance one of their best friends will also attend the same school. At the back of my mind, though, I sometimes wonder whether that could bring more uncertainty than reassurance, in the sense that this friend might choose to explore new friendships instead.
Your son will find his crowd, I wish him all the best!

Hello, sounds like a stressful situation for you all. I'm sorry, my DS is only in Y6 so I can't advise on the dynamics side of things, but I wondered if your DS has joined many clubs? Hopefully following his passions will lead him to some like-minded people he can make friends with?

It is almost easier if (like my DD) your DC goes to secondary knowing nobody!

Transitioning to secondary is a big thing and it seems to be quite common for old friendships to wane and new ones to be formed as the pool gets much larger. I do feel for your DS as he clearly wants to retain the old friendship more than his primary school friend who has 'moved on.'

I agree with the previous advice to keep existing friendships open but also to try new things which will help them to find a new tribe. It can take the whole of Y7 and beyond, unfortunately, to really find your people. I would say that it was only in Y9 that my DD really found hers.

Keep up with the extra-curricular activities and support those out-of-school friendships so there is a balance for when things are tricky/lonely in school.

I think there is a tendency in Year 7 to stick with friends you knew already or the people you got to know early, out of desire to have "someone". Also, out of school socialising can be minimum as they are too old for "play dates" but may not yet be mature enough to organise their own gatherings, so they don't form developed friendships (or they get very silly and/or toxic on social media which is a whole different story).

I don't think that any of my DS's Year 7 friends were still friends by Year 8. Tell your DS to hang in there. Keep talking to people. Sit on a table with others he knows at lunch. Don't assume they are a big friendship group and don't want him.

I have a ds in year 7, and have had similar concerns, maybe not to the same extent. He went to a small primary where everyone was friends and it was all quite easy, and he still tends to spend breaks and lunch with the same boys from primary, and I gather some others join sometimes. Two of his main friends from primary have drifted off a bit (one is very sociable and seems to have made new friends) but they are still friendly and ds does not seem overly bothered. He has joined a couple of after school clubs aligned to his interests and seems to chat and get on with some boys in these and also goes to Scouts which is similar. I think he is getting on fine in school, but has not as yet extended any of these new relationships to a friend he would chat or meet up with outside - I think this seems like a bit of a hurdle to get over and may take time. Like a pp said, they maybe do not have the social maturity yet to initiate this, and they are a bit too old for parents to engineer playdates (especially as don't know parents of new people) - my ds also does not chat much on his phone. I find it a bit worrying, but he seems ok, and hopefully things will progress, it just takes a bit of time. I suspect this might be quite common in year 7, especially for boys. I also think the massive shift from primary to secondary, plus quite a full schedule of after school activities means he is tired and happy to chill at home otherwise! Maybe see if your ds wants to join any after school clubs to widen his circle of
acquaintances which might then become friendships?

@YourTealTiger Make sure you're not making this worse by asking too many anxious questions and encouraging him to over-analyse. Many children take a while to make friends in new settings, and if he sees it as "a problem" it will be harder for him to relax into it.

At primary school many early friendships are orchestrated by parents arranging playdates, so it can be hard to watch them flounder on their own at secondary. But he needs to find his own path.

My own younger son has never been one for making deep friendships. At secondary he chatted to other boys/girls between classes and attached himself to a group at break, some of whom he liked, others not. He very occasionally met with some of them at half term, but usually preferred his own company and ours. This bothered me much more than it ever bothered him.

People always seem to think there’s some cliff drop of parent involvement between primary and secondary - for me that’s not been the case!

This is so hard and I think all the advice is good but I think you can get involved, especially if you can spend a bit. Have him invite another kid to a movie (ooh we have a voucher we have to use up) or local football match (have an extra ticket - is X interested?) or cafe visit or arcade etc. I found ways to reach the parents of kids my DC might be willing to be friends with and made friends with them. I invented all sorts of good reasons to have a kid around, etc. Our home is a welcome spot for kids to hang out in with lots of snacks and games.

So it will likely get better on its own - sounds like your son is absolutely lovely and will find a better friend - but I see no harm in being more aggressive yourself (as long as it’s done in a way that’s not embarrassing to your son - I struggle with this!)

Also, create opportunities to meet others outside of school. Mine did a team sport two nights a week, plus weekend matches, tournaments etc. Again, due to his nature, he didn't make deep long lasting friendships through it, but it certainly helped his wider networking skills..It also gave him something interesting to talk about that wasn't school related.

it is hard!!
my ds is late teens now. I remember that time. It’s really hard for them, for some reason girls have it easier making new friends - then it all goes tits up in year 8/9!!
very few remain close friends with their primary friends, the only ones mine are still close with are the ones that didn’t go to their secondary.

there seems to be a few interim friends until year 8 maybe year 9 where they start to find their tribe. Part of that is being over whelmed with secondary, and them finding out who they are. All I can suggest is encourage him to do any extra curricular he finds interesting, as he grows in confidence he will find his friends. Sports always good for that - although none of mine were sporty and went down the drama and music route instead.
I would also try and make sure there’s a good base of friends outside of school so there’s still friends around.

I promise it does work itself out

One of the reasons I wasn't worried is that neither me or my DH have been particularly skilled at making long lasting "best friends". At various stages of our lives we've had small numbers of friends that we've socialised with, but we don't create strong long lasting bonds like some other people do (except with each other of course!).

This used to bother me as a child, especially whenever someone (usually an adult) asked me who my 'best friend' was, but it doesn't now as I've learned to accept my nature.