Should I expect communication from school after every incident?

[elliejjtiny]

Ds4 (year 8) is deaf and ds5 (year 7) is autistic. Both struggle to communicate.

Ds4 got a detention today for "inappropriate behaviour". I asked him what he did, he said he made ds5 cry at break time. I asked him what he did to make ds5 cry, he said he didn't know. I asked ds5, he said he didn't remember crying at school.

Should I expect an explanation from school? Or should I just accept that at secondary school, children don't really talk to their parents about everything and secondary school staff communicate less with parents than primary school staff do.

No you don't hear anything just a message about the fact that they've got a detention.

It sounds like they are both lying to be honest. No I wouldn't expect communication from school over every incident. The fact they are choosing to not tell you doesn't mean the school should have to report what has happened instead.

Many schools will ask the teacher who logs the detention to write a sentence or so giving a bit more context.

this situation seems fairly clear though even if they can’t remember (or don’t want to tell you) the details.

Unless it’s a serious or ongoing issue they can’t be communicating with parents every time.

I doubt ds4 would remember he made ds5 cry but not how on the same day or recently

I would definitely expect to be told that they had a detention with a high level description eg. Rude/inappropriate behaviour or Low level disruption in class etc. I would also expect the offer of a phone call as they have additional needs - I’d be having a word with the school OP.

You have a parent app that you can log onto to view behaviour, achievement, attendance etc. It should be there. Teachers can add detail but it won't be visible to parents in case it identifies other children. No, teachers can't contact home after every incident or they wouldn't get any planning done. You should get a phone call or email following serious issues.

You should expect your children to tell you the truth. Your 13 year old made your 12 year old cry and is claiming he doesn’t know how? I’d be coming down on him like a ton of bricks and expect the truth! Maybe your 12 year old isn’t ‘remembering’ because he’s scared of retaliation from his older brother?

Would you not expect your dcs to be honest with you though?

Thank you. Tbh if I phoned the school about every little thing then I wouldn't get anything else done either.

Ds4 tends to miss chunks of conversation and guesses the rest because he can't hear properly so information from him is usually inaccurate, even if he is telling the truth. Ds5 will often say he can't remember things if he thinks he is going to be in trouble for something. Sometimes he genuinely can't remember though.

The app just says S1 - inappropriate behaviour towards others. then the time it was logged and the member of staff who logged it. The school never names other children involved, even if it's just ds4 and ds5 involved and I'm mum to both of them. In primary school I got 2 notes home saying both of them had bumped heads with another child. I asked if they'd bumped into each other but the school said they couldn't tell me because it was confidential. Although on that occasion both boys confirmed they had bumped into each other.

When both have additional needs, I would expect a higher level of feedback, especially given both their communication difficulties. I'd ask.

You did get a message. A detention for inappropriate behaviour.

It would be nice if teachers had time to phone home for every single tiny incident that happens at school, but we don't.

I agree with this, and particularly if there is an ongoing issue between siblings. For all the “teachers can’t call home about every little problem” there seems to be no forethought that A) for children with ASN, these things need to be handled differently and B) if the parent is aware there is a problem between siblings, it is far more likely to be dealt with properly at home, therefore leading to fewer problems for the teachers in the long run.

I think you should ask for better communication from the school. Your children have SEND needs that mean your children can't and won't communicate properly with you, so the school should be doing it.

If it was at break time the teacher dealing with it probably doesn't even know the kids. And seriously, a couple of siblings bickering is nothing. The crying kid doesn't even remember it so what exactly needs to be sorted?

You are seriously overestimating the importance of this incident and the amount of time teachers have to deal with tiny little things. Even logging it on the system will have been a pain in the arse that the teacher could really have done without.

This.
As both your children have communication issues, it should be a given that school communicates effectively with you. I would want this written jnto both EHCPs

Thank you. I find with my older dc, the info on class charts was fine and I could ask them for more detail if I wanted. But with these two it's a lot harder. I'm conscious that although both have ehcp's, the funding is still woefully inadequate for the support they need, especially for my youngest who has the emotional development of a toddler. You have to have eyes in the back of your head with him and I can't imagine what it must be like trying to keep him safe and fulfilling his potential in an environment designed for 11-16 year olds.