Student at (virtual) parents’ evenings - secondary

[LetItGoToRuin]

Are we alone/unusual in not having our DD present during progress evenings in secondary?

We feel that, as we get only 4½ minutes with each teacher per year, the teachers will offer more honest and efficient feedback if they are not dressing up their comments for the student’s benefit.

Only one teacher has ever asked whether DD can hear this conversation and has then spoken very openly when we said she could not. No other teacher has commented either way, but we always felt we received very frank feedback. The school doesn’t express a preference.

I suspect we’re in the minority. What do others do, and why? Does the approach change as they get older?

My DCs have attended all their parent evenings whether in person or remote.
It is basically a conversation between the teacher and my child, with me observing it prompting as necessary and ensuring transparency.
I have always been impressed by how honestly my DC have participated. It isn't a perfect system but it wouldn't be improved by excluding DCs.

Our school says that parents are encouraged to have their child sat with them for the virtual parents evening. The only time I haven’t was when I was dropping her at a club and took the call in the car whilst I was waiting. Nothing was said bout her not being on camera. And generally it’s expected however they often comment it’s great to have her there as many choose not to. Same when I was invited to an in person parents evening for sixth form recently after she started so we could have it all explained about how it’s set up and expectations etc. About half brought there child and about half didn’t. I know one friend commented her child point blank refuses to engage with these things.

I've got my virtual parents evening on Monday and son is not going to be with me. However when it's for year ten he will be.

We had year 11 parents' evening this week and yes, it would have been a bit pointless if DS hadn't been there too to hear the feedback, as it's really on him to work at this stage. My year 7 DS refused to come to his parents' evening last term but I think next year we will make sure he does come as it's him who really needs to hear it. Of course in his first term there wasn't a lot for the teachers to feed back anyway, they mainly just told us what year 7 were working on at the time.

Once I went without dd but it was completely pointless really, much more productive when she comes along because three way conversation about who needs to do what can be had and agreed. I think at secondary age they need to take responsibility and not including them makes it easier for them to shirk it off.

@FerriswheelsKissesandLilacs I can see why I might have given that impression!

The simple reason she doesn’t attend is because we've chosen for her not to attend, and when I asked her the other day she said she was happy not to attend as usual. She very much enjoys the second-hand feedback from us!

Although she is quieter in lessons, this is more of a social thing. She found her form group rather toxic in Y7 and it was safer to keep quiet. Things have improved as the mean girls have grown up a bit and there are different students in different lessons. DD now feels she is well liked in all her classes. She will never be the most outspoken, but she is confident speaking to adults – she’s an only child and our hobby means she has interacted with all ages socially from an early age.

At school, she is often chosen by friends/classmates to accompany them to the head of year, and can advocate for them or provide a balanced view (witness to bullying etc.) When she has encountered a problem at school we have encouraged her to raise it herself, and we have never contacted the school about her, though the school has contacted us to follow up on something she has reported. We've been told by her form tutor and head of year that she is mature, reliable and articulate.

I think I've made it clear from the start that DD is not one of those people that needs an extra kick from the teacher in front of her parents!

However, having received feedback on here from some people whose views I respect, we've discussed it as a family and DD is going to attend.

I never had DD at parent's evening - she couldn't have attended even if she/we had wanted her to as they were generally finished by the time she got home.

With only 5 minutes per teacher online, I found it much more useful to not have her there so it could be focused on the information I needed.

I think that's a good idea and helpful for her to adjust to that- there's only a few terms until 6th form when her attendance will definitely be expected, and then University when she'll be doing it alone.

It’s less of a kick from the teacher and more constructive comments to better their grades.

I said I’d feed back after the progress evening on how we felt with DD present, and on balance we all found it beneficial.

A couple of teachers commented that it was nice to see DD there, and one said he hadn’t seen many students, so it really isn’t the norm for students to attend at her school. DD did ask a couple of teachers beforehand whether she should attend, and they said they didn’t mind!

One thing we found useful was DD’s comments in the seconds before each meeting. DD would tell us what she expected to hear and mention something about the teacher (eg one teacher is shy and we should be gentle, and another always gives constructive feedback so we shouldn’t worry she’s not doing well!) This helped us to frame the resulting conversation and we could all more easily judge the feedback against her expectations.

DD is also glad she attended. She got some useful revision tips from some teachers, and I think she found it easier to believe any positive feedback she received because she heard it first hand. She had a great conversation with one teacher about how she could find opportunities outside school to challenge herself further, and I don’t think we’d have received the same suggestions without her as the teacher was responding to DD’s enthusiasm on the call.

DD was pleased that all the teachers praised her efforts to contribute in class (she had really been trying) and I think this feedback was more meaningful because she was there. It was obvious that all her teachers understood her character and recognised that DD was not the sort to stand up against more outspoken classmates, but knew she was always engaged and more than willing to contribute at less intense moments. I think if she hadn’t been there we’d have got ‘she does contribute, but could do more.’

I’m glad she was present - thanks to all those that recommended she attend!

It is strongly expected that DC attend at the DCs’ secondaries.

There is no point having a parents evening in my view if they are not present. It is their education and they need to know how they are doing and what they need to work on.

Ours and in-person and kids are expected to attend

What a lovely update, thank you.
It sounds like everyone involved, including the teachers, enjoyed and benefited from having your DD present. 😃