Anyone understand independent school culture?

[rubytuesday55]

I have been to a lot of coffee mornings with the head of Chigwell School, but he doesn't see to listen to anything we say? anyone else found this to be the case. Just not sure how to get some pints across - any advice?

Well, stop bringing pints to a school coffee morning for a start?

What are your points?
Is your DC at the school?

Just because you are asking for something, the HM doesn't have to comply, even if you are paying for education. He has the whole school, and all the other pupils to consider.

What points are you trying to make? If you have a big issue that is specific to your child, a coffee morning is probably not the right time to raise it. The coffee mornings are for chatting with other parents and general positivity. Make an appointment to meet the relevant teachers if you have a specific point to make.

Different schools have different cultures. The same school will have a different culture over the years under different heads.

So maybe start by attempting to understand the specific person you're dealing with - as with any other interaction - rather than assuming there's a magic key to unlock all independent schools.

And as PP said, it very much depends on what these 'points' are, and who you are to the head - parent of a pupil, parent of a prospective pupil, neighbour with a parking complaint, local charity with a begging bowl....

I’m not sure I understand what your aim is? Are these coffee mornings supposed to be a meet the head, discussion type thing?? Is it supposed to be a time for airing concerns?
No head has to make changes on the suggestions of one parent. Even on the suggestions of several parents.
What specifically are the problems?

I’m not familiar with the school but I do know of and have experience of independent schools in general. I can advise you regarding your query. Feel free to PM me or ask on here and I can respond.

Just to note coffee mornings are not always the most suitable time to air grievances.

I'd say it's definitely a myth that paying gets you more say in things. Possibly less if the school is popular and has a waiting list. That said the current climate with VAT etc. might mean you have a bit more parent power than average. Independent schools choose their pupils and often also weed out those who aren't on brand enough for them.

What sort of points are you trying to make at a coffee morning? Surely these are for general chitchat, showing off some project at the school and the school hitting you up for donations to build the new sports hall.

Unless your point is so important that numerous children will leave the school causing a financial crisis, the head is likely not interested in what you have to say.

You have to pick your battles.

If you are constantly airing grievances or requests then you become “that parent”.

If you have a very specific request relating to your child, and you rarely ask, you will be taken more seriously BUT as pp say, a general coffee morning isn’t the best time. Send an email or ask for a meeting or call.

What sort of issues have you raised? I'd generally suggest framing concerns as positive proposals or questions.

Are these pints - sorry, points(?) - pertinent to the HT's position as HT of Chigwell School? Are these coffee mornings at the school, or do you and he just move in the same social circles, which involve a lot of coffee drinking?

Sorry, a little flippant. But you might do better in the way of helpful responses if you say what it is that concerns you.

In the meantime, does the school's Complaints Procedure document help at all?

https://s3.eu-west-2.amazonaws.com/cdn.chigwellschool.com/documents/Complaints-Procedure-Policy_2025-06-19-130620_iuku.pdf

I definitely think you are misunderstanding the nature of independent school culture if you believe that coffee mornings with the head are really an opportunity for you to “make points”. They are a social opportunity for you to meet other parents. They are an opportunity for school staff to identify parents who may be useful to the school - by donating, providing internships, extra-curricular activities etc.
Paying for your child’s schooling doesn’t mean that the school will be interested in parental views about the running of the school. In most cases, the culture of any independent school is a combination of its tradition and of the values and vision of the Head. They are generally less democratic than state schools.
DD2 finished school in 2024 before VAT and there may be more private schools chasing pupils these days but both my DDs attended oversubscribed schools and, in over-subscribed private schools they can generally run them as they wish. They have no need to listen to points and the “culture” is that they don’t really.

Both my 2 were at Private but I have no idea what you mean.
I WOULD say thought that coffee mornings aren't the time to raise issues though

Agree with this. I have always had the impression of ‘if you don’t like it you can leave’ attitude but the school was oversubscribed with a wait list.

Are you the same poster who started a thread a few days ago about the Head at Chigwell?

@Georgiepud can you link pls? I’m interested as I have family in area considering chigwell / forest school.

I assume the post (a week ago?) got taken down.

It was an OP complaining about the Head for not listening and just using platitudes in his answers.

It sounded like a disaffected parent for some reason, and discussing the Head on here was probably not a good idea.

@Georgiepud thank you.

Hmm, part of me says that more people should call out schools giving a bad experience. However, if you are still a parent at a school it's probably not a good idea.

Our DC was at an independent many years ago and it was a dreadful experience primarily down to the head who took over during our time there. It's a different head now, but when it was the same head and the school came up on here I always warned people off the school a bit as we were not the only parents who felt something was amiss. In Yr4, nearly half the form left.

Do you think parents vote with their feet Denim4ever? I suppose the jungle drums get round the school yard, and a lot of parents then decide to bale out.
Not so sure about coming on social media to criticise an individual though when it might just be a clash of personalities or a grievance, unless like you say there's more amiss.

Anyway, FWIW Chigwell is a happy school and has good results.

Points are best put across in writing to the Head. Send an email OP, and he will be forced to reply or invite you in to discuss.

Private school coffee mornings aren't the environment for raising points to the head. You'd be expected to make an appointment, have a proper meeting etc and if you still don't get the answers you seek then it's a case of following their complaints policy. Not much point moaning on social media about a head as you could be anyone. I've worked in independent schools and ds went to 2 different independent schools. I had a serious complaint about 1 head and several teachers so followed the complaints procedure accordingly

oops! sorry for the typo, I dont even drink !! lol

This is the only post from me ! but seems there are others that have similar concerns?!