My 11 year old is failing year 7

[HoneyPie12]

I wonder if any other mums have gone through this and can offer any advice - I'll take it all. Anything including success stories as we are in the trenches.

My son is 11. He is wonderful but probably not super neurotypical- I would say he has a lot of traits of ADHD so struggles with attention span etc and he also finds lessons very hard to follow but his behaviour is very good. His sats were under the national average but not by too much- by about 5/10 points. Since he got to secondary he is constantly in detentions- always for lack of work in class or for not following instructions- he has a bit of an attitude when they pull him up on it - not verbally but sighs a lot they said - almost as if he is just sick of hearing it.. which I would be too but he is meeting the criteria for detentions with the lack of work or concentration in class nearly every day! He is extremely anxious in every day life but school seems to magnify that x1000. He is in pain with his stomach every day but the doctors have done tests and say its a physical symptom of anxiety. He feels sick a lot. His teachers say he has changed since they met him in September and that he has lots of new friends and likes break and lunchtime but every lesson seems to be a struggle and in lessons he doesn't concentrate, doesnt do tasks unless the teacher is 121 with him etc. He is probably on the lower ability side but he genuinely seems to not be able to follow his peers - almost like he misses a step or 2 and then cant catch up. He has no concrete SEN needs that have been diagnosed although they know about the anxiety and he doesnt have an ECHP in place. Is he just having a rough settling in? What can I do? Did anyone go through it and it got better?!

After much pushback I have finally got a meeting at the school on 8th Dec with the SEN team and the head of year but I don't know what to ask for to help him. I just want him to be happy - I don't care about his grades if he is trying his best and he is happy. I cry at night thinking about his little body hurting him with anxiety and stress at 11 years old. He is so happy at home and he has 2 brothers who have no issues at school (one older and at the same school as him) and I know he compares himself to them even though we don't. He is a magical, hilarious switched on little boy who deserves the world and I don't want the next 5 years to be so hard for him.

He needs an ADHD diagnosis and meds. They changed DS1’s life; he has flown since arriving at secondary. He wouldn’t manage without medication.

I’m so sorry to hear this, you are doing all the right things. He needs an EHCP, reasonable adjustments, teachers who understand him, and an environment where he is nurtured. I have an autistic year 7 DD and I get it, I really do. It’s heartbreaking.

DD1 is a secondary school teacher and was a year 7 tutor last year. She’s taken her form into year 8 and sees children with similar needs. I’ve asked her to comment to help. See below.

I have a child in my form that has a lot of these traits. What I would do is try and speak to his form tutor on the phone or in a face to face meeting. Explain to them how he is feeling and what is going on, see what their opinion is about it and explain his attitude and behaviour at home to see if there are any links. If this was someone in my form I would send an email to all of his teachers for a bit of extra information about him, how he is feeling in school, how he is perhaps struggling in lessons but also his hobbies and likes so his teachers can build a relationship with him.
Some idea for his processing and missing different steps when learning; see if his teachers could write the instructions on a whiteboard for him, print off directions for him etc.

This is so kind. Thank you. I don't think he struggled so much at primary as he had the same teacher all year and they get to know them and understand them - plus it's the same routine and same classroom etc. This is all really helpful - I appreciate your daughters time too xx

I feel for you @HoneyPie12. Been there and got the tee shirt.

You’re doing all the right things. Well done on sorting out a SEN meeting with the school. That’s really important.

What I would do between now and then is get a notebook (or use your phone, whatever works best for you, I HAVE to write things down on paper - my DC got their ADHD from somewhere……😊) and make loads of notes. Write down everything you are concerned about. What was he like in primary school? Look at old school reports, was there anything in those that could potentially be SEN related? Things can, and do get missed in primary school as there’s not as much for them to remember and there’s often more support. It’s when these kids who’ve generally flown under the radar go to secondary that things can fall apart.

What does your instinct tell you? Yr7 can be really really challenging for a lot of children: not all are ADHD / ASD / ND. Some just take longer to adjust. I have 4 DC, two NT and two ND. All of them found Yr7 tough but for the 2 ND ones it was when their degree of need really started to show. This had been masked to an extent in primary. Have a look at the ADHDUK website and think about how your sons presents in relation to ADHD and other ND conditions. Is there anyone else in the family who’s ND? Do you have any friends with ADHD children? Speak to them. Knowledge is power.

What is his school doing currently to support him? Clearly whatever they are isn’t working / isn’t enough. So what is their plan? These are the things you need to be asking at your appointment. Personally, I would be asking for a CAMHS referral and a referral to the Mental Health Support in Schools Team. Especially because of the levels of anxiety he’s displaying.

You’re doing brilliantly: you’re already up there and advocating for your son rather than adopting a wait and see approach. You’ve got this!

This is so kind. Thank you. I really wish I could give you a cuddle through the phone screen - it's so hard xx

He's not failing y7, y7 is failing him at the moment. It's a big jump moving to a large secondary school and not all students find their feet straight away. It's good that you've got the meeting arranged. Ask them what exactly they are seeing in class and at unstructured times, what adjustments are in place, what they propose doing and how they will do it.

@HoneyPie12 DD1 says she’s pleased to be able to advise. I’m a primary teacher and totally understand the transition from primary to secondary is very daunting and we are in a privileged position to be able to know our pupils inside out. Develop a relationship with the form tutor as they will be able to support with your DS. I really feel for you and him.

Having had a child broken by the school system / ebsa / anxiety.

I’d be checking out if there are any other schools that would be more suitable for your child (without necessarily telling the school / child initially)

If you have any spare cash I’d go privately for an adhd assessment/ meds but it is expensive but cahms is dire.

If you think you need extra support you can make an application for an assessment for an EHCP Ipsea website has a model letter parents can use. Don’t be fobbed off by the school.

Don’t trust teachers they don’t understand or are educated enough about ND.

Equally sencos pretty rubbish too.

Support your own child but work nicely with the school but defo don’t take their word for granted.

If the anxiety increases too much - ebsa - don’t be bullied by teachers / fines etc. Stand up for your child.

Always get documented emails from dr / teachers / write up the meeting on email - this is all evidence that you might need later on ….

Things which are super important

1. the environment- the school is not working for YOUR child causing him to have anxiety so how are they going to do adjustments not detentions.
2. The people so needs a friend or two and no bullying etc. Try and pin point if it’s particular days he struggles with / certain teachers as some are super strict and grumpy

Good luck

I should add…

I’m a SENDCo and in charge of primary to secondary transition, therefore have a lot of knowledge in this area.

It is important that you meet with school, but school can only offer accommodations; they are still a mainstream secondary school. More important is to find out if ADHD is at the root of your Ds’s issues, and get some treatment. This will make more of a difference than anything school can put in place.

I'm sorry your DS is struggling, it must be very worrying for you.
In addition to the excellent advice you've already had, it might be worth getting his eyes and hearing checked. Just in case this is making it even harder for him to follow what is going on in class.

Secondary school teacher here and qualified SENCO.

Be persistent. Ask for meetings, evidence and interventions to support your child’s needs. Be an equal partner in working with the school so that the communication is fab. Just pick your way through the evidence logically and see what it’s saying.

It’s great that your son has friends and a network. Encourage his friendships out of school and get him into some after school activities that he’ll enjoy.

Lots of Y7 can get overwhelmed by the shift in gear from one teacher to dealing with multiple staff and subjects. Plus all the rules and routines. It’s a lot.

You’re absolutely doing the right thing to meet with the school and to start digging deeper into what’s happening. Fingers crossed for you. Just be open and honest

This is exactly like my son he started high school sep was so looking forward to it but by Oct started showing so many adhd traits so I booked him into the doctors for a right to choose assessment for adhd . A week before is app he was quiet and seemed anxious and didn’t want to go to school. so I made a another doc app for the same day.. doctor confirmed anxiety and stress and
referred him to camhs they rang the following week and asked about him I give them a little rundown on what he’s like and she told me get him on the right to choose path for assessments, for adhd and autism and for the school to screen him dyslexia.. he’s always been a little below average at primary and his sats,, always struggled to focus maths is his weakest link!!!
I never thought much of it as I wasn’t looking for signs, since starting high school you can not miss the signs.. had a meeting with senco the end of Oct they was monitoring him untill my appointment what I have on Wednesday.. I hope they put something in place for him as he’s definitely got EBSA!!! He can not focus losers concentration will not put his hand up as he’s embarrassed incase is freinds think he’s dumb.. camhs mentioned he’s masking!!!

if it helps I have book what I write how my son is doing Dailey also his traits how he feels acts routine and also have his primary school reports and all doctors comments

I also ask for his primary school to write me up an email about my son as primary new him best.: high school there still figuring them out.. so am hoping this helps his high school, maybe this is something you can ask for I hope it helps.. this is all new to me I have four children and my youngest is the one who’s finding it hard.. it’s soul destroying seeing them hurt so much x