Help with school refusal

[Florizelloid]

My son is refusing to go to his secondary school. We were pretty new to the area, so he didn’t know anyone in the school before he started in year 7. He found it difficult to start with, the lessons were ok but the break and lunchtimes were hard, too many people he said.

He started refusing a few days before half term but now since half term he’s not been in at all. I am at a loss.

I’ve tried asking my mum to take him in, I’ve tried arranging for him to go in just for a bit, I’ve organised counselling that didn’t work for him, I took him to the GP who recommended counselling, I’ve been constantly kind and calm for weeks, I’ve tried losing it (not deliberately) I’ve tried getting him in tiny step at a time. His father (my very divorced ex) says we should punish him but the school say that’s not a good idea. Now he won’t even get out of bed. He’s only eleven.

What can I do? He’s been nearly three weeks out and every day it gets harder to persuade him to even get his uniform on. I can’t afford to home educate as I need my job.

I had a nice but useless conversation with a social worker who basically said I was doing all the right things.

I don’t know what to do. Work have been understanding but it’s getting to the point where I have to go in. Any ideas? Please help!

You need the environment and the people to work.

Is it a huge school? Any smaller ones he could go to?
Any bullying?
Is he ok at the level that they teach or too hard?
Is there any teachers he could chat with?
Any sen?
Does he have a friend?

Secondary is hard and he will be feeling rough can school let him stay in the library at break time / any clubs he could do that he would enjoy?

Can you arrange with school that he starts in a managed way, perhaps just going in until midday initially, to see how things go? This might help him build up confidence and get back into a routine. Also, I think most schools provide a quiet room where he could perhaps go to at break/lunchtimes to get away from things and de-compress from all the chaos.

Talk to the SENCo at school. He or she could help by encouraging positive interactions with other children in the class, especially those who are also looking to make friends. For many Year 7 children, the main issue is friendship — feeling isolated is very common at this age. In such situation SEN is assigning often a buddy/ mentor from year 9 or so.

Explore the root cause Children rarely refuse school “for no reason.” Common reasons:

Friendship problems Feeling stupid / behind
Sensory overwhelm Anxiety Unpredictable teachers Bullying (even subtle) Exhaustion from masking social/ASD traits all day

You could also explore the option of transferring him to another school, or at least visiting a few schools to see what the environment is like.
“I’ve been constantly kind and calm for weeks, I’ve tried losing it (not deliberately), I’ve tried getting him in tiny steps at a time.”

I personally think that sometimes this approach isn’t enough. No, I’m definitely not suggesting corporal punishment 😄, but sometimes a mix of clear boundaries and motivation can help.
For example, when my son complains about not wanting to go to school, I tell him I’ll move him to a very strict private boarding school. That does the trick:He reluctantly gets out of bed. I even know one mum who actually took her son to visit such a school — it worked wonders for him.

For sure limit his screen time. Block minecraft, roblox, fortnite etc - this should be a reward for attending school

Do you have any options for childcare when he refuses to go in ? Could he go to your mum for a bit?
Do you have any idea about why exactly he doesn’t want to go?
What solutions have the school offered? Have they offered him a space in school to go to if he’s struggling with a particular lesson? Or a calm space at break or lunch?
Has he had an autism assessment ? If not I would start the ball rolling with this, as it may be easier to get a EHCP later if he has a diagnosis, which opens the doors for funding for some tutoring or therapeutic interventions.
School will have an absence code for emotionally based school avoidance . It will serve you better to explain the reason as ebsa rather than school refusal when you let the school know why he’s not attending, otherwise you may find school trying to off roll him for unauthorized absences.
And does he have friends he socialises with outside of school? Extracurricular activities?