Suspension/Off site direction - unmet needs?

[Boymumma3]

Hey guys, I'm writing here in desperate measures. I have a 12 year old son soon to be 13 who's currently in year 8 at mainstream secondary school. He has had a number of suspensions some which have been for fighting and some due to persistent distruption. I have had numerous of meeting with school to try and help get him support. He is on the SEND register has a diagnosis of adhd and has possible autism. School say he is unpredictable reacts slightly to smallest things and now tbh I actually feel like they no longer want him there. I agree with all the suspensions as punishment is needed specially when it contains fighting. But what I dont agree with is him receiving 3/5 day suspensions for this and other children receiving 1 day isolations (when he has been attacked). When I approached school about this they said it goes based on previous behaviour but in my eyes assault is assault. Anyhow his most recent suspension has now triggered and off site direction to another mainstream school. It was for saying 'kiss my ass' to a member of staff - she did not here him say this neither did the cctv that is recorded in this room, he totally denies saying this. They have based the suspension on another student making a statement saying he said this, they didnt ask him his version etc.. now I had a meeting Tuesday and he was told to start his off site direction thursday which was part time. I took him thursday he hated it, took him back Friday where he was in a very distressed state his original sendco was coming to see him she turned up just as he managed to escape the reception in a very distressed state crying nearly been sick and rather angry. We sat and had a talk and told her I was worried this is going to have a massive negative impact on him, I also emailed the pastoral team to express my concerns and request an urgent review as I am worried for his mental health if this placement carries on. I spoken to the LA who actually advised I ask for governors representations as he was at a point of total 14 days suspensions and 1 more day would have triggered one anyway, she had a feeling they had done offsite to avoid this? . They failed to give me written plan regarding the off site direction which I actually requested to include plan, end date, review dates, support in place to help, and i have still not received this. I dont even want to fight against school i just really want some help from them. I have done a parental application for ehcp which school support as is needed. I am worried about all of this and what's going to happen, I'm worried for his education, I just want school to provide support to meet his needs instead of having constant meetings telling me he needs to improve or will be removed from school, hes just expected to go back after suspensions and his behaviour to have changed when hes still in the same situation as before - same lessons not enough support etc.. they mentioned months ago anger management and councilling this has still not happened. What do I do any advice please?
Thankyou

Well of course he doesn't like going somewhere else but he's now realising that actions, and words, have consequences. I'm afraid I'm with the school. You are belittling the impact of his behaviour on other pupils and staff and that isn't doing him any favours. What actions do you take to improve his behaviour? Does your son recognise he is out of control? Does he ever apologise for fighting or offensive language? It reads like you blame the school for lack of action, but how do you support the school? I'm not seeing much of that. I taught too many children who relied on the school doing all the work on behaviour. It never turned out well

It’s good that you have begun the process towards a needs assessment and hopefully, EHCP.

You say you want the school to support him. What does that look like in practical terms, do you think? Does he need a safe place to go if he’s distressed? Does he need time out? Does he need different groups and sets?

It’s clear they can’t and won’t have regular disruption and fighting. That’s not acceptable for him, his peers and the staff. There’s no point in being annoyed by the sanctions other children get. Your child is the one you have to deal with.

It sounds as though this is a managed move to another school. Is that right? If so, I’m surprised you don’t have much information about it and what the timescale is. If it is something other than that, there should be a plan with a timescale and outcomes.

Of course he doesn’t like this different school and of course he will be unhappy about it. Part of your job is to try to make him understand that it’s his behaviour that has caused it.

Does he need support for learning, or is it his behaviour that prevents him ( and others) from learning. Could you look to see what support you could access yourself, if you feel the school isn’t doing enough.

He has a history of low mood and has also self harmed before so I am rather worried that his mental health will deteriorate. Of course I agree with punishment from the school which I continue at home by punishing if this is nessasary.

It is an off site direction not a managed move. He does apologise yes after when he is calm and realised he reacted in a way that was inappropriate. I have done nothing but be in positive contact with the school. For example they have told me they want to involve external agencies, this has not yet been done, he needs moving sets so they say again this has not been done. I do not expect them at all to put up with regular distruption or fighting as it is unfair on other children I'm not saying that. I support the school on everything I have sat numerous meeting with them which I have agreed with everything with them!

Im saying they say there going to do this and that but they actually haven't done this. Im saying I believe all children should be treat fairly not that I'm not focusing on my child!

I have made it very clear to him that we are where we are because of his behaviour!

I hope the application for a needs assessment is successful then and more help is available for your son.

Are you getting any of these behaviours at home, and do you have support for yourself? Early Help perhaps? You can contact them yourself to refer. What triggers the fights at school? What is his understanding of the situation? How does he react to boundaries at home?

I can see this situation from both sides, and school are responsible for safety of all young people. Perhaps a change of setting will be helpful.

Hey, firstly sending you a big hug. This is similar to the situation I was in apart from the fighting. Sounds like you both need a break, hopefully with the Christmas break coming up you will both have some time. I have pretty much been through what you are going through and I believe that the behaviour is due to the way your son is being treated, it certainly was for us. The last thing he needs is punishment, he needs care, understanding and compassion. I have pulled my child out of school education system for now to protect his mental health and due to burnout. I spoke to the school recently and someone in the welfare team told me that unfortunately at school once you are labelled 'the naughty child' by the teachers and SLT team there is no going back and you will never get the support from the school, the SEN department or the welfare departments.