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Secondary education

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Original poster

inappropriate touching/sexual assault

11 replies

WaryAquaLurker · 12/11/2025 22:55

Please help a worried mama! My son (age 11 - year 7/1st year secondary school) got in trouble a few weeks ago for touching a friends bum ..transpired after investigation that he’d slipped, no further action was taken the boy involved was ok they remained friends etc etc. I’ve never witnessed this kind of behavior with him, he’s a really lovely boy on the whole and has a few younger siblings, i’m as sure as i could be that he isn’t suffering from any abuse himself.

He says that it’s happened to him but he’s just never ‘grassed’ because it’s his mates and they’re just messing so he wouldn’t want to get them in trouble but I feel like there’s no point in him expressing this now as they’ll think he’s just trying to deflect it away from himself so by not being a ‘grass’ he’s basically done himself a disfavour as i feel if he has disclosed it had happened to him the outcome may have been different. They’re a playful boystrous bunch at the best of times.

I’ve had a phone call from school today to say that he’s touched another boys bum in class today and admitted that it wasn’t an accident but was just ‘messing around’. He was taken out of the class and is in exclusion tomorrow before being moved to a different form group from friday - all totally acceptable in my opinion HOWEVER … the school have informed me that they have reported this to the police and that they’ll be in touch in due course.

I don’t want to come across as naive, of course I have spoken to him at length (last time and this time) about how it is inappropriate, about keeping his hands to himself and all that however I am so concerned now that this is going to ruin the rest of his life!?

Im expecting probably some nasty comments but i just feel at a complete loss and don’t know where to turn or what to do whilst we just wait for the police to get in touch? they haven’t even told me what they’ve reported it as? would it be sexual assault? I’m absolutely besides myself and would appreciate any advice that anyone could give.

Anyone who knows him knows he is a lovely boy and he has loads of friends etc and i’m really concerned this is just going to literally ruin the entire rest of his life as well as the next few years he has to spend in high school.

Any advice is appreciated!!

OP posts:
stichguru · 12/11/2025 23:05

I think they are unlikely to convict an 11 of something from that. More likely they will try to establish that he isn't being abused himself and what thought processes he is going through. I imagine they may get social services and potentially mental health services involved if they think there is a bigger problem. Better to get him some support while he's 11 then wait until he is older. If he still doesn't understand it's a no go area in a year or so, he could be charged with assault.

Original poster
WaryAquaLurker · 12/11/2025 23:11

stichguru · 12/11/2025 23:05

I think they are unlikely to convict an 11 of something from that. More likely they will try to establish that he isn't being abused himself and what thought processes he is going through. I imagine they may get social services and potentially mental health services involved if they think there is a bigger problem. Better to get him some support while he's 11 then wait until he is older. If he still doesn't understand it's a no go area in a year or so, he could be charged with assault.

thank you for your reply. I’m likely thinking the worst because it’s come as such a shock to be honest! Whilst i appreciate its 2 incidences of the same thing, the first was investigated as a safeguarding issue and concluded as an accident so it seems a big jump to go straight to the police with this one.

Yes, he doesn’t display any mental health issues and is a very intelligent and popular child, i’d be happy if the outcome is just that to rule out abuse (which is certainly not happening under my roof!) and to just have a chat and explain the ramifications of it continues. I can only hope this is the outcome rather than criminal charges 🤞🏼

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555Stars · 15/11/2025 20:23

I would suggest you keep having honest and open conversations with him. Especially about what has happened to him previously with friends/anybody else. It’s not ok to violate his friends and to do it twice is very concerning…You say they’re his friends (they all do it!) but its clear they didn’t feel it was appropriate at all-you’d have to question the validity in this excuse. His attitude needs to change asap.

As another poster said, SS will be involved and he should be honest and disclose all to them. The school probably hasn’t told you anything to contain and protect the victim, the police should inform you of any allegations made.

His life won’t be ruined but he’s not listening, he needs help & to change as currently, he’s a repeat offender in such a short space of time!

Original poster
WaryAquaLurker · 16/11/2025 12:24

555Stars · 15/11/2025 20:23

I would suggest you keep having honest and open conversations with him. Especially about what has happened to him previously with friends/anybody else. It’s not ok to violate his friends and to do it twice is very concerning…You say they’re his friends (they all do it!) but its clear they didn’t feel it was appropriate at all-you’d have to question the validity in this excuse. His attitude needs to change asap.

As another poster said, SS will be involved and he should be honest and disclose all to them. The school probably hasn’t told you anything to contain and protect the victim, the police should inform you of any allegations made.

His life won’t be ruined but he’s not listening, he needs help & to change as currently, he’s a repeat offender in such a short space of time!

yes i’m certainly not minimising what he’s done and we are continuing to have conversations around it, it’s not something i will just forget about an brush under the carpet so to speak - there’s definitely a lot of learning for him around it with us at home and with school. I have also reiterated to him that it’s not an excuse because clearly it wasn’t received well by the child he’s done it to and he needs to learn what’s appropriate and when. He’s certainly got some growing up to do and it’s i can assure you it’s not something we’re taking lightly. Thanks for your thoughts on it

OP posts:
555Stars · 16/11/2025 13:53

WaryAquaLurker · 16/11/2025 12:24

yes i’m certainly not minimising what he’s done and we are continuing to have conversations around it, it’s not something i will just forget about an brush under the carpet so to speak - there’s definitely a lot of learning for him around it with us at home and with school. I have also reiterated to him that it’s not an excuse because clearly it wasn’t received well by the child he’s done it to and he needs to learn what’s appropriate and when. He’s certainly got some growing up to do and it’s i can assure you it’s not something we’re taking lightly. Thanks for your thoughts on it

Show quote history

I wish you well w it, he’s still very young!
I imagine it’s an incredibly stressful time to navigate through.

There was child in my school when younger and they did the same thing (hitting butts)-turns out their friend-older neighbour was doing to them on the sly. So it became normalised to them! My parent was a local social worker at the time & told me & then asked me questions & had the talk w me abt child perps! I’m definitely not telling you this to imply the same. However, it’s def a learnt a behr- whether from friends, tv, social media etc. His current understanding is that it’s not serious- continue to challenge this & good luck. I hope his school life won’t be affected, prepare for some challenging times & reactions. Know that it will pass!

Either way, I hope it’s resolved in the best way possible for all!

onlytherain · 16/11/2025 21:32

In my child's class, something much worse happened in Y8. Police and social services got involved, but the child was not charged.

Have you asked your son if someone has touched him inappropriately? I know several adults it has happened to and their parents weren't always the first to find out.

Could this have anything to do with his SM or screens use?

There are lots of good books about consent available. It might be a good time to read some of those with him.

Jeska7 · 16/11/2025 22:12

Sounds like you are and have done the right thing. Best not to panic or worry. It might be that he was mucking around which is not acceptable but sounds as if they might have been silly and daring each other etc. I’m sure he won’t get into trouble they’ll just want to make sure nothing is happening to him to cause him to behave in this way. They’ll also be saying it’s unacceptable. He might pay more attention to police / social services than you. Have you told him that the school have contacted the police? I imagine that’s difficult. Do you tell him or not? Might want to warn him but don’t want him worrying for days. Especially if they don’t investigate / turn up.

Original poster
WaryAquaLurker · 17/11/2025 22:04

stichguru · 12/11/2025 23:05

I think they are unlikely to convict an 11 of something from that. More likely they will try to establish that he isn't being abused himself and what thought processes he is going through. I imagine they may get social services and potentially mental health services involved if they think there is a bigger problem. Better to get him some support while he's 11 then wait until he is older. If he still doesn't understand it's a no go area in a year or so, he could be charged with assault.

thanks, yes i’m more than happy for him to have some support and discussions around why he’s doing it. Of course we have tried but he just says ‘messing around’ so maybe an outside agency would be better to help with this. Thank you for your input, you’re right i mean id rather it not happen at all but certainly better now than a few years down the line.

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Original poster
WaryAquaLurker · 17/11/2025 22:07

Jeska7 · 16/11/2025 22:12

Sounds like you are and have done the right thing. Best not to panic or worry. It might be that he was mucking around which is not acceptable but sounds as if they might have been silly and daring each other etc. I’m sure he won’t get into trouble they’ll just want to make sure nothing is happening to him to cause him to behave in this way. They’ll also be saying it’s unacceptable. He might pay more attention to police / social services than you. Have you told him that the school have contacted the police? I imagine that’s difficult. Do you tell him or not? Might want to warn him but don’t want him worrying for days. Especially if they don’t investigate / turn up.

He knows the school have contacted the police, they told him. He was very upset initially asking if he was going to get arrested etc to which i obviously couldn’t give him a definite answer. He’s been on his best behaviour since and I’m still yet to hear anything from the police so maybe it has frightened him enough, I’m still expecting to hear from someone at some point but who knows how long it will take! No it’s definitely not acceptable behaviour, playing around or not..he can mess around with his mates without touching them inappropriately for sure and we have all reiterated this to him, i’m hoping this time it will sink in. Thanks for your input :)

OP posts:
Original poster
WaryAquaLurker · 17/11/2025 22:10

onlytherain · 16/11/2025 21:32

In my child's class, something much worse happened in Y8. Police and social services got involved, but the child was not charged.

Have you asked your son if someone has touched him inappropriately? I know several adults it has happened to and their parents weren't always the first to find out.

Could this have anything to do with his SM or screens use?

There are lots of good books about consent available. It might be a good time to read some of those with him.

Yes i’ve asked him, he says he’s had the exact thing happen to him but as it’s mates messing around he’s not bothered by it. I’ve told him now that in the same way it’s not appropriate for him to do it to others, it’s not appropriate for it to happen to him either and he’s to go to the teachers if it does. Thanks i wasn’t aware there were books, i’ll have a little look, im sure there’s a video that was going round a while back something to do with tea which is about consent too (im hoping i haven’t jus totally made that up 😁) so will see if i can find that to show him too. Thanks for your input x

OP posts:
Original poster
WaryAquaLurker · 17/11/2025 22:12

WaryAquaLurker · 17/11/2025 22:10

Yes i’ve asked him, he says he’s had the exact thing happen to him but as it’s mates messing around he’s not bothered by it. I’ve told him now that in the same way it’s not appropriate for him to do it to others, it’s not appropriate for it to happen to him either and he’s to go to the teachers if it does. Thanks i wasn’t aware there were books, i’ll have a little look, im sure there’s a video that was going round a while back something to do with tea which is about consent too (im hoping i haven’t jus totally made that up 😁) so will see if i can find that to show him too. Thanks for your input x

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also, regarding screens, we are quite strict with his phone / SM usage. He generally is downstairs with us when he’s using it and it stays downstairs in the evening and he has to be open with me checking it which he is, i have a look through most evenings just to keep an eye

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