I need some advice from all you mumsnetters ou there!!!!!

[emsiewill]

I am emsiewill's DD1 (11). And I have a question for all you mumsnetters. I have been going to a welsh, primary, state school since I was 4 and my parents decided that they wanted me to go to a Welsh Secondary School since then. But then a few weeks ago I watched a programme (My New Best Friend) about Cheltenham Ladies College (a Boarding School) and ever since I have wanted to go there. My mother has explained to me that they would never send me there because even though it is a wonderful school, the school I'm going to is really good too. Plus they would never be able to afford to sned me there (it's £24,000 a year!!! ). My mother has said that she would miss me a lot, She doesn't want me to leave for college, She definitely doesn't want me to leave home any earlier!! I keeps on telling her
" I'll only live once, I should live a life I love not a life that I'll be unhappy about forever!!!" She has said that it does make her feel sad when I cry because I can't go to Cheltenham Ladies College.

We did have a heart to heart and I told her that the reason why I didn't want to go to the secondary school with all my friends was..... I think that going to secondary school is a big change in my life and so I thought making new friends should go with that change. The school I'm going to, there are 6 feeding schools going up to it so nearly everybody will be going up from my school. So I think that the school I'll be going to, everybody will be going up in their own group of friends and they won't want to make new friends. My mother has told me that other people will want to make new friends, and that I will find other people to be friends with. But I keep on disagreeing. The main reason why I wants new friends is..... because all of my best friends right now act a lot older than they are i.e make-up, boyfriends, calling people bitches and I don't want to act like that. In my opinion I think that right now the only things we should be concentrating on are playing and having fun. My friends do also tease me sometimes, they say things like "You're just jealous of us because nobody fancies you and nobody's ever going to love you" and that makes me feel bad. They do leave me sometimes to play by myself, they go off to play with the boys and they leave me by myself.

I think Boarding School would be better because I would get to know my friends better so I would be able to connect with them a bit more. What would you do if it was you?? My parents can't afford for me to go to Cheltenham Ladies College but I don't want my mother to talk to my teachers about my friends teasing me!!! It's making me and my mum feel so sad when I act like this!!! Please Help!!!

Give the new school a chance!

oh you poor thing!

right, first of all, when you go to secondary school, you will find some friends that you have more in common with. I can promise you this.

At the moment you are friends with your primary school friends (and I use the word "friends" quite loosely, they don't seem particularly friendly) because you don't have a choice as you all live fairly local to each other and you are kind of forced to play together. When you get to a bigger school, you will be able to choose your friends because you like them, and they like you (which they WILL)

I wanted to go to boarding school instead of the local comp, but like your parents, mine couldn't afford it and I am really glad that they didn't. Secondary school was not the best of places, but my worries about not making friends were completely unfounded.

My own dd1 is now 14 and she had similar worries when she started at high school, but she has had no problem making new friends.

How about you promise to give it a try for a year and if you are really unhappy after the first year you can sit down again with your mum and have a huge chat about what to do next?

You sound like a really mature and sensible girl and your mum should be very proud of you

(ps. let us know how you get on in September, wherever you go)

Firstly I REALLY hope your mother knows you're on MN . Secondly can I congratulate you on how well written and articulate your post was. And thirdly: My oldest 2 children have now finished at High School. My daughter went through all the bitchy stuff between Year 5 and Year 7 - I think (some) girls can be awful at this sort of age, leaving certain girls out and name-calling. It was like that even when I was your age (and I'm 42 now, so we're talking back in the Middle Ages ) But by the time my daughter finished High School (she's 18 now) she was still friends with only ONE girl from her primary school - all of her other friends she'd met along the way.

The reason your Mum wants to talk to your teacher is because it's so awful for a parent to see her child unhappy. And teachers are trained on how to deal with these sort of things in a sensitive way - she's not going to go to your friends and say you've "old on them" or anything like that. Boarding school sounds a bit to me like running away from your problems, and the truth is the girls at boarding school might be cows as well but you'd be stuck with them day and night. High School is very different to Primary and it might take some time but its so much bigger that you'll meet girls you like sooner or later - good luck.

11/secondary school starting age is a time when many children do choose to change their friendship groups.

I work in a secondary school. We have about 200 students each year coming from about 6 main schools and then smaller numbers coming from another 10 schools (sometimes just 1 or 2).

By the end of year 7 over half of the children (we have done surveys) report that their closest friends are now new friends that they made at secondary. Not the mates they joined with from primary.

Hope that helps.

I went to boarding school when I was your age. I would never, never send my girls there. It can be much, much bitchier than day school because you can't get away from anyone. If you fall out with your friends you can't go home and have a break from them, they are in your face the whole time.
I agree with the others who have said that you WILL make new friends at secondary school.
My eldest girl is worrying about this right now too, as she will be starting secondary in September too. I think you are quite similar, she is having problems with some so-called friends teasing her and calling her innocent and naive because she is not interested in make up and boys the way they are. Trust me, at secondary school you will find friends more to your taste.
And lastly, you are a very clever and articulate girl judging by your post, so you will go far in life whatever school you go to.

emsiewill's DD1. You are obviously very intelligent, so will do very well, what ever school you go to.

I'm not really sure how you want us to help you... if your parent can't affrod to send you to boarding school...they can't afford to send you. What ever they say it is probably making them sad knowing they they can't give you the oportunity. (Even if thye wouldn't send you because they just love you too much)

I went to the local high school for a few years, and I also went to a boarding school.What I can tell you is the teaching was no better at the boarding shcool, but the gilrs (and boys) did come from nicer homes, and the majority didn't find it acceptable to be horrible to others.Recources were also better, so we could do much for fun things in art, etc, but I didn't do very well academically.

Life is short - but you don't die when you are 18. (hopefully!) Enjoy the time you have with your parents now, learn from them, enjoy thier love, and the warmth you have in your own home every evening/ weekend, (and enjoy the food - did they show you on TV how gross the food is?)Enjoy going to bed with your parents close by. Then when you have the qualifications you need, go out and explore and enjoy the world. You will meet the most fabulous people at Uni/ when you are travelling.

Oh, and when I went to high school, I met a new friend from another school, who was my best friend for years.

hi. you sound like a fab young lady!

please try not to worry....maybe you're feeling a bit unsettled at this big change coming up...

before i started in comp (about 234 years ago!) i was really unsure what to expect...when i got there, it was so very different to primary school. there are loads of new people to meet...some you'll like, some you won't, but i can almost guarantee that you'll find someone who feels just like you do....about friends, peers, boys, education, hobbies...everything!!

its great that you sound close to your mum, and she really probably does know what shes talking about...and really does just want whats best for you....so go with her on this...see how you find your first year in comp, and talk about it again if you are still feeling unhappy. x

you will make loads of new friends at your new esconadry school, i am still in touch with a lot of my old friends some i knew from primary some i didnt, inc my one of my closest friends who was in my primary but we hated each other with a passion till we had double media together and have been inseperable ever since and my other best friend who went to a different primary and secondary i met through other friends who met him at college.

you will continue to make new friends all through your life with each new scool, college,uni and job.

plus it is a little unfair of you to badger your mum about a boarding school that she cant afford i am sure that she feels really bad that she cant afford to give into everything you want.

Hi emsiewill's dd. It's squonk's dd1 here, I'm 14...

when i first went up to secondary school i was really worried, its not as scary as older kids say, i got told that i was going to get my head flushed down the toilet on my first day but none of that happened its really just like moving to a new school, if you've ever done that.
i found it really easy to make friends as because every one is just as scared so you feel like you have a lot in common.

hey squonks dd...i was told about head flushing too! it must be a rite of passage to pass from comp to primary school!

a bump for my dd

I'd just like to say thank you to all the mumsnetters who have posted replies. All of you have helped me quite a lot, and I'm feeling much better now about going to secondary school.

Yesterday at school, the teacher was saying that we are going to visit the secondary school, go to the secondary school for a day of lessons and another thing I can't remember about the secondary school. So I'm now a bit more excited about going!!! I am sort of coming to agree to not going to boarding school and going to a state school.

I hope that I do make new friends at secondary school. Because when my friends are nice, they're really nice, but when they're mean, they're really mean!!! One of the things they do is, when somebody is on holiday and my friends no they're not there, they talk about them behind their backs!!! . My friend said yesterday that she doesn't talk about people behind their back , she just tells them excactly what she thinks to their faces. In my opinion, when I don't like somebody I just keep it to myself and try and still be polite to them and not just laugh and sneer at them as my friends do. I am now looking forward to going to secondary school (sort of). I am still a tiny bit worried about making new, better friends but apart from that I'm looking forward to it. I will try and keep you posted on what happens in September.

Thank you all again.

another bump & a [proud mum] from me (emsiewill)

emsiewills DD. I'm sure you will make new friends.

Unfortunately, a characteristic of lots of teenage girls is that they are not always very nice.

It's part of growing up, and most people eventually turn into really nice adults, even if they talk about people behind their backs and do other nasty stuff at school.

Becasue there will be so many new people to meet you are sure to find some like minded freinds- watch out for them when you go over for the day.

I think if there are 6 feeding schools going into your new secondary school there will be lots of other girls to make friends with! Remember in the tv programme about the Ladies College some of the girls had arguments with other girls and, because they were at boarding school, they couldn't go home at the end of the day, see their mums and forget about it, and some of them were very unhappy about that. You will probably make a completely new set of friends who are much more interested in the sort of things you are interested in too. As someone else said, lots of girls are nasty about others behind their backs but they do grow out of it eventually, and don't always mean what they say, they are just joining in to be the same as the others! When you have had your 'taster' day at your new school, you will probably be really looking foward to starting in September and seeing some of the other new people again. Good luck.