How to decide when parents don’t agree?

[Perplexled]

Trying to decide on preferences for secondary application. H has been very hands off (to put it politely) and not engaged with the open days so has only seen two of the options.

At present dc and I both like two of the single-sex options best and those schools have much better results than the mixed options, but both involve a 30 min bus. H thinks we should just put our closest school top of the list and forget about the better options but apart from being a short walk it doesn’t have much to recommend it. Struggling to make him see that I would also prefer a mixed school a short walk away if other things were equal BUT they aren’t, and this is DC’s only chance at education.

Has anyone experienced similar and found a solution?

Let your child have the casting vote?

Your child is the one who has to go. Let them decide.

Is your child a boy or girl? If boy, I’d go for mixed. If girl, I’d really push for single sex.

Make a list of all the factors (commute, results, subjects offered,extracurricular, mixed/single sex etc, rate each thing out of 5 or 10 and see which schools come out on top.

There are advantages in having a DC go to the local school. As they get older, teens want to hang out with their friends more and more. My DD 17 will get the bus into the town centre, or go to the park, or to a coffee shop after school with her friends regularly and she has been doing this for a few years now. It’s given her lots of confidence and she has great friendships. She’s also learned to be responsible and manage her time efficiently. I’m of the opinion that if teens are happy, then it’s a great foundation for all the heavy lifting on the school work.

In theory, I’d say the child has the casting vote. In practice, that’s what we did (he agreed with DH) and it turned out badly - and both he and DH agree they were wrong. On the other hand, DH and I both felt so strongly that I was worried it was going to lead to divorce so if so had my time again I’d probably do the same.

Thanks everyone - helpful to hear other perspectives. DC is a boy and before looking at the schools I would definitely have said I wanted a mixed school for him esp as he has no sisters and spends all his free time playing football with boys so his life is very boy-heavy. But the mixed schools in question actually have better outcomes for girls for the most part (in terms of points/progress, not psychologically…) so that’s swayed me away. I know I’m struggling with the decision so much because I’m pissed off with H being his usual lazy self and not bothering to do any research, so that’s colouring the whole process. All the schools (we are in London so have quite a few options) have pluses and minuses so it’s going to be a compromise whatever happens.

30 minute bus in London is nothing, given your DH hasn't been interested enough to go and see schools and your DS isn't in agreement with him, I think he's lost his right to a vote. Just submit the form the way you and DS want it.

People in England always say this and I have been to all girls' schools talks. The bottom line is that it's actually sexism to think girls can't compete with boys at school or that boys are more confident and brasher and girls need some kind of special treatment, especially in STEM subjects. What a load of nonsense. Who said girls aren't better than boys and why do they need any kind of segregation or special adjustments?!? I have been educated abroad and we never had any of this nonsense and girls were the top achievers in my year group. It's only in the UK where you have this archaic misogynistic nonsense.

I would presume the recommendation is because of the sexual harassment and misogyny girls face in mixed secondary schools every single day. Nothing to do with being worse or better than boys at studying.

Well, the recent all girls' sixth form talk I went to described boys as being "brasher, louder, more confident to answer questions" and girls as "better at English and languages". Errr... if that's not misogyny...

Another mixed secondary was proudly talking about how they segregate boys and girls for STEM subjects because of course girls would do better without having boys in their STEM classes.

What rubbish!

Just an anecdote.

Dd was 3 and playing up in the car. I was driven so said to DH “tell her to pull her head in” (age appropriately, of course, before I get my head bitten off). DH said “no, no. You do it”. And I said “Ok, I will. But when she is a stroppy 14 year old, you don’t get a say. I do. Your entitlement to have something to say then starts now by putting the work in”.

I have a good DH so he stepped up and sorted her out and, when she was 14, he had opinions that were valid and were taken into account when discussions were happening.

Your dh doesn’t seem to have put the work in so his opinion is of lesser value.

Let your child decide. He is the one that will be attending the school.

If a boy, I think mixed is better. If a girl, single sex.

My DD would love to her Maths and Science lessons without the boys messing around, shouting out etc. Its not the girls aren't "good enpugh" its because they get pushed aside by the boys.

The decision should be based on:

Where does your child want to go and what school appears to offer the best education?

Your disengaged husband's opinion isn't really of any value in the picture your post presents.

I would say that DC would have a say in this, and given that you have come to the same conclusion adds weight to that. My kids had to take a 30 mins bus to school but that would have been true if we had got our first choice, or even the nearest high school (to which we didn’t apply as it is CofE and we don’t go to church), maybe a slightly shorter bus journey but a longer walk at the other end. They left for school at 7.50 most days (they had to get public buses which ran every 10 mins) and were home by 4. It’s not an awful day and worth the extra travel if you feel there is a significant difference between the schools.

If your husband hasn't been engaged, and you and your ds have a clear opinion having done your research and looked round the schools, I'd just stick the application in.

Nothing worse than someone imposing their view when they haven't done the legwork.

@XelaMa teen girl in my family who is struggling with school was asked if there was anything that would make it better. The answer? If I was a boy. They get all the attention and help in school, and take up the courts / field at lunchtime. It’s nothing to do with academic competition between boys and girls.

@XelaMyou have misunderstood. Single sex education is nothing to do with girls needing special treatment. Statistics bear out that girls are more academically successful in a single sex environment. Whether that is due to the misogyny of those around them or other reasons I don’t know but I can refer to my own experience. When I was visiting secondary schools as an 11 year old I went to what was regarded as the best school in the area. The kitchens were full of girls doing demonstrations The computer rooms were full of boys. I asked the girl showing us around about the computer room and the answer was basically that the boys don’t let the girls get a look in.

I went to the local single sex school which at the time was less well-regarded than the mixed one and had an excellent education there. When academic league tables were published for the first time when I was at the school we trounced the mixed “best” school (and all of the other local schools).

Just because that’s what the school says doesn’t mean that’s why mumsnetters are recommending it! Based on all sorts of posts that mums of girls have posted, I would assume it’s to do with how they are treated.