ds in trouble again at school n i dunno what to do 😩

[FindingMyFeet89]

hi everyone
just need advice really cos im gettin fed up with the calls from school already n we only just back. my ds2 (13, year 9) seems to be in trouble every day atm.

they rang last week cos he backchatted a teacher in science, then again cos he refused to wear his blazer n kept messin about in the corridor. then yesterday i had another call sayin he was rude in PE n now they put him on report. feels like constant.

hes not a bad kid at home, bit mouthy sometimes but he’ll help with his little brothers n that. but school say he’s always answerin back n doesn’t like bein told what to do. im scared he’s gonna get excluded if it carries on n i dunno how to stop it.

i do tell him off n take his xbox but it dont seem to make a difference cos next day its the same thing again. has anyone else had this? do they grow out of it or am i doin something wrong?

I have 3 DC, all teens, DD, 2 DS. My eldest two were rarely / never in trouble and if they were, it was fairly straightforward, and not about attitude or disrespect.

My youngest DC is a completely different story, is easily dysregulated, and often in trouble, and has demonstrated rudeness / poor attitude which is completely unacceptable to me.

I think you need to do two things - be absolutely clear what your own standards are and be clear about the consequences if he is rude or behaving disrespectfully.

Taking away xbox or similar won't work

You can however, treat it as 'earned time' e.g. when behaviour is positive in school, he gets more screen time.

You have to stay on it. All the time.

In my DC school, there is little space for nuance - they are not interested in what's behind the behaviour, and I generally accept this - they are running a big school and they just have to have rules observed. So I am very clear about what is absolutely a red line for me, and what I can live with; I also try very hard to have clear routines in place so that my DS is as organised as possible going to school, and is less likely to get into trouble, that might escalate.

You ask about growing out of it - no, I don't think they do, really, not without hard work from you, and very clear action.

thanks for replyin. i think ur right about xbox not workin cos he just waits til im not lookin n goes on it anyway 🙄 maybe earnin it would work better.

school dont seem to care about why he does it either, they just keep sayin “attitude” n “respect” which i get but its frustratin cos at home he can be lovely. i just dunno why he gets so stroppy in lessons.

i try to keep routines same every mornin but with 3 other kids n bein pregnant it does get hectic. maybe i need to be stricter with him tho cos he’s not takin it serious at all atm.

4 children and another on the way?
Are you struggling for time to actually parent effectively?

You say he just goes on the Xbox when you are not looking, well that’s not removing it from him, is it?
It needs unplugging and taking from him.

i get what ur sayin. i prob do let things slide more than i should cos theres 3 other kids runnin about n im pregnant so im knackered half the time. i do try take the xbox lead away but he kicks off n then iv got the little ones upset too. feels like constant battles some days.

maybe i need to just be firmer n ride out the tantrums til he realises i mean it. easier said than done when ur tryin to juggle everythin tho 😩

I mean this kindly OP but your discipline isn’t working and is not effective. You’ve said you take away his Xbox but then that he still uses it so there has effectively been no consequence for his actions.

if you are pregnant I assume his father - or is it step father?? - is in the picture? Are you and dad on the same page in terms of discipline as find that is so important to present a united front.

with 4 kids and one on the way - how much individual time away from his siblings are you or dad able to spend with him? To be honest a lot of this sounds like a cry for attention.

Xbox in the car boot so locked away.

if he’s going on report then he gets the Xbox when he has a good day on report.

I would agree that punishment at home is not the answer. It happened in school. You can talk to him and ask him what's up. Sounds like it could be attention that he's not getting at home. That should be fairly easy to remedy if you can carve even a few mins here and there, maybe at bedtime to just chat about his day with him directly.

I also agree that while the school may not be interested in finding the solution, you probably should. It could be attention, but also, if it's newish behaviour, it could be trying to fit in due to friend group changes, or bullying, or boredom (back chatting the teacher can often be the smart ones who are quick witted) or just not being settled in class for some reason. Is it possible to pick one of the teachers involved and ask what happened, and what they think prompted it? They might have a good insight if it's recent behaviour change.