Do you let your school refuser go out with friends?

[AKGreys]

My 12 year old is unable to go into school at the moment, she’s saying she’d like to home educate but we’ve not got anything organised yet. Her friends knock for her on the way home from their day at school and I’ve been letting her go out for a few hours.
My gut instinct says keeping up her contact with her school friends is a good thing but I’m not sure if I should be letting her go out while she’s not managing to make it into school?
She has an Autism diagnosis but is not in burnout and at the moment is happy and regulated and wanting to socialise, she just can’t handle the mainstream school environment.

I’m assuming you think she is genuinely unable to cope with school, rather than just trying to get out of it because she can’t be arsed? If so, I don’t see what banning her from seeing her friends would achieve. She would end up further isolated - would she even leave the house most days? It would also make any later return to school or a sixth form college harder if she had lost her friendships.

Thank you that’s exactly my thoughts.
She coped well during primary and didn’t refuse to go very often but since secondary she absolutely hates the environment and hasn’t been in this school year yet. She’s happy to do work at home so I don’t think she just can’t be bothered

I work with teenage ebsa students (in and out of school settings) many of whom are ND. I'd encourage her to maintain contact with her friends and facilitate it where possible.

Social isolation can cause and/or exacerbate mental health difficulties which she's statistically more prone to due to the ASD.

Another yes from me. Keep up the socialising. Otherwise she’ll internalise the idea that she’s being punished for struggling. Along with the obvious missing out on social interaction.

Yes.

Yes, but I’d be filling the days with education.
Museum's, landmark points of interest, budgeting, reading, writing stories, cooking (measurements). Non classroom education.

Im not in this situation but instinctively it’s a big Yes. Contact with friends, “normal” life etc. You get more socially anxious and worried about venturing out when you’re stuck indoors - look how many people struggled post-covid.

So I’d say yes - do clubs and hang out with friends and cycle to the shops and go to the library regularly and LIVE. You don’t need to punish her for struggling.

On the other hand if my dd was home doing nothing she’d have a big list of chores and lots of reading and Duo Lingo and Bitesize or Oak Academy videos to do and limited time online to mess around.

I can't imagine how it would be better for her to be isolated from her peers, unless you think the school refusal is naughtiness/wilfulness that needs to be punished?

Yes, let her keep it up.

I can see where you're coming from but some of our friends had kids (3 different families but all 3 were later diagnosed with a neurodiverse condition) who started to school refuse during/ after lockdown. The one that pretty much lived in the dark in his bedroom thereafter ended up with serious depression. His parents are now worried sick that he might never do stuff like go out and meet friends again.

Socialising, daylight and fresh air are more important for good mental health than we realise.

My autistic child is in burn out. I’ve been told by everyone to encourage socialising. School’s EP ran and dealing with EBSNA session and told everyone to keep the friendships going as it supports attendance.

That's good. Sometimes parents get given very poor advice and even the professionals think it's poor parenting/kids being naughty.

I'm not in this situation but work in a school. My feeling is that for her MH, your daughter needs social interaction with her friends. No good comes from keeping a child away from their peers, especially in this situation. You don't want to isolate her.

You are absolutely doing the right thing OP. If she’s doing the work it’s clearly the environment that’s the issue. Have you looked at alternative schools? Are you able to homeschool? In the interim, I would do what @BreakingBroken suggested and try and fill the days with activities that are educational.

Absolutely not

Yes. I am in same situation except as well as hating school in general, my DD has fallen out with her friends. So returning to school feels a million miles away. Luckily we’ve always had 3 very close family friends outside of school who she counts as her besties (and it’s returned, luckily). But the thought of having zero friends to return to at school is not helping the prospect of return.

I wish my auDHD school-traumatised child wanted to socialise with her peers.

Yes, you have to. Being isolated only adds to the problem.

My teen missed 18 months of school. While she was too mentally poorly to leave the house most of the time I still constantly encouraged her to keep in touch with a couple friends. After about a year she did manage to meet up a couple of times. Now she's at college she seems to be on the mend.

I’m not in this situation, but would be a big yes to letting her see her friends from me.