Someone tell me to stop panicking and chill out

[Elfie23]

Hi all,

I know I need to chill out but just need to write this somewhere.

DD started secondary today. She is one of only 2 children from her primary school, the other being one of the boys she didn’t have much to do with and isn’t in a form with him.

Someone from her sports team is at the same school similar circumstances so they have sort of teamed up and in same form so has a familiar face. They made friends with a couple of others on transition day and summer school so all good.

This includes the friend of someone from primary school. They played in a sports team together and primary girl swapped their numbers so they could chat before secondary. Lots of parents whose girls play on this team tell me P is lovely.
Think P got a new phone from what I remember as after a while the messages didn’t go through but we never got the new number.

P is in a different form but has been with DD at break and lunch today.

Fast forward - Id arranged id pick DD up from the shops nearby as was raining all day.
She got there really quickly. Said she was meant to wait for P to walk out together she apparently ‘waited ages’ and didn’t want to wait longer in the rain. P didn’t know if she was being picked up by parents or not. (Not sure if they got let out early but she was with me 5 mins after the official finish time)

I said to DD maybe she should see if she can get the right number to text her and say sorry I didn’t wait longer was getting wet or whatever - she’s text the old number and not made effort to ask the other girls if they have the new one.

DD doesn’t seem fussed and just said ‘oh I’ll speak to her tomorrow’

Ive not said anymore as don’t want to be pushy.

I know need to stop overthinking but I so want her to have a good group of friends.
She had a group at primary but they were very clicky at times and she’d always be the one left out.

Id love her to have a good group of nice friends and don’t want any dramas - too much to ask I’m sure of 11 year old girls!!

You are overthinking it, but I know I would be 100% the same, so I'm not being critical. It's funny how when it's not you & your kid, you can read something like this and see that it's not a big deal. To be honest I find it one of the most helpful things about MN - it reminds me to try to keep perspective on stuff (not easy though!).

Yep, you are overthinking.

as a mum of now young adults there will be dramas along the way a good group of friends or not.

she sounds like she’s a good solid girl.

Thank you both - I need to get over myself I’m sure it’ll all be fine 🙈🤞

They can be incredibly cavalier with each other over this kind of thing, I’ve discovered (DD is 15). It’s fine.

DD1 was on her own in a large comp in y7. She is also rather nerdy, so not everyone's cup of tea (although I think she is great, obviously). She very quickly had a lovely group of friends. So much so, that when it came to 6th form, she was offered a place in a super selective grammar but decided to stay in the comp due to nice friends and also good teachers.

Thank you!
They do seem pretty blunt sometimes and I’m like wowww but it seems to be sort of normal? Good to hear from someone who has a slightly older DD to tell me this is normal x

I was an anxiety ridden mess at the start of Yr 7 but really tried not to project that onto DD.
She was only 1 from her primary who went to her secondary but within a couple of weeks she had found friends and by end of first half term had a solid group of good friends. Starting Yr 9 and they are still best friends and have an amazing time together.
So I completely understand where you are coming from

Its day 1...its natural to feel anxious but she will sort herself out. Really.

I think we look at our kids situations from an adult prospective and worry too much. I know how you feel though. My DD starts Y7 tomorrow and isn't in a form with anyone from her primary school. She's also not even in the school she wanted. All her friends are going to the under performing school and we opted for the outstanding school. She's not happy at all.

She will be fine, new opportunity to make a fresh start

You’re completely right we do.

I hope your DD has a lovely day tomorrow, I’m sure there will be others in the same boat and they’ll join forces xx

This is what they are like in year 7, she just wanted to come to you. Honestly leave it be, it will all work out. It’s all so big and new and different at secondary - they don’t know where they are who where to say to meet. It will settle x

You are definitely overthinking this. Let her do it her way and only offer suggestions when asked. Friendships change from primary school anyway as do the children. She ll' be fine. Leave it a week at least before you start asking questions!!

I totally get it

my youngest DD starts year 7 on Thursday and I’m so nervous for her

Leave her be. You can’t micrpmansge secondary friends. She sounds like she is doing great.

Seriously take a huge step back. To say you are overthinking it is an understatement.

Beyond a non issue and you are far too over invested. It’s going to e a very long five years in senior school if this is day 1.

Please don’t put your worries on your daughter who is probably very likely non plussed.

Just leave her be and don’t helicopter.
She’ll be fine, she doesn’t need her mother choosing her friends, let her do her own thing, it’s day one for goodness sake, she’ll make friends and break friendships over the next six years, it’s all part of growing up.
The worst thing you can do is start judging her friends, my mother did that all the time, so annoying and upsetting to hear your mother judge, insult and belittle your choice of friends.
I didn’t care what my friends background was, how rich or poor their situation, what their parents did or didn’t do, I did care that my mother thought they were beneath me and not good enough, not brought up the right way or the hundreds of other things she found fault with.
Leave her to make her own choices, some will turn out to become lifelong friends and some won’t, either way, she along with everyone else will find out which is which!.

I needed to read all of this! Dd started year 7 today and only has one boy from primary in her class, she hated primary school and year 6 was pretty awful so I have so much anxiety about secondary! I’m keeping quiet and not projecting anything onto her but it’s really bloody hard!

It's her first week at secondary! Please chill out! She has years to get this sorted.

Sounds like you're overthinking this, unless your dd is autistic or has social anxiety disorder etc. I understand that neurotypical girls can make friends pretty easily, even if they are a bit shy and nervous in a new situation. Also, if she's been part of sports teams in the past, it's highly likely she'll be part of them in her current school as well, especially if she is sporty. Team players know how to make friends. Try not to worry :)

Right there with you my daughter starts today now and she my last and I think I'm more worried than her even though we had to take her school today to pick up ipads and had to leave her lots of kids with friends and she was alone as we didn't see her friend and thought she was going cry but she came out happy but I'm still worried about her as she has a.d.d hope all goes well for you x

An 11 year old is far from a young adult. 😕

My DDs are 15 and 20, both of them made friends very quickly when they first got to secondary, then very quickly drifted and made different friends. They're all desperate for anyone to talk to in that first week or so, but then as they settle in, they start to get to know other kids, and start to make their real friends. She sounds very sensible and level-headed - just leave her to it.

And it doesn't end after the first few weeks of year 7 either - everyone is changing so much during those 5 years. Both my DDs have had 3 or 4 completely different friendship groups over the 5 years they were there. I'd say it only settled down around half way through Y10 into Y11. Get used to it. There will be dramas - get used to that as well, and don't get involved unless it's really bad - just be a listening ear, and give gentle advice if requested. The main advice being to never say horrible things to someone, especially in written messages.

The worst thing are children who stick with that very first person they meet because they're too shy/scared to make other friends (or are forced to stick with them by a parent?!), and then end up being bullied by the first person they met, because the first person they met knows the friendship has ran its course and doesn't want them hanging around any more.

I'm very proud that my DDs realised when friendships were souring, and ended it - it tells me that they have strong, healthy boundaries and won't be treated like shit by anyone. Your DD sounds the same, she's doing the right thing. The other girl hasn't given her her new phone number - a strong sign that she doesn't want the friendship to carry on, and your DD doesn't seem bothered either, probably because she's already talking to other kids and making new friends. I bet they both want to ditch walking home together, because they don't really get on, but don't know how to end it gracefully.

I have 3DC at secondary school (2DDs and a DS) and have learnt the hard way that (unless there is bullying or they are deeply unhappy) that you need to leave them be to find their own way through. One of my DDs has stayed with the same group of friends from primary school (now going into 6th form). The other has bounced between numerous friendship groups, in an attempt to ‘find her tribe’. She’s going into Y9 now, and has a steady-ish group of friends although there have been a few hiccups over the summer. It’s very easy to get emotionally overinvested, but I don’t think it helps us or them. What I’ve found most useful is them knowing that I am physically and emotionally available if they want to talk anything through, whilst not pressing for information.
One thing I’ve noticed is how differently my son forms friendships compared to my daughters’. A new boy recently joined their friendship group and I asked him how he’d got to know him. DS answered ‘well, he always brought a football into school, and we wanted to play football at break’ - job done!

Good luck to your DD (and to you!) as she starts this next phase of her life - I’m sure you will both be fine 😊

Just to say that 11 year old are NOT young adults, they're chidren. Childhood goes quickly enough as it is.