Secondary school conflict

[Anon444]

Our son is adamant that he doesn’t want to attend the secondary school we have been allocated. (It was our first choice but not his). It has caused huge conflict. We genuinely believe the school will be a good fit for him. He is anxious as he doesn’t know anyone else going there. For context he goes to a very small primary school and his current friends are dispersed across grammar and other schools which we are out of catchment for. His preferred choice is solely driven on a couple of boys from his primary attending, we are very against this as it has a bad reputation for behaviour issues and bullying. There is a potential compromise subject to there being a place for him on waiting lists. Wwyd?

Stick to your guns as he’s 11 and therefore not able take a long term view.
It’s unlikely your son will even be friends with these boys in his preferred school as these things change a lot in secondary. By October half term he will have moved on.

This is not what you want to hear but.

We had a pupil that didn't want to go to the school that he parents chose.
He wanted to go to the school that his friends went to.
He tried absolutely everything to to go to the school that he wanted to, general poor behaviour, disruption, truanting etc.
We tried all sorts to get him settled and had various options for other schools that were better than the one that he wanted to go to.
In the end he was permanently excluded from our school and never did end up at the school that he wanted to be at.

It may be that a compromise is best.

@FrippEnos weirdly a boy has just joined DS year 7 class for that very reason as far as I can tell (he used to be in DS primary school best friends class at his old one)

@Anon444 has he had a taster day how did he find it? Both of mine have made new friends

for me it would be give it a go and see there is plenty of movement in high schools so definitely look to the other school as well but give the first one a go

He was very resistant to going in for the induction day. It took me an hour to get him through the gate. His dad picked him up and says he couldn’t stop talking about all the things he had done and also came out chatting to another boy. But now he has reverted to saying he doesn’t want to go there and making up stories about fights (these slightly change every time he mentions so we suspect it isn’t true). He can give us no concrete reasons why another school is right for him other than that he doesn’t want to go somewhere where he knows no one. Which I totally get his anxiety about. Just noting that the compromise school is being attended by boys that he has had some issues with this year.

I would be quite 'light' about it. Say that you want him to give it a term as its a better school, but if he's not happy by Christmas then he can move. It's good to give new things a go, even if you're anxious, otherwise you don't know. Hopefully he'll forget about it if he starts liking his new school and making friends in first term.

He sounds stubborn and used to getting his own way if he digs his heels in. Does he do that a lot or is school the only thing he's ever been so opinionated about? Best way to deal with that is to distract with summer holiday plans and make them think they're getting their own way, albeit in your time. It will help his anxiety to know he has a get out clause at Christmas.

First off ring the other school just to check if there are places and if there is some slack to move if needed.
speak to the current school about his concerns and see what they suggest - DS and his primary friend were tasked to look after a boy who didn’t know anyone and it worked he settled well and is still part of their larger friendship group
talk to your son about giving it time as well to settle friendships change st this age and quickly