Help - Daughter unhappy at new school

[AlfaRomeo]

My daughter has recently moved schools to an all girls school in Yr 8 and the form and friendship group won’t include her despite her trying so hard to fit in. They have a group chat she is only one not part of and they all go out together but don’t include her. They have done other things making her feel totally alone and she is so sad - I just don’t know how to help her as she won’t let me talk to the school and thinks if she talks to the girls it will make it worse. Any advice gratefully received x

Quote
React
Add postReport

Definitely tell the school! But if nothing changes I would move her. You can still easily move in Years 8/9 without it affecting GCSES. I would also reconsider sending her to an all girls school as girls at those schools tend to be even more cliquey and mean from what I hear.

Ask her to spend time with the girls on the outside of the group, there will be others.

Also talk to the school in confidence and ask them to do some reflective group work without naming your DD or naming the people excluding.

@AlfaRomeo Encourage your daughter to join extra curricular clubs - those children who participate are more likely to be “her people” because they are choosing to do something with a common interest.

I would also drop her form teacher and head of year a message to say she’s struggling. Make it clear to them your daughter didn’t want you to contact them - they are used to dealing with things subtly.

Y8 and Y9 are the worst years for friendships in a girls life. It’s when all the drama and fallings out happen. Friendships can be rather transient and it’s only towards the end of Y9 that things start to settle. I have worked with many teen girls over the years and it’s the same everywhere.

I’m sorry her move hasn’t been as smooth as you hoped, but with some help and refocus on where to find friends, I’d hope she can get through it.

@XelaM Absolute tosh that girls are more cliquey at an all girls school. Girls can be cliquey and mean in any environment. Same with eating disorders. It’s usually the type of school or demographic that contributes to behaviour. The worst mean girl experience I have come across was in a very affluent coed boarding school. Worst for mental health was a very academic all girls day school with huge pressure from parents in the background to achieve. It’s unhelpful to generalise all schools.

Does why you moved schools have any baring on how your daughter is feeling?

I would me tion to school that she is currently struggling to find friends. And yes to the clubs.

If you have really just moved, could you move back to her pervious school? Or on to another one?

How long has she been there? We had a new girl move to my form when I was in Y8 and we were all so horrible to her at first, purposefully didn’t include her and were generally unfriendly. My friends and I were not typically mean girls but for some reason we refused to accept her initially. I can’t really remember what changed but by Y9 she was one of my best friends, we all included her in my friend group and she was fully part of it for the rest of the time in school. You say the move was recent, If it’s only been a few weeks give it more time and hopefully things will settle. Will forms/ classes be moved around come September?

Why did she move?

How long has she been there?

Is she missing her old school?
If its a through girls school some of those children could of been friends since 4 years old and that is hard to break into the friendship.

Can she move forms?
Some girls schools are not the best - id be temped to look for a back up school / another option and even if its co ed as you will still be able to move for yr9 without any disruption to gcse if there are spaces.

(Aside I moved my boy from a boys school year 8 he absolutely hated it to co ed as he was totally miserable at the boys school now he is a different boy so happy in the co ed). Some times it's the school or can be a difficult class / year group but there is still an option to jump schools. Even look at day places in a boarding school don't let her be unhappy. But she must only have days left now and its the worst with sports days / awards - its the final slog.

Good luck

We had a new girl in year 9 and the form teacher nominated two of us to look after her at the start. We're all good friends 30 years later. It sounds like they didn't have a plan in place to bed her in and have let her down. I agree with mentioning it to the school.

How big is the form, is she sure they are all in the same WhatsApp group? Is she trying to break into one specific friendship group?

Absolutely let her form tutor know she’s struggling. Also bolster any out of school clubs - Guides, dance, youth club, whatever it is she fancies.

Is the move due to house move or job relocation? If it is from a school she is settle to an all girls school, would the coed aspect be an issue? I would start asking around for other schools in area if they have spaces and go visit with her as a back up plan.

Do you think there would be a similar issue if she moved again? It’s always hard to get into an established group.