12yo DD wants to move school - stuck on whether to do it

[NotDarkGothicMama]

DD is in year 7. We went to the open evenings of three local schools with her and talked through what she liked about each one before applying in year 6. Happily, she loved our older DS's school, really wanted to go there and got a place.

She's been there from the start of year 7 in September but keeps asking to move to the other school she liked. She's made friends but there have been some friendship issues (not bullying, just finding it hard with her best friend from junior school also making new friends). This is the main impetus for her wanting to move as she also has friends in school 2 who she now spends more time with out of school. The other reasons are that school 2 offers a language she wants to study and has a big art department, whereas school 1 just has one art classroom.

School 1 is excellent: great leadership, strong GCSE results and good student engagement. School 2 is in the same academy trust and is similarly good.

My concern is that she will move, find that the grass isn't any greener and want to move back. Friendships are always tricky in transition, she's missed a whole year of learning the language she wants to study, and getting up a bit earlier so she can catch the bus is going to get old quickly once the novelty's worn off. I've said all of the above but she's adamant she wants to go.

I've spent so long thinking about it that now it's time to apply I don't know which is the right decision. Any advice?

I used to be a year 7/8 form tutor, and summer of year 7 was always a nightmare with the girls' friendships. New friendships would begin to take off, and the old best friend would be distraught. Sooner or later things would settle again; jumping ship shouldn't be necessary. It was never a problem with the boys, because they didn't have this "best friend" fixation - if they made new friends they just had more friends.
(I actually think there's a lot to be said for them not being in the same form group as their best friend, because then both make new friends, and it's easier to keep both friendships - there's their new friend they sit next to in class, and their old friend they walk to school/catch the bus with. There's much less feeling of rejection.)

The other reasons might be valid, but as you say, catching up the language will be a challenge. Can she demonstrate the will to do that by getting going with duolingo or similar? (A kid I know who switched school in year 8 managed to catch up reasonably quickly by putting some time in on duolingo as soon as she knew she would be moving.)

Thankyou, that's good to hear. She's been struggling with friendships all year. She made friends but doesn't seem to have a consistent group. I spoke with her from tutor just before half term and she said she spends a lot of breaks on her own. I feel so sad for her. She says she just wants a fresh start and to look forward to school.

'the grass is greener' is a logical fallacy that we're all susceptible to, for sure, and a yr 7 kid will usually be even less well equipped to spot it than we adults are.

but then kids do sometimes find themselves in a really bad place at a school.

not sure I can offer advice, maybe a little solidarity.

I think she has some pretty clear reasons for wanting to move so I’d let her move. But make it clear she can’t change her mind again.

I would let her move. No matter what if you say no she will always remember and probably be a bit resentful you didn't let her try the other school.
It sounds like she is already struggling so why not see if things improve elsewhere.

The reasons for moving seem pretty solid to me, I would support her to do it. Maybe a tutor for the language she’ll need to catch up on?

move her now don’t leave it. Maybe she just needs the fresh start away from old friendships she’s outgrown, it’s hard to reinvent yourself if you’re with people who’ve known you a long time. Academically she’ll do well or she won’t but keeping her where she’s told you she doesn’t want to be definitely won’t help.

This is very, very normal I’m sorry to say right up until the end of year 9. KS3 girls are a nightmare with friendship groups and I can say with almost certainty that it’ll be no different in another school

I remember friendships in high school <shudder>

I've asked her to make a list of pros and cons. I want her to really think about it and be happy with her decision rather than jump into it fir an easy out.

Let her choose. She's the one that has to spend the hours there.

I’m assuming there are places in the second school.

There aren't places at the moment but we live in a big town with lots of transient communities so it's likely there will be a place in September.

Ds1 was similar. He wanted to move from early in y7 for similar reasons. He was allowed first to change class which helped a bit but changed school at the end of y7 and really thrived at the new school.

I would let her move because it sounds like she’s thought about it properly, but make it clear she needs to stick to the new school and not move again

I have really strong opinions on this. My mum didn’t let me moves schools when I was in S2, and i was having a seriously shite time. Got my own kids now, and 1/3 has moved in the middle of year 8 and we never looked back. He’s so much happier.

I changed schools for similar reasons at that age and it really was for the best. My parents only heard a small amount about how I was actually feeling about the school. When you start feeling like an outcast you start making yourself smaller and meeker. She's telling you she will be more comfortable moving, she wants a fresh start.
I'd let her.

I don’t think people move their kids often enough. She’s telling you it isn’t right, she has good reason - move her if you can

Also changing school is a really good time to reinvent yourself a bit and get out of the rut of expectations that may have arisen from both peers and staff. Might be the making of her.

If she's adamant about leaving it might be a positive new start for her if a space comes up. Maybe work out may not, but at least she's had the opportunity. Maybe she could use the summer to learn the language she is interested in.

She's said this too, that she's gotten herself into some behaviours that she'd prefer to leave behind.

I think that's the clincher for me. I've started the process. Fingers crossed they have a space and she loves it there. We'll get her on Duolingo over the summer (having purposely booked holidays so she and DS can practice the language taught by school 1 🤦‍♀️).

She sounds really sensible and like she has really thought about it. Best of luck to you both!

My dd struggled in year 7, for similar reasons. Her bf from primary school was in a different form group and quickly made new friends and dumped my dc (really cruelly) despite them doing an intensive sport together outside school for the same club. We did look at changing schools at the end of year 7, but as she was moving from grammar to grammar she had to take another entrance exam and didn’t want to. A year later she now has a new bf and a nice group of friends. It’s not perfect but that’s teen girls for you! My dc wouldn’t have had any friends at any other school though.

so, it’s a tough decision and I think your dd would likely find a good friend group but I understand it’s awful to imagine her alone at lunchtimes etc. in your situation I’d put her on the list for the school she wants and see what happens.