Private vs state

[Amber2025]

Hi all.

New to Mumsnet so nice to meet everyone.

I have a bit of a dilemma when it comes to education.

To set the scene I have an 11 year old son with diagnosed ADHD and about to be assessed for ASD who is about to go to secondary school (we had acceptance for our first choice of school which is great).

Im separated from my sons dad (have been for a while now) and Co parenting has been ok-ish (we speak when needed - his choice not mine) and we had agreed on the school choice.

Today the dad has reached out suggesting that we privately educate our son and they will fund his education (grandparents on dads side are going to pay).

I’m torn between this being a really good opportunity for my son and because of the education he will get, and whether or not he will be fully accepted.

we don’t come from money at all and without grandparents funding this it would never have been a thing. I worry that from a class perspective (we’re very much low middle class) he might get bullied as he won’t have been afforded the privileges his new peers would likely have.

My son struggles with bullying in primary school so decided to choose a secondary school there the kids from his school wouldn’t be attending to get away from the bullying.

I’ve been told that we would need to make a decision swiftly as induction days will be starting in April.

I’m really struggling to decide what is best for him. No one I know has privately educated their children. Even on his dads side, they don’t know of anyone so we have nothing to compare against.

I would be very, very wary of being beholden to grandparents on this for 7 years. What if they die? Change their minds? Think your DS should pick history when he wants to do art? Go into care and need the money for fees?

I would not. You got the school
you wanted, which you selected carefully to meet your specific criteria.

You cannot afford the fees on your own, so would be beholden to people who aren’t necessarily ‘on your side’. They may also die and then where would you be with fees?

The fees aren’t then only cost. who is paying the fortune for uniform, special bags, lunch (often not included), exam fees, music lessons, materials, etc etc etc?

You only have an ok relationship for coparenting, and this would change the dynamic a fair bit. All relationships have a power dynamic - do you want your ex to have more power?

I would start at state as planned (which your son is also expecting). If it does not work out, you can always look again.

These are exactly my concerns.

My ex’s parents have a fair amount of money and always underpin things for my ex at the minute (they pay for holidays, school uniform, trips etc..). They have a family run business where my ex works that is extremely profitable. They most certainly are not on my side, so I do feel that this is a power dynamic move because they can easily afford this and not bat an eyelid, knowing that the additional costs are things I would struggle with.

I feel like I’m in a no win situation with this. Because I know that it will be constantly throw n in my face if I don’t let him go.

There was an advice on a similar thread - if they are serious, they can put the estimate amount in a trust fund set in a way you can manage it.

I think the answer to this question depends on the private school(s) that are being considered. You already know what the state school is like, so with that in mind, you need to see (with your son), whether or not he prefers the private schools. Although I'm not all about putting the pressure of that decision on an 11 year old, I do think that it is useful to see what they seem to respond to, and that can help you to imagine him in those different environments.

I wanted to address some of your points. My husband and I are both state educated. Our kids have been in a mix of state and private schools. Private schools are not a one size fits all (and neither are State, but I think there is a lot more difference in some private schools than people assume). Some have very mixed cohorts, and a very down-to-earth feel - supported by a very strong bursary and scholarship system (although for many, that is sadly reducing because of VAT/NI changes). Others have more of a 'reputation', and will have the expensive cars and a lot more explicit money. I would say that often kids do tend to have more ready money than in State school. But given the different types of private school out there, you need to visit the potential options and see what you think.

In terms of where your son will feel at home (or be accepted), I think that is very much down to the school. He might benefit from smaller class sizes and a more personalised approach, which is often more readily available in private. However, it depends on the nature of the school, and you need to make sure that they embrace neurodivergence with open arms, and are ready to put that extra work in to support your son as he settles in. If there are clubs that align with his interests (in either type of school), that might help him to find his tribe. I think that it can sometimes be easier for private schools to support those extra curriculars (extra money, extra staff), but it the case for everything.

I hear what people are saying about grandparents dying, but if they have enough money in life to pay for it, that money won't vanish if they die (given there is, generally between two people, up to £1million inheritance tax free, if the house is passed on children). I would just, sensitively, ask how that money will be put aside and if it will potentially be put into the will that that money should be set aside for your son's continued education (in trust or something). I think that you could perhaps sensitively do that by talking about the importance of continuity of experience for him if (god forbid) anything unforeseen happened.

Long and short is that I wouldn't rule it out because I don't think that acceptance in a private school is any more about money than it is in a state school. It could turn out to be better for your son. BUT it could also not, it is about what the schools are like. Go exploring, and either way it is great you have your first choice school secured, because you have nothing at all to lose by considering your other options (at first without your son, but then if you like them you can bring him into the conversation).

Why not go see the different options and explain your son’s profile to the various private schools? It’s an opportunity most would jump at in an instant given the dire state of affairs in most state secondaries. I think you need to go tour them before you turn it down.

We have a ds similar who we moved to a private school and he is doing so much better there. I would go and see the school. Feel free to pm me if you want - happy to tell you what we looked out for when going round. Not all private schools are suitable for ND children.

Usually, private schools do not really have the resourses to support ADHD and ASD. Many people think 'paying for it' will be a great idea but the reality is that independent schools, unless they demostrate and specialise otherwise, are not really geared up for much beyond mainstream.

If your son's need are very mild, a private school might work fine, especially if he's sporty. Private schools provide smaller class sizes and quieter environments as well as a wider range of 'soft' subjects.

But if he has any needs beyond minor adaptations, state school will be better prepared to support him.

I wonder why this is being raised now, not a few months ago

I think viewing the school may put me at ease. He’s had a real tough time so far at school, his ND has caused him to have issues socially to the point that it’s taken until year 6 for him to make any friends at all.

Because he is different (he internalises everything to the point he breaks down in tears and struggles to regulate his emotions) I just panic that he might be set back after he’s made such good progress this year.

They don’t say much in the prospectus about SEN support so that’s something I will look into. It’s a catholic school (and we certainly are not religious either)

I really appreciate everyone’s advise and it’s great to hear other peoples experiences and perspectives.

I’ve gone through the motions of being shocked, scared, sad, excited and worried. What a rollercoaster!

This is my point exactly! When we were viewing schools originally he had no desire what so ever to attend the open days, he’s never been to a parents evening nor has he taken a proactive approach to homework or anything…in fact I can count on one hand the amount of times he’s completed homework at his dads. All of this has affected his ability to spell and write (spellings and handwriting are practiced at home at his current school) as we split custody 50/50

Of cpurse it is chool dependent but i would not worry about your child not being rich or posh enough BUT unless I had no other option I would be very reluctant to send my child Private if I was relying on someone else to pay it.

I don't think you can answer the question without visiting the school/s in question, meeting the staff and getting a proper feel for the place - and your son's opinion on the matter. And I don't think that anyone who genuinely has your son's best interests at heart would expect you to rush such an important decision. Some private schools are brilliant at dealing with additional needs, others would be a disaster. Some are indeed full of the super rich and your relatively modest means may make things difficult for your son, others are mainly populated with the children of comfortably off but "normal" people where nobody would bat an eyelid - you need to see the school/s for yourself and make your own judgement.
Also, aside from the grandparents finances I'd also want to look at how financially stable the private schools are. The last thing you would want is to give up the state place in favour of a private school that goes bust leaving you potentially stuck with a worse state option than the one you now have. Several private schools in our area have gone under in recent years, even before the VAT issues so in your shoes I would want to be sure as far as you can be, that the school I chose was thriving and not likely to leave me in the lurch in a year or two.

This does bother me as well. And I do feel like they would love to have something over me. If I struggled affording my side of the school trips or groups etc…I think they’d revel in it

I think that you should address that upfront so they agree to meet potential additional costs that would be associated with it, including potentially more expensive uniform, trips, music lessons etc. The Trust idea is great. But all of it is dependent on it being the right school. Some private might be better and some worse for your sons needs and you need to interrogate whether it would be better. The good thing about doing that is they can’t accuse you of dismissing a potentially positive offer out of hand, and you can decide if you think it would be better for your son.

That’s a great way to look at it. I’ll arrange a visit and go armed with lots of questions (I did the same when choosing a state school tbf). I doubt that any research has really been done into the school to see if it’s a good for for HIM. it’s a local private school so I doubt they’ve looked around.

Are the grandparents catholic?

I don't think that anyone who genuinely has your son's best interests at heart would expect you to rush such an important decision

just to emphasise this - if you feel you’re being railroaded, you are!

You need to really know what the private school is like, to know whether it will be a good fit for your son. We looked at six private and three state secondaries when considering where to send our ADHD child. Four of the private schools would have been highly unsuitable and not benefitted him at all - high expectations, tight behavioural policy, strict uniform and kit regulations etc. the one we opted for is small, more child-focused and accommodating to different educational needs. It's not a special needs school, but understands varying needs, and DS is thriving.

My point is, not every private school with be a better choice, and you really need to choose carefully, if you do consider that route.

No the grandparents aren’t catholic. No one across either family is religious

This is true. And the only argument he’s had back to me is that he only wants the very best for our son and that this will benefit him academically…as if I don’t want the same. At the same time he’s never taken an interest in his education, nor going to any hospital appointment while we’ve been waiting YEARS for the NHS diagnosis. All the while they could have put money towards getting him the help he’s needed privately. Blows my mind. Then again…it’s also likely that the grandparents are doing this to avoid tax payments

Thank you for this. I agree, I need to go and see the school. They offer both boarding and day school options..we wouldn’t be boarding…that’s a big no for me. And they do have a section around SEND on the website, but doesn’t really give much information.

Go and have a look and have frank conversations.

The way SEND currently is in state schools - and the direction it is going, if you can find a private school that is a good fit for him, then grab it with both hands.

If your son was NT then I might have different advice, but as a parent of a ND child (ADHD plus dyslexia) currently in Y11, things were pretty good in primary and it got a whole lot harder in secondary. We were fortunate to have a very good fit in our state secondary but there were very specific reasons why that was the case.

In terms of not fitting in, there is likely to be a wide range of backgrounds at the private school - just as there are at state schools. We tend to run to a couple of weeks in Cornwall holiday wise, definitely not Maldives or skiing - plenty of DD's class mates are doing skiing and somewhere exotic every summer.

We looked at one of the more expensive private boarding schools for DD back in Y6. At the open day we were put on a table for lunch with the Y12 girls. I asked something about bursaries and one girl said she was on a 100% funded bursary place - the other girls had had no idea until that moment despite living with her for 3 years, and thought it was both seriously cool and that she must be super smart! Kids honestly aren't that bothered as to what others do or don't have. And at school they're all in the same uniform, same PE kit etc

Go and look at it. Ask to speak to the sendco too.

Ask for the money to be put in trust if you go for it.