Ds moving to private school in London. Will he feel “poor”?

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We are not poor. DH and I both work, have professional jobs and good salaries, but have opted for private school for DS on the advice of his state primary. He also really wanted to. He got a place and he’s very excited - but I’m now worried that all the families will be very wealthy and DS might feel out of place!

What are London private schools like? Full of money people or are there some London professional working families there too? We don’t drive a fancy car, we don’t go on long-haul holidays. We live in a flat in a really nice area, and it’s a lovely flat, but it’s not a house.

I also don’t know anyone whose children go to private school atm, and I went to a very crappy school! So feeling a little unsure.

It depends on the school. Some private schools have lots coming from state or private prep with bursaries or French system etc and not flashy. It would help having a school uniform since those without tend to get into designers streetwear.
No one judges since secondary are less parents at gate chatting after school drop off or pickup. Most families too busy in London with working.

I think there are huge differences also in London. Where is the school?
My DC will also be the “poor” one at a private secondary, I don’t even think about it. She is hugely privileged compared to 90% of children in the world and it’s our job as parents to instill these values. There will always be people who have more than you or nicer clothes or better holidays.

My friends DDs are at a private school in Chelsea, both parents work and have a small flat in London. Seems like a lot of families are wealthier, FT nannies, mums who pick up in Chanel, holidays homes, etc but the kids love their school and have lots of friends.

Did you get a bursary? If not you must know there will be people poorer than you.

Depends on the school though as some attract the ££££

Different schools attract different types of parents and most schools are a mixture of very wealthy and 2 x parents working hard to put them through private school. Central London less so as it tends to be more wealthy and more transient as people locate in and out the city for work. Also the higher the fees, the richer the parents (generally).
if it helps, we are both sacrificing holidays, cars etc for the kids schooling. We never go abroad and our car is 10 years old - but at our kids schools this is not a big deal.
if you can name the school, we can give you some more specific advice

I think most London private school parents are pretty normal - both parents work although mums may get to stay home longer in the early years, but the mums still tend to be professionals with careers they go back to eventually...

And I don't see much Chanel and Lamborghinis, the main signs of wealth are the holidays - skiing at Christmas/Feb, holiday houses they go to in the summer, etc. But the children don't care and certainly do NOT rank each other based on such things. They like the nice kids and don't like the arsehole kids, and that's nothing to do with money ... although I guess being a spoilt rich kid is more likely to make you an arsehole and hence unpopular 😆

Private London schools vary massively. Some have a vast cohort of normal parents and some seem a bit more high net worth. But generally no one knows because you never really see each other. My kids go to private and I don't send them on any of the expensive trips etc and hasn't really made a difference as far as I can tell

Have lots of friends with DC in London private schools.

They live in modest houses, have very old cars, and holidays are camping rather than flying off to ski or an summer on safari.

Lots have one child in private (on a scholarship and/or bursary) and one in state.

They're a pretty similar demographic to lots of the families at DD's London comp, only there the kids are going skiing or on long haul summer holidays as the parents aren't forking out for school fees!

In both schools there will be a wide range, not everyone will be able to afford the school trips, and you will have no idea what cars people drive as they either rarely go near school or take public transport!

My DSs school ranged from the sons of pop stars (and I mean stars) to boys whose parents had taken out a second mortgage to pay the fees. These days there also boys whose GPs are paying the fees, not the parents. There is always a wide range. We made good use of the second hand clothes sales. I was working but would send DS to school with cash and tell him what he needed to buy. Boys don’t care about money. They make friends according to their interests - sport, music etc. I wish him joy in his new school.

I think it does depend heavily on the school. There's a couple of things to bear in mind - at secondary you genuinely hardly ever see the parents. Kids get themselves there, and home again. So there isn't the parents in designer gear at the school gate nonsense unless you are actually in a leafy suburb. Parents who drop by car are usually actively discouraged by their kids to drop them at the gate.

School uniform sales are well attended by most. The uniforms cost a flipping fortune, the kids are growing quickly and bits are always going missing so they are usually very well attended.

There are always kids whose parents are loaded. In every school. You'll only hear about them if their children are a nightmare, or you have a car mad child who talks about the car they've been dropped off in. By Dad, once a month at best.

I did see a comedy one where the Dad dropped his three kids off in a porsche with the tiny backseats, had to peel the kids out of the backseat and schoolbags out from under the bonnet boot. There was much amusement from parents that he couldn't possibly be seen in the family car despite the fact it took twice as long to unload them all with cars queuing up behind. This was at primary though and not in central London. My experience is most people walk or jump on the bus as it's a whole lot faster and they are usually going on to the office.

He could have had a business meeting straight after so had to drive a porsche :)

Never noticed any comparing of wealth at my son’s school. As long as they have a PlayStation or XBox they’ll fit in just fine

My oldest had friends who always caught the bus rather than the tube as although the bus took longer it was free - she caught the bus with her friend. Lots of children on bursaries or children whose parents have decided not to go on holiday & send their children to private schools. Local state secondary had the same trips overseas for students.

We're not rich and mine have never struggled to fit in at their London private schools. We live in a house but in a slightly cheaper area, a number of their friends live in flats. We have one 15 year old car that is falling to pieces. We do go on holiday but it's eurocamp in Europe rather than the maldives and skiing is in cheaper smaller resorts not the three valleys. We both work.

Depends. We are not poor but we live in a 3-bed terrace and some of DD’s friends live in big piles and have much more glamorous lives. And some don’t, as we keep pointing out, but occasionally she wails about it.

Lots of children on bursaries or children whose parents have decided not to go on holiday

How many actually fit in the "we don't holiday so can afford 28k a year on fees" category?

This. Some of his cohort may spend the Spring half-term skiing and the summer in their holiday home, but things will be much the same for them at school. I'd be happier to know they all wear standard uniform sports kit and trainers, rather than expensive versions.

We are one of the families where both parents have to work super hard to send our dd to a well regarded private school in the Kensington and Chelsea Borough, we are both well paid professional and there is a mix of wealthy, old money, but majority are dual working professionals. In fact we don’t even see a lot of the parents as they are picked up by their nanny (in the morning everyone is in a hurry so it’s always hi and bye) or in after school care

Most people actually live in flats but some of them are massive flats over 1000 sq ft in prime location so we do feel a bit embarrassed by our modest flat in comparison. A few people have houses but those parents are the mega wealthy old money ones.

We are probably the poorest in our cohort judging by their flats or by their overseas holidays to places like Maldives (we travel to Europe only) or being able to send 3 kids to private and have a housekeeper and mum stays at home, but it has never stopped us from having play dates and being invited to parties etc and most mums and dads have been super nice and friendly (there are a couple of parents who are cliquey but most are lovely).

We as parents are self conscious but I wouldn’t worry about it at all, the children don’t care at all. Having a school uniform really helps as it puts everyone on the same footing (and the kids aren’t allowed jewellery or mobile etc). We haven’t seen anyone who is chauffeur driven at our school, mostly nanny pickup then catching the bus/tube or parents picking up with their car (bmw/merc, a few drive range rovers) but nothing like a Rolls Royce rolling up

IME, there will be the occasional DC who talks about their swimming pool or their chauffeur. And there’s an awful lot of long haul holidays and skiing, so few friends around in the holidays. I found that being clear that as parents we made different choices about spending than some of their friends parents - not better or worse, just different - was enough to manage it. Also being very confident in front of DC that they deserve to be there, because they passed the exam, and anyone who judges their house/clothes/holiday is sending a clear signal that they’re not good friend material.

My DC are largely unbothered by any comparisons, and in fact rather pitied the ones who were always driven places and never got to go anywhere independently.

We did at one point get a bit of wistfulness about the seemingly endless new, branded, trendy clothes and shoes that a few (small minority) had - but then DC looked up the prices and figured out it was bad value for money and how to get dupes or cheap secondhand versions on Vinted. Which gave a lot of satisfaction and a habit of saving up and careful shopping, which I think is a good thing to learn.

Different schools attract different types of parents and most schools are a mixture of very wealthy and 2 x parents working hard to put them through private school. Also the higher the fees, the richer the parents (generally).

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