Anyone else have a child struggling in year 7?

[Orangebadger]

DD is in year 7 at a local state school, half way through yr 7 and she absolutely hates it. Started off good, then became OK and now hates it. Denies any bullying of any kind, academically is doing well apart from maths where she is really going backwards ( now having private tutoring). She tells me that she finds the school very negative with a big focus on demerits and detentions. She herself has had none, in many ways she is the perfect student but at the cost of what is evolving into anxiety. School are aware and she is having support with someone she likes from the pastoral team.

Teachers overall good, some she thinks are fab and has connected with, some she doesn't like much, but to me that's normal. Says there is some disruption in lessons, older kids are not that nice but not specifically to her, but lots of shoving and chaos between classes where the older kids can be quite intimidating. Not many options at break times, now tells me the only part of the school where she likes the atmosphere and feel is the library, I am guessing because it's nice and quiet. And she has no SEN.

Bottom line she is not happy there. I have her on waiting lists for other schools with a focus on one especially. But I just don't know if this is an adjustment to yr 7 or if there's more to it. She's my eldest so I am as new to this as she is. I am happy for her to change schools ( albeit a longer commute if that's what she wants) but then what if it's just secondary school rather than this particular school?? Any others with this experience? I hear so many negative things about secondary schools there must be lots of us!

Hi, my eldest is in year 7 and although she doesn't hate it. I wouldn't say she is particularly happy. She is academically able but is struggling with anxiety. I must admit I thought she would have settled by this point in the year. I have thought the same and wondered if this is the reality of secondary school?
Does your DD do any clubs? Have any friends from Primary in the school?

Yr 7 is a massive change from primary and it can take several terms for kids to settle however at same time I wouldn't take her worries lightly. These things can so often spiral into school refusal etc.
What support is she getting from pastoral? Are there any groups in the library she could join? Has she got friends outside of school to focus on?

@VioletShmiolet she had friends from her primary as well as new friends at school. She does do extra curricular clubs twice a week as well as a hobby at the weekend.
I know so many kids who are like your DD, don't hate it but don't really like it either. It's very sad that education has got like this.

@twistyizzy yes she has non school friends outside school. It is a massive leap indeed. She went to a wonderful primary school, a big 3 form entry but very nurturing and had a very positive vibe. We were very lucky with that. I think this contrast is stark! She is meeting every other week with a welfare/ well being support. She has told me they can increase the support and help and refer externally if needed, but to start with this. I can also email in between if I feel she needs a quick chat and my DD can find her if needed. There is also a teacher that my DD has got a lovely relationship with, she tells me she would talk to her if she felt she needed to. So they are doing something to help and they were quick to action this when I raised concerns.

I absolutely want to take her seriously as I know she probably falls into that group of girls who develop MH issues. The ones who do well with relative ease but never want to get into trouble. I truly wish that she just cared a little less about that.

I am not sure at what point you expect them to have settled and when you know it's the school that's not right rather than just secondary. Even my DD said what if she went somewhere else and felt the same. This feels like a very real risk!

Unfortunately I have no idea when is the right time, it is so individual to each child BUT I would personally want to do it potentially too early rather than too late.
What are the other schools like? How do they compare "feel" wise?

Yes there are 2 relatively close schools that are heavily over subscribed and we will never get a place at either of them! 1 further away that she is quite high up on the waiting list. She has one friend who goes there. And I know the family of a child there. I need to see how they are finding it. I would like to see if I can arrange for her to visit the school, but I am unsure that they would do that unless she got offered a place.

I think most secondaries are noisy, busy places. There are some unpleasant, rough kids in every one. There is a big difference with a primary school and she is probably just struggling with the transition.

I'm normally the first to roll my eyes and exit a thread when someone drops in and mentions SEN with seemly the most tenuous reason!. And I've not ignored that you're discounted it. So I only throw this in because my DD is year 9 and I could have written your post in year 7. And now I'm kicking myself.

DD struggled with the secondary school "atmosphere". Found a safe space in the library. Found the military-like focus on behaviour hugely stressful. It was like she absorbed the shouting and negative atmosphere. Found the atmosphere that badly behaved kids created (and the maybe necessary associated teacher shouting) hugely stressful. Even when the bad behaviour was never pointed in her personal direction. Found the noise and the number of people in whole school activities like assembly overwhelming to the point of anxiety attacks (this happened a bit later)

I cannot stress how much of a 180 this was compared to primary school. And it all shifted up a gear as puberty kicked in.

We're now heading towards something like an autism assessment but I'm kicking myself for now acknowledging these pain points earlier just because she has a couple of nice friends and was coping academically.

Anyway, feel free to also roll your eyes at me and move on🤣 I hope you find the solution. My only other non-SEN input would be that I think the secondary school environment just doesn't work for many many of our children. But in general the factors that cause upset are the same across all schools. Beat of luck x

@CuriousRunner thank you for sharing your DDs experience with me. I can see very clearly what you are saying and yes maybe this is something I need to consider, maybe it's just overwhelming and like your DD a big shift from a noisy primary where she was thriving. I guess my thoughts currently about it all being overwhelming are more to do with her being quite introverted and sensitive, rather than ASD but I will keep that in mind as I am aware many girls unravel at this time. The only reason I mentioned that she has no SEN was that I thought someone may ask.

I guess I am looking to see if the other school has a better behaviour management policy than this one where nuances are considered. On paper it appears to but not sure how that translates in reality.

🤣🤣someone ALWAYS asks. I just didn't think it would be me 🤣🤣 It's a minefield to navigate. I hope you find a swift answer x

My daughter struggled in yr 7. Her issues were around friendship mainly, and school swapped her into a different form at Easter, after which it improved hugely. She was also able to go to someone to talk about her issues and even had Camhs early help. I think it was quite a way through yr8 before she told me she hadn't cried once all week though!

She's in yr 10 now, and moans about school, but no more than other 15 year olds I think.

I just want to reassure you that it can get better, but make sure you can talk to the school pastoral team about it all.

It's normal to take a long time to settle in. 1.5 terms is not very long. There's a lot positive to report- she's made new friends, teachers overall good, joined clubs and academically doing well. Well done to your DD.
The bottom line is that many DC, mine included, don't particularly enjoy secondary school. It's loud, hectic, often disrupted, not much learning, rules bound and you get shouted at a lot. Plus the uniform is scratchy. I wouldn't like to go back either!

My Y7 is unhappy too. Academically doing well though terrified of getting into trouble. However they struggle socially and have gone from having a lovely strong group of friends in Primary to none at all now (primary friends went to other schools). It is tough watching them isn’t it? It was all much easier when they were younger.