Year 10 child wanting to be home schooled but I’m worried re isolation etc

[SusannahSu]

Advice desperately sought for a very anxious and sad 14 year old boy by a now quite anxious mother.
Our son is gentle, empathic, sensitive and bright. He moved school in Year 9 to a private school and we’ve only recently found out he’s been bullied for a year by the only boy who has ever invited him to anything outside school. Daily headlocks and regular suggestions that he kills himself etc. He’s miserable and desperate to move schools or be homeschooled. I fear that he is now so anxious and dysregulated that he struggles to make other friends where he is and would do so at a new school.
It feels a terrible time to change education provider but the light has gone out in him and he is dreading going back after half term. I think I need to listen to him and explore online school, for which he has proposed a good argument suiting him better. I am so worried about:

1. him feeling a failure in our local area and buying into all the things that boys at school/locally call him. His self esteem is now terrible.
2. if he does his GCSEs at home, he will be more removed from society and his anxiety and loneliness will remain or grow. He is an extrovert and loves company but has lost all his confidence.

3.schools or universities being less likely to accept someone who has been homeschooled

I’ve not yet tackled this with the school as prior to him opening up, it seemed to be more unhappiness rather than being bullied and at risk. This is my first job after half term but I feel I also need to explore other options in case the school don’t sort it out and/or too much damage has been done.

Many thanks for any insights/experiences.

If your seriously looking at HomeEd the face book group HEFA - home education for all has lots of information. You become liable for full costs and booking of the exams at a private centre. However switching exam boards can be tricky mid-exans. I would talk to the school first to see how they tackle the bullying. My dd is working towards GCSEs from home after failed mainstream and it’s required a lot of facilitating from us. We’ve are using different providers for different subjects there’s lots of options. Others I know have used online schools like Mineva or Kings interhigh type offering which are more expensive.

Hi OP

I don’t have experience of home/online schooling, just education in mainstream.

What supervision is there? Who evaluates his progress and in what form do they convey that to you? Will you recognise if his achievement is on a par with peers?

Those would be my main concerns. It sounds as though he will do the work but I would want to be sure that the curriculum is at a level that would enable him to achieve GCSEs.

Do you know a secondary teacher (apart from at his school) who could discuss this with you?

Hopefully, other posters who have taken the HS route will be able to signpost you better than me.

It sounds as though it might be for him. I would probably think of countering the potential for isolation with after-school activities - some kind of sport is the obvious one but maybe less mainstream like archery/tennis/volleyball?

Good luck!

what a sad situation for you both. I’m very sorry 😞

I home educate my children and am an ex teacher so can help a bit but ultimately I feel reading your post you know what your answer is.

1. i’m not really sure what you’re asking on this one. Wouldn’t the issue be worse if he stayed at the school around these boys? Surely he’s feel more a failure if he stayed in that toxic environment and did exams alongside them?
2. home education isn’t a replica of school at home even doing some GCSEs. We don’t sit at a desk in our homes all day every day. My kids are out in various settings; forest school, part time college, music classes, Scouts and Guides, sports clubs (home ed and non home ed), social meets, volunteer work as well as some online classes. HE can be whatever you want it to be. You would need to join your local HE facebook group and start to make connections with other HE families. And you don’t have to do 8/9 GCSEs. Most don’t. Some do 4/5 and spread them out.
3. whilst this can be true of some colleges etc most are wise now to the fact that HE kids might not have as many GCSEs but have a range of other skills to offer. Many do things like DofE, volunteering, Scouting etc and tend to have a more diverse range of skills. Their CVs speak for themselves and they make allowances for a more non traditional route. A local college recently let one of my friend’s home educated 16 year old on to a course even though she has less GCSEs than normally required as they were so impressed by her as a person and by her CV.

Have you engaged the school to help? They have an important role to play. Taking him out of the system is not necessarily the best solution although may feel like it is right now, and many of us mums would have the same emotional response. But keeping him on the horse rather than trying to get him back on it at a later stage is so much more preferable. School is important in so many ways, especially for quieter kids who may struggle socially. I'm mum of one, so I feel your pain but if I were you I'd persist and bring the school onboard with the issues - you're paying for it after all.
Schools are dealing with all manner of social anxiety issues like this coming out of lockdown- he won't be alone and he should be provided with mentoring etc to help him.
As the poster above says, changing exam boards at this point would cause a lot of extra work and strain.

Not sure we read the same OP. Keeping him on the horse....school is important in so many ways, especially for quite kids who may struggle socially. What on earth! The OP has not described a child struggling socially, she's described a child being bullied. Do you generally advise abused people to 'stay on the horse' avoid emotional responses and instead address their own social inadequacy? Thought not, yet some people expect and indeed train children to accept this. I hope you're not a teacher, but sadly your post screams schoolteacher. This attitude is rife in schools and should be a safeguarding concern. It would be in any workplace.

OP, hone education I'd a valid choice and it sounds as if your DS has made a sound case for it. Look into home ed networks in your area. There will be plenty of others in the same situation. He is not only socially isolated at school, he's being bullied. You can sort that straight away and look into groups for developing positive friendships. Oh and many admissions departments look very favourably upon home ed and the independent learning skills that school children don't get the opportunity to develop.

No, not a teacher, just a mum who has been through a similar situation. School intervention was key for us- the school took a hard stance and the bully was appropriately dealt with and support from other groups/mentors helped immensely.

My experience was the reverse of your expectation for your 3rd point. A lot of settings seemed to be very positive about HE applicants because the achievements were self-motivated - and knuckling down to get things done was something HE kids did themselves rather than expecting a teacher or tutor to do the chivvying.

Home education can be a positive, although it's not for every family.

Before suggesting anything else- what are the school doing about this? Have you had a meeting with them?

Hi sorry to hear you and your son are going through this, once you de register you will be taking on full responsibility for his education. There is no funding and you will need to book and fund any GCSEs he may wish to take. Please be aware some GCSES are not accessible to home educating young people due to the course work or practical elements e.g. geography and GCSE science, he will need to do the IGCSE versions. I would look into exam centers from September onwards to for next summer as they can be booked on up very quickly. If you are looking at online schools check to see if these exams are included in these fees or if they support with find exam centres for you.

My daughter took my Grandson out of school age 13 for being bullied.. he was having horrific mental health issues .. he was HE.
He's 19 now and at a small UNI after going to college age 16 for two years. ( living at home) he does have Aspergers.. but he's got some lovely friends now and so happy. His social life is brilliant.
He's kind and caring and polite.. funny and loving.
Best thing we did .
Good luck.

If you home ed there will be local groups and events where he can meet other kids. There's always a network. Lots of kids are homeschooling.
You could also look at him returning to school for A levels at a 6th form college where things will be more relaxed with a bigger mix of people.
I had a friend at 6th form college who had been homeschooled up until then. She did very well in her A levels and got into uni etc.
Honestly if you are able I'd take him out of school for the time being. Anxiety is no joke. Mental health is the most important thing. If he's reasonably intelligent he will still be able to go to university. Not everyone goes down the same route.

Just out of interest, why did he leave his last school? If he was happier there, is going back an option?
And yes the school need to help with this and separate them immediately. The bully’s parents need to get involved and stop it.

He hasn't got social anxiety from lockdown. He's being bullied both physically and mentally for a really long time. It's not the same at all. Are you aware that bullying is as harmful to children as sexual abuse? This is not something to be taken lightly. Could you imagine if you were going into work daily for a year and this happening to you and then someone telling you to just "stay on the horse". Why do we think our children should stay in abusive and traumatic situations and think it will be "character building". It isn't. Obviously. It's the opposite.

Is there an option to switch to state school where he can do similar GCSEs and use some of the money spent on private schools to get tutors to fill in any exam curriculum gaps if that school has a different exam board/syllabus.

maths, English language and science curriculum are similar across all boards.English literature depends which books they have studied.What are his other GCSEs?

Thank you so much for all your very helpful comments. I did go to the school and they are keen to get involved but their bullying policy is absolutely terrible and gave us no confidence in reporting anything. This, combined with my son’s dread of things getting worse if the school reprimand the boy, led us to agreeing with the school that they will only step in if we report a new headlock happening. It may be coincidence but my son now seems a little better able to hold his own. Since posting originally he has received a neurodivergent diagnosis so there is a lot to think about and a new additional lens through which to consider the best way forward.