Year 9 Friendships

[1503irish]

My DD year 9 hasn’t had a great year with friendships. Whilst she has people to sit with at lunchtime etc, this doesn’t extend to outside school. So for example these girls meet up and then don’t invite her to join them. She finds this difficult as naturally she feels left out and would love to be a part of the group.

She has indicated that she is going to find this difficult if this continues until gcse year. So my question is do I just leave things and hope it gets better or do I look to move her to another school? She’s in a private school currently so we’d have to give notice and try to secure a place in year 10.

Does your daughter have any interests, hobbies or clubs she does outside school?

I think year 9 is brutal for friendships and having other friends not connected to school can be transformative.

How would another school help her? Is she confident enough to deal with the change and trying to create new friendships? It could be better for her but it also could create more distress and alot of anxiety

Has she got any out of school groups where she can make friendships out of school?

Is it her entire year group avoiding her put of school or just a particular group of girls?

I don't have much advice I'm afraid other than saying that year 9 can be brutal for girls in particular! I think it can be partly because some are maturing more quickly and can be more grown up and they are all trying to find their place. The teachers at DDs school all said Y9 is the worst and then they tend to grow up a bit and come out the other side!

Y8 and Y9 is awful for girls and friendships.

It seems to get better by the summer and they revert to being human in Y10.

Hang on in there.

@Pancakeflipper I wouldn’t say other girls avoid her rather they just don’t include her. For example sleepover will be arranged and she won’t be invited, then unfortunately with social media she’ll see a post with all the other girls present.
She doesn’t do much outside of school so that doesn’t help with friendships
I just hate seeing her sad, but you are right in that she’s not that confident so a new school might not be the answer.

Agree it’s tricky, my youngest is year 9 and has ups and downs right from year 7. Seems to be settling down now but you just never can tell. My eldest was the same and by year 10 everything had settled down. It’s life though isn’t it, learning about friendships and people that often let you down and surprise you. It will get better, try and get her involved with some groups outside of school, we found this helpful. School doesn’t last forever but it’s tricky when they are not having the best time. It does get better.

Year 9 is the trickiest of all. DC1 also had a rough time in Y9. We switched school for both children, because I had also lost faith in that school for other reasons - DC1 then had an absolutely brilliant Y10 and Y11.

DC2 is now in Y9 and while she has friends, there's nothing like as much socialising outside school and I can see that things are much less secure than they were last year, and confidence is lower. I'm pretty sure that next year will improve though, based on what I've seen with my older child.

The teachers in the old school also commented that Y9 is the year of unbounded misery for girls in their experience, and that they settle a lot in Y10, and that it's Y10 = misery for boys/Y11 they cheer up. I think it's partly that some girls REALLY grow up that year and are almost young women, and others stay "little girls" a bit longer, so friendship groups fracture because some want to go into town to pose in their crop tops and try on Tom Ford perfume, and others want to play Stardew Valley and bake.

Are the vibes off with the school? Do you think the other children are particularly tricky or mismatched for your child, do you think? If not, then I would stick it out and see how next year goes.

(We're private too, fwiw.)

Is the school big enough? I’m a fan of big schools with a deep friendship pool so if it isn’t working out with one group there are other options

The year group is fairly large, but it’s difficult to try to join a new friendship group. As I say it’s hard watching your child sit at home at half term when her so called friends are meeting up etc.

Year 9 was hell for DD’s friendship wise but my strongest suggestion is get her to try a new club or activity in or outside school. I know my DD desperately wanted be in the popular group but once she realised she had much better friends else where she was no longer interested in being a hanger-on. My other suggestion is if she individually gets along well with one or two of the girls in this group, there’s no reason she can’t instigate a hangout. It might take a little guts but most girls are unlikely to say no to shopping in town . She may never be part of the in group but one strong friendship can do a lot for their self-esteem.

I'd echo what others say about Year 9 being a hard year for friendships.

Whether it will get better will, I think, depend a lot on how big the school is and how it is organised. If she's going to get shuffled into very different teaching groups once she's started GCSE study, then it's likely that friendships will move about. If the school is small and not much will physically change in Year 10, then it's likely that they won't.

Interesting that you say it's hard to break into other friendship groups. I'd say part of the volatility of Year 9 friendships is that new groups are constantly formed. Is your daughter open to mixing with other girls? Does she, for example go to extra curricular activities where she gets to know others?

We’re in the middle of it at the moment. DD had a bit of a torrid time earlier in the year, but things seem to have settled for now and she’s decided to make more of one friendship and this has expanded into a larger group. She still says it’s shifting, and some of the girls are trying on new personalities. It is likely to change again in year 10 when they set across the year for options and some of them grow out of the horrible phase.
If they’re all meeting up outside of school and excluding your DD, then chances are they see her as a hanger on. It is probably worth a quiet word with her tutor/head of year, she really won’t be the only one feeling like this and they can try and support new friendships. The groups will be changing as year 9 js a difficult time for girls, but sometimes it is hard to see it. Encourage her to do things outside of school as that really does help, as if often leads naturally to meeting up.

Presumably she’s asked people round to yours? Or suggested the cinema or something? It’s difficult.

My dc had the same friends more or less since Y7. Plus they had their primary friends that had gone to different schools too and friends from extra curricular clubs
They weren't invited to every party/sleepover but they didn't expect to be.
I think doing something outside of school might help. What about D of E?

How large? Average near me is 300-360 a year group.

Dd2s group was still fluid at year 9. I would encourage and support her to reach out to other girls and try to gradually move friendship groups.Shes clearly not valued or one of the gang where she is. Are there other girls in lessons she gets on with? In year 9 dd2 would still make new friends who joined the school or moved groups.

@hotfirelog there are approx 80 girls in the year.

@TheaBrandt1 yes. The group has clearly decided that’s she’s a hanger on. I’m trying to encourage her to be more confident about encouraging other friendships but the current friendship issues are making her lose confidence in herself.

Single set school or coed? Does girls know each other from junior/ primary schools?

@hotfirelog coed and knew no one from primary or in fact no one attending the school! Some girls knew each other beforehand but current group of friends are all new to each other since year 7

Year 10 the GCSEs choice so DC will meet new DCs and try and meet up in with one or two, rather than entire groups.

It sounds like she needs to try and make new friendships within her current school - it does sound like she doesn’t really fit in the group she’s hanging around with . Are there other girls who aren’t part of a clique that she could try to get to know ? as other posters have said 1 or 2 not a group

I moved a DC at the end of year 8 - I would say it took him 12 months to really settle into his new school and start achieving - he made friends quickly but in reality in year 10 the cracking on and doing well with the work is more important . I’d advise against moving if you can avoid it

It’s hard when they’re worried about rejection happening again. What is she into? Can you encourage her to try some new activities to give her confidence a boost? And then hopefully new friendship avenues will open up both in school and out of school. I would also give her tutor or head of year a quiet heads up - they can be very good at doing things behind the scenes to help facilitate friendships and this is absolutely normal for year 9 and they will be used to it.

Hi OP,

Just wondering if things have improved for your daughter? My daughter is experiencing similar difficulties in school. Were based in ireland and she's in an all girls school. Seems to get on with people in school and has friends to sit with and chat to but isn't invited to meet up outside of school. Shes a lovely girl, just quieter than most (but not quiet with girls she knows well). Im thinking of moving her to a co ed school in the hope it might be less cliquey.

@Teddysmom2020 yes they have improved! I noticed that towards the end of year 9 a lot of friendship groups seemed to change and due to this my DD got closer to another girl. So far she is having a much more positive year 10. I really do think year 9 is a tricky year for lots of girls. Ultimately my DD decided she didn’t want to move schools, and I was and am supportive of that decision.