Revision. GCSE's. Autistic student. Help.

[Pancakeflipper]

My 16yr old is autistic and ADHD. Mainstream school.
Socially and emotionally very different to peers but bright academically.
GCSE's are looming as are their 3rd (yes 3) sets of mocks.

They are black and white in their approach - school is school,home is home. I understand that and that's fine. Or it would be if things were going well.

Mocks have been horrific. Results OK (could be better) but it's the anxiety.

Swimming, shaking, unable to speak.
Huge autistic burnout.
Sometimes not actually able to sit the test due to anxiety.
My child talks endlessly at how low they are, they don't want to join in family things, just painting, drawing and gaming.

The main problem is, my child will not accept any form of help. From us (parents) or school.

Today a huge meltdown (them not me) as they agreed in the week we'd look at the topics for 1 of their subjects today for 15mins at time of their choosing, and see if they feel happy they know that topic, know a bit, know nothing. To then hopefully know where to focus on revision.

Came to look at it today - they went defensive, critical of me, their dad, our parenting etc.... Everything in the world is my fault (they are apparently moving out). They gone ballistic. We honestly tried to stay calm.and not react too much at their words but I did say they were being rude and it isn't acceptable to speak to us like that.

I don't know what I'm asking.... I feel utterly lost, helpless, bit broken tbh. We've always got on, solved many struggles together.

oh I feel for you both.
honestly it sounds as if there is too much pressure on your child to do the exams. If you haven’t already I would reassure that exam results aren’t the be all and end all. They can retake at any time. (My siblings left school with one “c” grade between them they now are successful in their work earning 50-60k).
(What are the plans for sixth form?)
figure out the most important exams maths and English for example. Let them know if they can’t handle sitting the geography or French exams when it comes to it then they don’t have.
forget about revision at home.
just support them in what they need to do in terms of staying regulated at home.
forget anout revision (I know they brought it up) but maybe you could suggest looking at exam techniques or managing anxiety instead?

their words were just anxiety, you did the right thing by not reacting, even tho it’s really hard.
there is a lot of pressure to perform esp in mainstream.

my son is autistic and attends a specialist school- he is also sitting GCSEs in the summer. Honestly there was a time I didn’t think he would even be in school so to have got this far is amazing and I am trying to focus on this.

Hope this helps a bit.

Sorry for the bad grammar

The bit about the agreement to look at the topic together, and then the meltdown, stood out to me. You seem a bit over involved which could be creating extra pressure. As a parent you should help them with resources, for example those gcse study guides are great, but it’s up to your child to read them if they want to.

Perhaps try to totally change the atmosphere now. She doesn’t need to do more revision, she doesn’t need to excel, she just needs to get through this intense period of her life and the focus is on managing her anxiety. That might look like distraction - playing video games or whatever she enjoys doing. Remembering how to enjoy life outside of school pressures. What does she enjoy?

@Tiredandneedtogotobed
Thank you. This helps. They say their plans are for 6th form(how will they cope with A'level stress?). And they don't have an alternative suggestion. But refuse to look at the college. Thank you - it's hard isn't it?

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress
I think I am over involved. Yhank you for pointing that out. And I think that's because we've had some awful situations in their early years and schooling years.

And I thought they wanted help because they come home each day from.school saying how stressed/anxious/hate exams.

We've said exams don't matter (their father is an example of this - left school 1 exam and is successful business else but education was different then..). Their elder siblings are not academically smashing it, but they have a good work ethic and are all decent people.
We aren't expecting A's and B's etc.... I don't care if they drop subjects. I just want them to be less stressed and get through the next 6 months without a burnout.

They do their interests at weekends and twice in the week are out. They are autistic and their hobbies quite regimented.

They just expect to get 100% in everything which is impossible and now they aren't able to focus on school work due to anxiety so grades slide and they get more distressed.

They have never allowed teachers to mark their work to correct it. they cannot deal with failing.

I've bought the guides and I've bought flash cards. Not used. But going to just listen and step back abit and not go into my mode of wanting to help and fix things .

Just hoping they start to re-talk to us soon. Current status is very frosty. And silent.

I will contact the SEND team this week and let them know.

Ah the joys of parenting...

The anxiety is more of a problem than the revision.

Most schools do a lot of revision in school and also set it for homework (not as a generic do revision but rather will work through all the topics over year 11).

Don't worry too much about the revision.
Focus on the anxiety.

Do they have any ways of calming down? Soft toy, focus on breathing etc.

Would they be prepared to see the doctor and look at medication?

Some schools run specific sessions for year 11 focused on exam anxiety - we used to do a club once a week.

Yeah it sounds so tough. We have autism in our family, so I do get how tough it is with the perfectionism and hating to make mistakes. I have a family member who failed university as they were too anxious to sit final exams. I think when they are venting about how difficult it is, they need you to listen and empathise, mirror back to them. Don’t try to fix as that counter intuitively tells them that they aren’t able to figure things out themselves. Can you redirect them to gaming / drawing / painting when they are coming home really stressed from school? Too much stress is building up.

My DS was like this and we removed him from school. It's only now, a year later, that he can tell us about the shocking pressure he was under at school. I think it was so bad that he was kind of non-verbal and not able to even tell us that he was sinking.

It was very hard initially when we took him out, but he is getting better now. It might be good to jetison the exams and save your son. It won't matter if he has to miss a year. His mental health matters more.

What is your son doing now?

Well it's a total fuck up here.

Turns out he's dumped his painting stuff somewhere and deleted all the games off his laptop.

He is being quite nasty. Going to leave him as I'm exhausted, he's exhausted and no good will happen as I can feel myself wanting to argue back.

Ok so they've always worked with 'school is school and home is home' but you are trying to look at schoolwork at home so it's going to cause a flashpoint.

They don't allow teachers to correct their work because they can't deal with getting things wrong, but you want to know what they don't know so that they can focus revision on those areas.

If their mock results were ok, are they getting enough for their next steps? Can you step back and say 'ok, school is school and home is home' again?

If they need to do revision can they attend revision classes at school and keep home separate?

Is he in a small room for his exams? With extra time/rest breaks/on a computer if any of the those are needed?

When things are calmer perhaps you could try telling him that you're there to help with revision if he wants you to do anything and leave the ball in his court. Other than that right now I'd leave just him to paint and game at home and forget family stuff and revision for now, just let him do what he needs to decompress.

Keep staying calm, that's really important and try to remember this is all because he's struggling to cope right now. Give him some space and keep positive. If he's ok with going to school and ok when there then I would keep him there as I think it may be better than him being at home with no routine and no structure.

Take all exam pressure off at home, let him leave all that at school.

@Pancakeflipper DS came out of school and we have an EOTAS package from the council which means "Education other than at school". He home schools with correspondance courses, and the council paid for them.

We really had no choice at all. He just couldn't take it any more. We had similar presentation to your son and it was really really concerning. Only now after a year, is DS starting to get back to himself. He can start to tell us now how horrific the pressure was at school, but I don't think he realised himself at the time as he had known nothing else for a long time.

It might be worth taking a look at Naomi Fisher's website and some of her webinars: https://naomifisher.co.uk/webinars/

If it was me, I would just stop sending him to school immediately and let him decompress. It doesn't matter if he doesn't sit the exams. His mental health is more important.

He can always sit exam later if he wants to.

Going to the public library for revision is useful for students who can't do school work at home, plus they'll have revision resources.

DD has turned her revision cards into Trivial Pursuit cards so when we play she is revising
Maths - orange
English - pink
science - blue etc

Revise in a roundabout way, find theatre productions of texts either live or on something like National Theatre at Home (you can get access for just a month for £10)
YouTube analysis of texts like Thug Notes, Sean from freesciencelessons.

Other than that I guess you need to back off and just make sure he has all the access arrangements he needs.

Not RTFT as I'm tired so sorry if I'm repeating anything...

I'm a mum of an autistic teen and a secondary teacher.

Firstly GCSEs don't rule their future so if they end up not able to cope there's time to sort that out later.

Next Honestly there's sooooo much pressure in school they don't need it at home as well. (3 sets of mocks is insane, god knows how the teachers mark them all! I can barely manage our one session)

Thirdly as a parent whose kid went through it and out the other side...also an academic child but highly anxious- your best bet is to take an "it is what it is" attitude.

Make time and space for them to revise. Give them the materials they need. Let them do it! Be firm that it must be done but ultimately you can't make them know stuff and if they end up sitting in their room for an hour doing nothing it's on them.

I helped my girl map her plan out with a grid saying "w/c [date]" at the top of the columns and days of the week on the side of each row and she just wrote in 2 subjects each day, planning as she went so she could monitor what she had and hadn't done.....told her to do 20 mins sessions with a break at the end of each one. Then I left her to it. I also made her take revision materials away at Feb half term on her holiday. She did actually ask me to help a couple of times eventually. I'm pretty sure she didn't do half of what she'd planned though.

She passed it all which tbh is all that's needed (unless pursuing medicine or something!) I always tell her she is probably one of the most resilient in her year group because it was way harder for her to get up and go to school everyday than most other kids.

Now we're in the last year of college and I miss exams....coursework is hell on earth!

I think you need an urgent meeting with SEN team and consider dropping subjects. Maybe several subjects. And probably all homework. They will probably have seen this before. It's not unusual to have some Y11s quietly on reduced timetables. Some schools are better than others at allowing this.They will mostly tell you it's not possible at first. At DC's old school I had to pick them up for lessons they were not in.

It was a shock to me how brutal the exam period itself is. My eldest had 21 exams in 4 weeks, with half term in the middle. She was utterly spent by half term. Managing revision for that many exams on top of school and homework is a lot for anyone, and then imagine how exhausting it is to go through the adrenaline burst so many times if you find exams terrifying. If that is not a realistic prospect for your DC there's an argument for some tough decision making now. That said, DC can really pull it out of the bag when push comes to shove. I know a few DC who were out of school in the months before exams and they all managed to go in for their actual exams.

My youngest is now Y11. MH is the priority so not many lessons, let alone homework or revision. They are coping by saying they don't care about the results at all. I think a realistic plan for sixth form, that is not dependent on exams success, is a big help. Hard to have these conversations with a burnt out, highly distressed YP who's spent the last couple of years being told how important GCSE s are.

From our experience we found that DC has not only Autism and ADHD. As an additional negative factor he was diagnosed with tachycardia and arithmia. Also was found that DC has poor blood supply to the brain ( left part 50%, right 25%), migraine with headache almost every week.
It became obvious why he couldn’t manage himself and aggressive reaction with self-harming . He hated school, scared a lot of things, thought about death and uselessness. It was happened in year 10. We did assessment and got treatment privately because waited for cardiologist through NHS for 9 months ( on urgent request).

In October 2024 finally child saw NHS doctor who said is enough to take tablets, there is no reason to take them. All symptoms returned in November and became worse in December. As result, mock exam in year 10 ( while on medication) showed better grades than in year 11.

DS returned to medication ( finally agreed, another problem) and hope this week mocks will demonstrate better grades.

About revision: children on spectrum needed an individual approach. Some of them need to see, other would like to touch, third - to listen. But most of all, need to be interested in what they do, and know what for - aim should be obvious and clear.

You said that children think about Sixth Form, not college. Ok, I am agree. There is a potential to reach higher skills - good reason for motivation. Is this Sixth Form at the same school? If yes, it means there is good connection with school and need to speak with SENCO about additional help from school staff.

What did you do for motivation at home? In our case, we went to a number of universities for open days and taster sessions. We looked at career options and what need to do to be accepted to the courses. Otherwise, there is no point to be aimed for Sixth Form.

I was honest with my son about his chances to be accepted into uni and how hard he should to work.
Yes, I manage what he does ( calendar is not his best friend) and help when he stuck.

School is a separate story but we are in close connection, mainly on my initiative but they help if I ask.

Thanks those who have shared their own experiences - as wonderful as our children are, sometimes It's just really hard for them with the extra barriers.

It's still silent treatment here but oddly enough can hear him chatting to his brother whilst they clear up after dinner - that rarely happens.

@Pancakeflipper
We are in a similar boat this year - my daughter is in burnout and has been for about 4-5 months now, so no revision, work, etc. She is unable to answer questions in any measure now, despite doing well in her mocks. She doesn't share when things are going wrong and masks heavily so we thought she was studying hard in her room all these months. She already has adjustments due to her ASD and ADHD diagnosis but other MH issues have cropped her over the years.

I was wondering how your son got on last year?

Hello.

I am sorry you are going through this. It is heartbreaking isn't it?

My DS is ok.

We got through it last year with alot of support from his school. The SEND team were incredible. It was touch and go if he'd do his languages oral exam which was in April - but he did.

He had the same little room on his own for all his exams with the same invigilator.

After my last post about him removing stuff, he had a mini breakdown.. Horrific night/then week and I thought he was going to have to be hospitalised. To cut a long story short he agreed to see a therapist for 3 sessions (he'd been strongly against this but it was vastly preferable to him staying in hospital)

I went to see the SEND team and told them we needed help.

They chatted to him and arranged a space in their area (their office!) for him to have revision space. He took his revision guides to the space. He would rather stay an extra hour at school in his safe school place and then no revision at home (school is school, home is home). Sometimes he might just chat to them and do no revision. Sometimes only do 20mins. He aimed for quality not quantity.

We were "no more revision, its not worth it"
DS was "i have to revise " and somehow we found middle ground.

I found him a therapist. Those agreed 3 sessions are now fortnightly sessions. My DS likes the therapist. I think this really helps.

Once the actual exams were underway he was less stressed out. He was anxious but got into the exam routine. His little space at school and the same invigilator helped.

He is in 6th form now. He did very well in his GCSE's but he wasnt happy.. (perfectionist). Has huge support from the SEND team. He has struggles and I'm amazed and proud of him.

Sending you support. It's just horrible isn't it?

Well done to your DS @Pancakeflipper .

@Improptu5 there's an EBSA support thread in Chat if you would like some company. College is an improvement on Y11 for so many YP.

Just realised this is an old post but my son is exactly the same. 1st GCSE this Friday and hasn't done any revision at all for any subjects. He is autistic and servere SEMH. In mainstream but moving to specialist for post 16. He is academic able but refuses to do anymore than normal lessons at school. Glad it worked out in the end for you. My son won't talk outside of home and is mute otherwise I would get him a therapist for his anxieties and meltdowns