Epsom college v St John's Wood for son with social anxiety

[hotairball]

Hi Mums,

My son finds it very difficult to make friends, he probably is Autistic but he hasn't been given a diagnosis as he's not obvious.
He can't understand how people develop friendships so I need a school that is understanding and inclusive.
He's not at all disrupt in class or on the playground.

Which would be better for him?

He loves sports and is academically doing well, all apart from English which he hates. Maths should be a big focus.

I was thinking the option of boarding options will help to build friendships.

I'm looking for a school where the children are accepting and the culture is nurturing as well as academic.

Any mums out there who have experience with this?

Thank you for your help x

hi there, I know both schools and think these are both not ideal for children with social anxiety. They are both schools that suit very outgoing children. And I would stay away from boarding schools completely, it is far likely to traumatise him than to teach him social skills. Building up social skills comes from positive social interactions and with his profile it will be beneficial if this is through his extracurricular interests in smaller settings and takes place for a few hours after or during school, not 24/7. Children with social anxiety need time to unwind and process all the input from the day. I would not choose a full on school like Epsom College or a school with Saturday school, far from home and so forth.

Perhaps Whitgift / Trinity / KGS / Ewell Castle would be good ones to look at, hard to say without knowing how "terrible" his English is.

Thank you for your input. These schools both have day options too, which would be better.
He enjoys socialising but just finds it hard to make friends. He is confident at making them but the problem is building strong friendships. I suppose anxiety is the wrong word.

What are your thoughts on the day for him?
Do you know how big the class sizes are and how many pupils in a year 7?

my answer was regarding the day option. the day at epsom is very long (mandatory after school club so minimum day is 8am - 5pm, if he relies on school bus 8am -6:15pm every day plus Saturday school). St John's school day is shorter and more flexible but both schools have cultures that would not be kind on those who struggle to make friends. Avoid schools with a strong rugby / "bro" type of culture.

@hotairball , I agree that neither are suitable, have you read the threads on pastoral care at St John's on MN? Epsom has been through so much over the past few years too. Did you read the 2021 ISI report although the 2022 report superseded it?

It's also unlikely that your ds would make it past the interview process anyway if they don't think he will suit the school. They don't take quirky dc who won't fit in.
How about Claremont fan, Kingswood House, Ewell castle etc?

Mother of two children at Epsom, one of which has terrible anxiety. The school has been fantastic. Supportive and making helpful provision. But more importantly I would say there is such a breadth of students and clubs and hobbies that everyone seems to find their people. I think the house set up even for day pupils helps massively.

The pace at these schools is overwhelming for children on the spectrum, it leaves little down time to process as the days are so very very long. They expect robust, sporty, extroverted children for these schools who are socially adept already. Epsom even has school on Saturday. What a horror even for NTs.

Boarding also would be a bad idea. Just because you spend more time around people, doesn't mean to say you become better friends with them. The same issues are still there of not understanding social situations. If anything it makes it worse. You are ostracised more because there are even more situations you don't get and your difference becomes even more well noted so people avoid you even more.

St John's runs a two week timetable so for those with difficulty with executive function this can be an added stress as you are not in the same place every week. I don't know for E.

Both schools are able to tap into SEN support and will probably have good experts in place. However it will still be a struggle at this sort of school for your DS.

I'd suggest instead more academic schools - though Both E and St J both are academic but in the slightly higher bracket like Kings, Hampton, Upper Latymer, City of London, Kingston Grammar etc.

You'd find more of the type of boy your son is at these schools. They are many high-functioning ASD at these schools and of course no boarding. I can't see how anyone on the spectrum would thrive at a boarding school. Those with ADHD thrive better at St J's and E, they seem to tolerate more rowdiness and bunkum than the more academic schools and the amount of physical activity works better for these kids too and there is a lot of that at St J's and E.

Work on his English as much as possible and send him to an ASD friendly school. He'll fit right in. The fact he is good at sport will help massively. That will help him find friends. I would suggest finding a good SLT now who can talk through different social situations and start to help him consider how to branch out and work on where things are gelling in his current social life.

Another thing we found very good was drama. Not stagecoach but drama. Acting in the local youth theatre. It accelerates theory of mind by quite a few months compared to peers, studies have shown.

I would highly recommend Whitgift if your child is academic and on the spectrum. Lots of quirky and bright boys and an amazing and very modern SEN department. They run a social skills class, study skills session and very on the ball about supporting boys in this area plus a 2 hour lunch for boys to eat and then do a structured activity, play or even have a chill out room. Would definitely recommend this over St John’s/Epsom.

Yes there’s a neurodiversity club at Whitgift. It’s much stricter than St John’s and the results are better too. You can specialise in your chosen sport from the second half of the first term so if golf or table tennis are your thing, no need to play rugby or football or cricket ever again!