Year 10 - Battles over homework

[Honey2]

My son (year 10) has always been defiant and reluctant when it comes to doing homework, but now in year 10 it’s obviously ramped up in quantity as he moves towards GCSEs. We’ve had numerous chats about the benefits of putting the effort in for these next 2 years, and in calm and rational moments he agrees and will begrudgingly do the work. unfortunately that’s only half the time. The rest of the time it can be a battle ground (as much as we try not letting it be!)

We’ve tried the carrot approach (small treats like sweets / hot choc after 30 mins of work or bigger rewards for good attitude/effort) We’ve also resorted to the metaphorical stick I.e removing his phone / blocking games / restricting time out with friends at weekends (as a last resort!) if he was refusing to do the work.

None of it works consistently.

Just to be clear we are not asking for him to go over and above - just do the work the school set each week (around 4-5 pieces of work) He doesn’t find school easy, but he is smart enough to achieve grades around an old school ‘C’ if he puts the effort in.

The latest challenge is that he spends most of his evening on Snapchat video calling friends (fine) but…. He refuses to stop the call when doing home work claiming he can do both at the same time. I’ve witnessed that he cant. We aren’t talking friends quietly in the background while they both crack on with work, we’re talking groups of 3 or 4 people laughing and joking on the calls - it’s a complete distraction.

Reasoning with him on the fact this is a distraction falls on deaf ears, removing his phone results in big arguments.

help?! AIBU to think he should come off video call when it’s homework time. How do others deals with teenagers and homework???

thanks for making it to the end 😊

Sorry - but you really need to get his phone off him for the period he is meant to be doing homework . Suggest also you set a specific time when he has to do it so he knows the expectation and than can then move on to socialising

I know it’s hard - I’ve got a tricky yr10 and 2 older DC who weren’t anywhere near as bad

Agree fully with previous poster.

You seem to be massively low balling it here. Why is he only expected to do the work minimum? And a rewards after 30 mins work…, my 9 year old doesn’t get that.

You either accept he’s in real danger of failing and “C” today from a child who really sounds like they could do better and let him do that. Or you’re strict, cutting phone and other activities.

I’m somewhat laughing at a sweet or hot chocolate as a treat! At his age? He’s not doing the work because he’s immature. Not unusual in that and not unusual not to do work. I’d remove the phone and tell him to make his own hot chocolate. I would also talk about careers. Does he have any ambition to do anything after school? A bit of tough love is needed here.

A hot choccy after 30 mins of good work. What a treat 🤣

The only thing you can do is talk to him about doing enough to get to where he wants to be after his GCSEs. In reality that is what he needs to do. If he doesn't the world won't collapse and he won't be on a scrap heap BUT he will be putting himself back a couple of years and what he's doing is actually the easy and quick way of getting where he wants to be. Not doing it now will mean doing it again in the future. Or if he wants - living on next to nothing packing boxes or not having any job at all. Once he understands that he may just have enough motivation to do ENOUGH. it's hard and we do put too much pressure on these kids.

It sounds like he has no ownership of his work, no sense that his schoolwork and his education is for him and for his future.

I wonder about him getting a small Saturday job. It helps them begin to learn about earning and supporting themselves. As well as developing self esteem through being able to earn a little themselves and begin to have some independence.

I think this would help him take more ownership of his own life and education.

Do you talk to him much about the future, the working world, how much it costs to set up and pay for a home etc.

I always tell my two that the harder they work now the more choices they will have later on in life.

Or do they want hard now and easier later - or easier now and hard later? Or in other words you can't avoid "hard" - it's more choose your "hard".

I talk to my two quite a bit about my work. How it brings me fulfilment and money to run our home - but also they there are lots of things I would prefer not to have to do. But I have to do them as part of the job and all the benefits it brings.

I think this is very difficult to tackle. I had a family member who was a very high achiever at primary but a lazy so and so by y10. Also thought his personality and smart Alec approach was good enough. Excluded for back chat and being rude to teachers. GCSEs were good enough but below where they should have been. A levels were a disaster and so no uni. Eventually got a job but it’s mundane. Although I said talk about the future, some dc appear so arrogant that they won’t listen. Thinking of buying a house is completely beyond their comprehension when they only care about friends and gaming.

There seem to be many (mostly) boys who simply think the world comes to them and they don’t need to do much at school. They don’t enjoy school and gaming and chatting takes over. By y10 it’s very difficult to change and they are old enough to refuse to do homework. But you have to try.

Also not sure many employers take on y10 dc to do anything. It’s very young and he might be 14.

I have a year 9 who is very easily distracted by his phone. This is what we have been doing and it seems to be working so far. When he gets in from school he has time to have a snack and relax for a bit. There is a set time when he has to start his homework, and at that point he gives his phone to me to look after until his homework is done. It has helped a lot.

DD's school suggested agreeing with friends to all study (and stay off phones) at the sane time to reduce FOMO. Would that help do you think?

I’m taking my daughter out of mainstream school and putting her into vocational training. The arguments about school and homework are just achieving nothing and making the whole family miserable

Not sure.

My Dd is in year 11 now and has been working in our local pub since the start of year 10 (she had just turned 14). A couple of hours on Saturday, housekeeping or fetching/carrying plates. She is 15.5 now and takes the orders.

My son just turned 13 and is in year 8. Planning for him to start there next summer when he will be coming up to year 9 and will be nearly 14. A coupe of hours of washing up or hoovering.

You can work within controlled limits from the age of 13. You have to get a permit from the local council and the employer has to register you.

Our experience was that all my dd's friends of the same age had a job - two in a local bakery, another couple in pubs.

I think some of these answers are a bit mean - my year 9 dd will put aside a biscuit/chocolate bar and tell herself she can eat it when she's finished part of her homework, so I think you're just doing something similar! I agree it's really hard -- she has autism and some days the battle is real. I agree that taking phones away can be helpful, they are so so distracting. Does he do better to come home and crack on with it, or as a PP said, would he be better with a break and chat to friends first, and then make time for it? My kids also like me to be around while they're doing homework so we set up in the kitchen, I know some people insist on them being in their rooms but it works for us

@BumpyaDaisyevna Not seen dc that young around here. Mostly 6th form and there’s competition for the jobs!

I agree that not doing homework in a bedroom is best.

Not sure the use of sweets should be the treat though! There can also be the issue of rushing homework and just doing a bit but not the full work set. Agree it’s a minefield though and often the start of under achievement if it continues.

My son is exactly the same (Year 10). He has the added complication of being autistic and does seem to have some demand avoidance too. We have struggled with homework from around Year 6. We have had so many miserable evenings where he’s come downstairs after trying to do some work and he’s ended up getting angry with himself because he can’t physically make himself open a book to get started. We have suggested homework club, get it over and done with in school and then do what he likes when he gets home but he’s not keen and I dread the tears and meltdowns when I make him do something. It’s not easy and if you find anything that works please let me know!

Thanks all for your comments. It’s helpful to know we are not alone.

Of course we have had endless conversations about his future and what working hard now can achieve. Both myself and husband / his father work full time in relatively high level jobs, so he sees what putting the effort in delivers.

@TizerorFizz you hit the nail on the head with the comment - ‘Thinking of buying a house is completely beyond their comprehension when they only care about friends and gaming’

although not diagnosed his teachers and I recognise ADHD traits which doesn’t help with the self starting and staying focused. So actually short 30 mins burts with something nice like a hot drink or food treat after - I don’t think that’s as daft as some of you made out!

I do agree we need to be a bit more hard cop and stick to consistent expectations about time of home work and also insist phone is away and socialising happens after.

With finishing off work (I work from home), feeding all dinner, 3 other children to sort and various sports activities, the evening is carnage in our house!! All our choice of course but it doesn’t help 🙈

we’ll keep plugging on!!

Does the school run a homework club after school? Might that work for you both?

@Honey2 Mayne a drink after all work is completed? I just had a vision of you standing by with a sweet tin and he’s allowed to choose one after a maths question. Although I never had to cajole DDs. I do think a bit of tough love is necessary because there is a slippery slope here.

I have a similar DD who's in year 10. Will do the minimum to get by, but wants to go on her phone or PC.
She does the bare minimum revision, refuses to engage properly with it and the more you ask her to do something, the more she refuses. She is showing signs of autism too, so perhaps a reason why.
We also bribe her with foods she likes to get her to do anything, so I don't think that's unusual. She's skinny as a whippet so weight is not an issue. I don't know what to do with her anymore and I do fear for her exams etc.
My DS is in year 11 and is very different. He does like gaming with his friends and going on his phone a lot but he also does do his school work.

I can lock her PC now and limit time on her phone. Sometimes this works to get her to do her work but sometimes she digs her heals in and refuses even then and it all escalates. It really is a source of stress in our household. I don't know the answer, sorry.

We just did 1 set hour of homework every evening 7.30-8.30 no distractions whatsoever, if all homework is done already, then revision. Then ramped it up to 1.5 hours towards the end of year 10. Worked really well and got top results. For us it was always about having a set routine in a set work place.

@Araminta1003 That is what DDs did at school. It’s over and done with and no distractions. As my DDs were not sporty, they did weekend homework on a Saturday morning.