Am I completely the worst parent ever?

[sweatband]

Humour me, but when did choosing a school become such an all consuming activity for parents?

Situation is we've chosen the same school for daughter as for our elder child. It's a school a London borough that goes through phases, like all schools do, but is generally a decent school ad if the child applies themselves then they do well. My first child doing really well there.

For my second child I've had a lot of previous first born parents in my circle, I'm on child number 3 so less precious, but even I am starting to question do I care enough?!

The amount of really rude comments I have had on my school choice is unreal. So bloody rude and with no informed perspective or experience.

One particular parent who attended the school roughly 20 years ago referred out loud to me what a mistake that was - she knows full well I have a child
Thriving at the school.

Are all parents obsessed with school
Choice, do they have no lives of their own and live vicariously through their children?!

Some people clearly need to get out more! They should also stop being so bloody rude! And I say that as someone who put a lot of thought into my kids’ schools! YANBU

generally a decent school

because i wanted more than “generally a decent school” for my children’s education 🤷

There is always a better school down the road and there will always be smug parents convinced that their choices are unquestionably the best. In reality school is a bit of a lottery, there are kids who will thrive anywhere and kids who will find it tough.

Ive taught in ‘poor’ schools I’d be happy to send my kids to and ‘good’ ones I wouldn’t.

My number one job in life is to provide my child the best education possible. Yes, I have other responsibilities, but that is my highest priority and dominates every decision I have made since before she was born.

It is much more than just choosing a school, but that is an important component.

Some parents get very, very invested in choosing a school, and very emotional about it. It is important but it shouldn't become all consuming like it seems too. I know of parents refusing to pick a catchment school because they went there 20 years ago and didn't like it. I know parents who take advice from fb and TikTok about what happens at a school. I know parents who wouldn't choose a school which historically had low results, high exclusions etc because they were refusing to believe that the new HT had completely turned this school around, and it now had hardly any exclusions and results had greatly improved.
Just ignore anyone giving you grief OP.

Totally agree, some people get obsessive about school choices. It also makes me mad when people judge a school on their own experience 20 years ago, or something they heard once from their friend’s cousin’s sister who said she knew someone who got bullied there. Schools can change massively in the space of a couple of years but unfortunately reputations stick around for years.

It sounds like you’ve made a perfectly good choice OP, stick to your guns and ignore the rude parents.

People get defensive about their own choice, which leads to them being critical of others choices.

There is no such as thing as one perfect school. They all have pros and cons, they suit different children (and parents!)

Well, saying that parents who choose schools are living vicariously through children is rather rude too. "Living vicariously" usually means making a child an athlete, musician etc but choosing a school??.. 🤔

I do think choosing a good school for your child is important, I think it’s one of the most important parenting decisions I have made (not 100% sure it was the right one). However if the school is doing well by your child you should just say that.

From what I've seen there are 2 sides to this.
A child in the normal range of ability, without neurodivergence or SEN, will generally do fine at a decent comprehensive or indeed at most schools. Differences between cohort level results on the way out are generally due to differences in prior attainment and selection on the way in. So school choice probably doesn't matter as much as some might suppose
A child outside the normal range of ability, or with neurodivergence or SEN, is unlikely to thrive unless their differences are recognised and supported. Some schools do much better than others and cohort-level results don't reflect this. For these students, the choice of school can be critical.
People talk too much about good schools and bad schools, and fail to consider the fit between the school and the child. A rigid exam factory may produce high results but can be disastrous for students who need some flexibility but are denied it.
So in short, it doesn't matter, except when it does.

You know the school and are happy.
You can't judge a school well based on how it was 20 years ago.

Regardless of what people think, it’s still rude to give unwanted opinions on the OP’s school choice, that’s the point of the thread, surely?

For example, I’m against selective education, but when friends tell me their DC are going to the grammar or a private school I just smile and nod - if your opinion hasn’t been asked for and it doesn’t affect you, just keep quiet!

Like a pp, I've taught in various schools. Actually, I've done the full hit- outstanding to special measures. The special measures school got worse AFTER the judgement, because parents freaked and pulled their kids.

My dc go to the worst school in the area. I would have preferred another one, but they were adamant they wanted to go where their friends went. What swung me was other educated, ambitious parents letting their kids go there too, and the fact that ultimately, your grades don't equate to a better career or more money. Mine certainly didn't.

My job is to support them through school and make sure they know what options await them after school - something My parents were, through no fault of their own, unable to do.

Both dc seem happy enough in school and have no desire to change, although I've given them the option. They're doing well and I think it's given the older dc in particular, confidence, because he stands out in a way he might not have done elsewhere. My biggest fear was bullying, but they seem to be OK. And of course, bullying exists everywhere, but growing up local and knowing lots of the kids through clubs etc seems to be helping.

Are all parents obsessed with school
Choice, do they have no lives of their own and live vicariously through their children?!
What an extraordinary question
Choosing the best school for your child doesn’t suggest either of those things.
Your bizarre take on it will be what people are reacting strangely to, I’ll bet, not the actual school you’ve chosen.

To be blunt, OP, your choice of school (whilst it is working for you/your child at the moment) sounds like it is objectively rubbish.

If you were truly secure with your choice, you wouldn't care about people pointing that out.

I would say it’s incredibly rude if people to point that out, and the OP has a right to be upset! And why does it sound “objectively rubbish”? She said it’s gone through phases but it’s generally a decent school- sounds like every school round here!

How does "generally decent" translate to "objectively rubbish"?

The problem is, with school choice, that no one ever knows what a different school could have meant for their life. You could go to the "best" school ever and be mercilessly bullied, leading to a lifetime of issues. You could do well in a not so good school but have a solid friendship group setting you up for life.

I agree with you OP that generally decent is fine. Education level has more to do with maternal mothers education than any other factor. I also think that local with friends is generally better than miles away, with no friends and needing parents to support socialising.

YANBU

In my experience a certain type of slightly anxious middle class parent can tie themselves in knots over school choices. Often its a social contagion, with friend groups feeding off of each others anxiety and vying for places at the two or three schools they've heard of from each other.

You have recent experience of the school and a child doing well there. So, you don't have to be pulled into the drama. Good for you.

I agree with the PP who said that results are largely reflective of the cohort that goes in. And doesn't necessarily say anything about the effectiveness of the teaching or the level of pastoral care.

And more so than the school, the year group and tutor group you're in is the biggest lottery. My DD is currently at a brilliant school, her year is amazing and she's thriving. The year below her however, is constantly fighting, lots of exclusions etc. It's such a lottery, even within the school.

I get you OP.
Mine go to a good comp on doorstep. Local was important to me. It's very diverse. Also important for me.
Kids with the right attitude and parental support do really well there.
BUT other kids get sucked into messing about and not applying themselves. That can happen anywhere. In year 6 both times I was around parents paranoid that it wasn't good enough and very vocal on it.

Some paid fortunes for tutors and private. I genuinely think it'll be interesting to see outcomes in 5-6 years time.

I’ll be forever grateful to the wise parent with older children who posted a message on the class WhatsApp when my son was in y6, politely asking parents to keep their opinions on others school choices to themselves, and not to discuss them in front of their children who would likely repeat them to their friends. It was apparently inspired by a child in her eldest’s class parroting (to their state comprehensive-bound friends) that their parents were sending them to private school because all the local state schools were such dreadful crapholes, which went down like a shit sandwich.

Fortunately I only had one comment, querying why we weren’t sending our bright DS to somewhere “more academic” than the local comp, from a dad who didn’t know us well enough to know about DS’s ASD. I explained about pastoral care and SEN support being our priorities, so hopefully he’ll be more thoughtful in future.