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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

No friends in new school

14 replies

FestiveBakewell · 23/10/2024 12:18

I’m worried my son will end up in a school with no friends, he is year 6 now but has selective mute and has only started talking in school in the last year, so due to this he doesn’t have many friends, only 2. He is uncomfortable asking them what schools they are applying to meaning it looks like he will likely to end up in a school on his own with no friends. I know most kids will choose the schools their friends are going. Due to his SM I know he will struggle to make friends and secondary schools don’t help with friendships like they do in primary (speaking from experience they don’t usually get involved in friendships) I don’t know what to do, I know people will say their kids went to school with no previous friends and made loads but those are usually confident kids that make friends easily. Should I be worried and how can I help him?

OP posts:
Tiredalwaystired · 23/10/2024 13:00

Do you know the parents of his current friends? Can’t you ask them where their children are applying to?

If not can you write a letter to them via the teacher to see if they will let you know and why?

Mumpc12zxz · 23/10/2024 13:09

FestiveBakewell · 23/10/2024 12:18

I’m worried my son will end up in a school with no friends, he is year 6 now but has selective mute and has only started talking in school in the last year, so due to this he doesn’t have many friends, only 2. He is uncomfortable asking them what schools they are applying to meaning it looks like he will likely to end up in a school on his own with no friends. I know most kids will choose the schools their friends are going. Due to his SM I know he will struggle to make friends and secondary schools don’t help with friendships like they do in primary (speaking from experience they don’t usually get involved in friendships) I don’t know what to do, I know people will say their kids went to school with no previous friends and made loads but those are usually confident kids that make friends easily. Should I be worried and how can I help him?

Hi I would most definitely get in touch with school and the two friends parents get the same school put down and get them together over the half terms and Christmas holidays & summer holidays next years ready for year 7. I wouldn't stress about it just do what you can do and tell the school everything you have said above! I hope your son makes new friends in high school! Xxx

Original poster
FestiveBakewell · 23/10/2024 13:11

No unfortunately I don’t know the parents I should have added he moved class in September so this is a new class he didn’t make friends in his old class and the school decided it was best to move his class as they said he was unlikely to ever make any friends in that class and should start again in a new class, they are year 6 and travel home alone I don’t see the parents.

OP posts:
OhHaiOwlInYourTowel · 23/10/2024 13:12

The school can help but only if they know

I'd also recommend a post (anonymous if you like) on your local community page. You could reach parents of children going into year 7 in his chosen school and basically ask them if their children might be interested in buddying up - I think you'd be surprised just how many parents out there will Have similar concerns about their own children and will be delighted to explore if a friendship could be a possibility

May not work but it's something I see a lot of on my local page - people are kind and want to help generally

AnellaA · 23/10/2024 13:13

In the old days secondary schools pastoral support was rubbish. it’s better now.

Can you find a school with a full hour for lunch and loads of extracurricular clubs in lunch break? My DD’s school has dozens of clubs, plus a good library that lots of kids hang out in

He may actually be happier at secondary school if you pick carefully and really get a sense of the school culture

Original poster
FestiveBakewell · 23/10/2024 13:15

The school do know I mentioned it to the teacher they said they would try to find out and get back to me but they haven’t and I don’t want to be pushy about it

OP posts:
Original poster
FestiveBakewell · 23/10/2024 13:16

AnellaA · 23/10/2024 13:13

In the old days secondary schools pastoral support was rubbish. it’s better now.

Can you find a school with a full hour for lunch and loads of extracurricular clubs in lunch break? My DD’s school has dozens of clubs, plus a good library that lots of kids hang out in

He may actually be happier at secondary school if you pick carefully and really get a sense of the school culture

That will be unlikely the secondary schools aren’t great in our area unfortunately.

OP posts:
Mumpc12zxz · 23/10/2024 13:19

FestiveBakewell · 23/10/2024 13:15

The school do know I mentioned it to the teacher they said they would try to find out and get back to me but they haven’t and I don’t want to be pushy about it

Be pushy! Xx

Brightlights23 · 23/10/2024 13:24

My son has selective mutism and he ended up going to a school with only 3 other boys from his year. Only one boy was really a friend and then not a close one.

starting at a school where no one knew him was a great new start for him and he made friends. He still has selective mutism but it is far less noticeable (he answered register in secondary whereas in junior he barely did)

even if he does go to same school it doesn’t mean they will be in same form and in same class for subjects that they are put into sets for based on ability.

once we had the school confirmed I made appts to meet with the new senco to explain my son and made sure the current school passed on relevant information as they should do anyway. We were invited to a morning in the summer term to meet some key staff and there were quite a lot of children with parents there, who all had some reason to attend the session led by the SENCO.

can always speak to new school and see what clubs your son could attend to help develop friendships. My daughters school does have clubs for those that struggle socially too.

spiderlight · 23/10/2024 13:24

If ever there was a time to be pushy, it's now, for his sake. Then once you've applied, you can find out who the transition or Y7 pastoral lead is and contact them to ask if he could please be in the same form as at least one of his friends.

Original poster
FestiveBakewell · 23/10/2024 13:30

Brightlights23 · 23/10/2024 13:24

My son has selective mutism and he ended up going to a school with only 3 other boys from his year. Only one boy was really a friend and then not a close one.

starting at a school where no one knew him was a great new start for him and he made friends. He still has selective mutism but it is far less noticeable (he answered register in secondary whereas in junior he barely did)

even if he does go to same school it doesn’t mean they will be in same form and in same class for subjects that they are put into sets for based on ability.

once we had the school confirmed I made appts to meet with the new senco to explain my son and made sure the current school passed on relevant information as they should do anyway. We were invited to a morning in the summer term to meet some key staff and there were quite a lot of children with parents there, who all had some reason to attend the session led by the SENCO.

can always speak to new school and see what clubs your son could attend to help develop friendships. My daughters school does have clubs for those that struggle socially too.

Oh that’s a good point I didn’t think of that yes it’s unlikely they would be in the same class. Just worried as it’s taken him this long to make friends and that was with a lot of encouragement from the school I have older kids in secondary school and the schools don’t encourage friendships. For example in his primary school they have organised games in the playground and all the children join in the teachers organise them but in secondary everyone just hangs out in groups with their friends.

OP posts:
CurtisBawden · 23/10/2024 13:48

I have a child who has also struggled with SM so I understand! I'd try to get him as much help with this as possible before secondary (not that you aren't already!) If you can at all afford a few private sessions, Confident Children has been amazing for my child.

I also echo that it may not be a terrible thing to start at a new school. Sometimes some of the anxiety of speaking is that you're nervous what other kids will say when you suddenly start to speak. (Look, X can talk! Wow!) For children who don't want attention, this can stop them speaking at all. In a new environment you don't have this problem and can make a fresh start.

I would just be really proactive as well about this. Ask the teacher, for example, to connect you to the parents? I also wouldn't be put off getting more help from secondary school and talking to them now. Perhaps you don't see the help they give your other kids because they don't need it? They are probably doing more work with kids who need it, but in a way that is invisible to others (hopefully, to avoid any teasing.)

Original poster
FestiveBakewell · 23/10/2024 13:54

CurtisBawden · 23/10/2024 13:48

I have a child who has also struggled with SM so I understand! I'd try to get him as much help with this as possible before secondary (not that you aren't already!) If you can at all afford a few private sessions, Confident Children has been amazing for my child.

I also echo that it may not be a terrible thing to start at a new school. Sometimes some of the anxiety of speaking is that you're nervous what other kids will say when you suddenly start to speak. (Look, X can talk! Wow!) For children who don't want attention, this can stop them speaking at all. In a new environment you don't have this problem and can make a fresh start.

I would just be really proactive as well about this. Ask the teacher, for example, to connect you to the parents? I also wouldn't be put off getting more help from secondary school and talking to them now. Perhaps you don't see the help they give your other kids because they don't need it? They are probably doing more work with kids who need it, but in a way that is invisible to others (hopefully, to avoid any teasing.)

I have an older son in secondary school whose struggled to make friends the school don’t help at all with it so I am definitely speaking from experience I know in primary there is a lot of help with making friends and the teachers are very involved with it. I can’t afford private as I am a lone parent so I wouldn’t have the money for anything private. The school we are likely applying to will have children from his old school I imagine as it’s the local school so there will be children from his old class just not ones he is friends with as I do understand the fresh start thing that’s why they moved his class however he said all of the children knew he didn’t speak so now he can’t just speaking.

OP posts:
Tiredalwaystired · 23/10/2024 14:51

Mumpc12zxz · 23/10/2024 13:19

Be pushy! Xx

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Exactly this. Your son won’t gain anything if you don’t push.

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