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Secondary education

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Repeating Y12 and going back to home country due to DS' poor mental health

18 replies

RealBlueBee · 17/10/2024 00:25

I posted this on the boarding school topic as not sure where to post as this is a combination of secondary health, mental health and boarding school stuff.

We’re international parents and sent him to boarding school in England after he attended an international school in Hong Kong. He struggled with homesickness in Year 9 but seemed to be doing well in Years 10 and 11, getting 8 A* (or 8/9 as they call them now) and 2 As, plus an A in the EPQ. Now he’s studying English Lit, Politics, History, and RE at A-Level.

However, since the end of Year 11, his mental health has taken a downturn. The school has a 'all-rounded' angle they like to promote, but academics aren't the priority—sports and extracurricular activities take the lead. The school's overall grades have been slipping, and he’s been really angry and depressed about it. He often bursts into tears during our calls, especially when he compares himself to others, like when he hears about someone who did better but still got rejected from a top university.

The emotional issues started up again at the beginning of Year 12, especially with a new, stricter housemaster. I flew over to check on him and talk to the school, and while he seems more stable now, I still feel conflicted. He wanted to switch to a more academic school at the start of Year 12 (like Cardiff Sixth Form or Concord) but decided against it because they don’t offer RE and are too focused on STEM. Plus, we didn't give a term's notice.

Now he’s thinking about coming back to Hong Kong at the end of Year 12 to redo sixth form at an A-Level international school, meaning he would have to repeat Year 12. I feel pretty helpless after investing so much for the past three years, and I worry that he was too young to be sent abroad. What should I do?

OP posts:
GrazingLamb · 17/10/2024 00:27

Repeating what I said on your other thread - get him home

Etincelle · 17/10/2024 01:37

Of course bring him home.

newmum1976 · 17/10/2024 07:14

Definitely bring him home. There isn’t really another solution if he’s unhappy at boarding school. He has great GCSE results, so a break will do him good and he can start again next September.

ncsurrey22 · 17/10/2024 10:29

poor boy. I would absolutely bring him home. Clearly the school is not working for him, the fit with the housemaster isn't right and it's what he wants. He'll do far better once he is where he wants to be and academically I am sure HK can meet his needs.

Don't worry about what you have invested and tried in the past - the past is in the past, you need to look forward and make the best out of it. Is there no way to bring him home already? Perhaps he could enter year 11 / 10th grade at an international school ? I don't think I would keep him there till the end of the year, it can only get worse if he stays for another 9 months in a place he is miserable.

TokyoSushi · 17/10/2024 10:34

Absolutely bring him home. He's done exceptionally well in his GCSEs, so that's great, time for a new chapter.

cestlavielife · 17/10/2024 10:37

Just bring him home.
He did well in gcse
You dud what was right at the time no point in agonising.

He might have had a downturn in m h where ever

But now he needs to be near family and start sixth form again

CrispyCrunchyPretzel · 04/05/2025 12:14

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QuickPeachPoet · 04/05/2025 12:19

I worry that he was too young to be sent abroad.

He was. Now it’s time to repair the damage. Poor boy. Boarding school is cruel.

Bumdrops · 04/05/2025 12:23

Prioritise his mental health
if he is not well everything in his life will be affected in some way
he has been struggling for nearly a year now,
how much longer / how much worse does it need to get to intervene ?
he’s clearly stating what he needs to do
his problem solving approach seems good
if you prioritise achievements over health
if you are concerned about how it looks to your peers that he is returning to HK and repeating a year, then give yourself a shake …
what’s really important here ?
that your son is mentally well. End Of.

Gymly · 07/05/2025 18:24

Blimey bring him home.

I'm not sure I'd be focussing on finding somewhere more academic though - it sounds like this could just fuel the perfectionism that can be really damaging in mentally unwell young people. He needs a tonne of reassurance that he is worthy and valuable in his own right, and is not defined by A stars.

Zanatdy · 07/05/2025 21:30

He is unhappy and the priority is absolutely getting him home and recovering under your watchful eye. I’d be very worried knowing he is unhappy. I’d be pulling him out now.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 07/05/2025 21:33

Prioritise his wellbeing and bring him home. He can study anywhere, but only if he is well enough to do so.

Hiff · 08/05/2025 12:11

Definitely bring him home, give him lots of hugs. Tell him he's been amazing to get through it all and do so well. Make sure he knows how proud you are of him and enjoy having him at home. It sounds like you both need that. Good luck. Hope he's okay!

viques · 09/05/2025 10:51

Bring him home. Repeating a year of school is nine months out of his life. Ignoring his mental health could blight his life and well being forever.

Hamandpineapplepizza · 09/05/2025 10:55

Gosh yes just bring him home. Quite a few of my friends switched schools and repeated year 12. It hasn't harmed them at all, in fact quite the opposite.

Hamandpineapplepizza · 09/05/2025 10:56

He also sounds like he would benefit from some time out and some therapy.

Grades are not the be all and end all. And I say that as someone who was,.and is, very academic

Hamandpineapplepizza · 09/05/2025 10:58

And I would bring him home now so he has time to decompress

Xiaoxiong · 09/05/2025 11:02

I'm a boarding parent. If it was my son I'd definitely bring him home, and don't get caught up in sunk cost fallacy worrying about wasting your investment in the last three years. Repeating a year is not a failure or a disaster - especially before university! It's really not a big deal for his future at all and won't harm him compared to leaving him somewhere he's not happy.

I'd also not worry about the harm the last three years have caused, as long as you're taking steps to not repeat it ie. bringing him home.

My parents once said that you don't choose a school once, you choose it every year and indeed every term. Schools change, kids change, family situations change - what may have been the right decision in Y10 is no longer the right decision in Y12 and you have to be willing to change course and not beat yourself up that you made a wrong decision years ago.

What you do have to be willing to do is listen to your DS - he's old enough now for you to listen to his wishes and if he wants to come back to HK and finish off at Harrow International or Invictus or Kellet or wherever, then I'd definitely give that a try.

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